Finding the Energy: Balance Amidst the Chaos

You know that feeling when you have SO much to do and NO energy to do it?

Or that rare feeling like: “Wow, I finally feel energized but have no idea where to start!?”

Mismatched moments like these make us feel unbalanced, stressed and overwhelmed.

And we when we have an inbalance in our lives we generally feel off. Look at the “Invisible Load” of motherhood — it doesn’t feel good like: “Wow! I’m a great Mom for doing all these things” (even though it should) because of how imbalanced the load is. This feeling of “too much to do and too little time to do it” is an emotional state that brings up negative emotions like shame (I should be able to do it all) and anxiety (how will I do it all and its neverending) and withdrawal (there is so much to do I am not going to do anything at all).

Somatic Mindfulness is a simple way of purposefully focusing our attention to discover our emotional state without getting into the emotions of it all — and then matching that energy level to an equally demanding task.

The skill at the root of somatic mindfulness is noticing.

Yep, just paying attention. Now that feels doable doesn’t it? And we can break it down to something even more simple. Like a sort of somatic self-care - or paying attention to the state of our body. How our body feels can be an basic gateway to a broader awareness of our state — or how we feel emotionally, physically and mentally in the moment. Directing our attention to rest on our body is the “somatic” peice. It takes thinking out of the equation and only focuses on sensations in the body. It takes a little practice because our bodies throw up road blocks, in simalar ways that our minds distract us with planning and examining when we self-reflect. Just keep that in mind!

Let’s use an example of filling the dishwasher after dinner. While on the surface this may seem like a simple task, but after the juggernaut that is cooking dinner for a household of small hangry people who don’t really enjoy your cooking, you’re exhausted. Your energy level is low. However your partner is working late and the dishes have to get done, so you put a movie on for the kids, and dig in.

The sink is full, you will probably have to run the machine in the AM again just to catch up. As you start to load the dishes your youngest comes in complaining about her brother sitting in her couch seat, so you stop to deal with the argument. (Wet hands and all.) You’re running out of patience and the overwhelming emotions you usually have a handle on are starting to come to the surface…not your best work with the kids - but you’re back to the dishes. Trying to be fast, you break a plate on the way to putting it in the dishwasher. This is the last straw. And you begin to cry. It’s just too much. What should you do now?

This is where somatic mindfulness can step in. Noticing the state of your body is less cognitively taxing than stopping and examining why you are crying - that’s way more complex and takes a lot more time and energy. Could you just for a moment shut off the water, and stand there among the broken chards of ceramic and feel into your body? When you do this it will almost feel like gift, the gift of attention. A simple example of a somatic exercise is a body scan but you don’t even need to do that in this situation. Just stop, breath and feel. What does it feel like in your chest, your arms, your face, behind your eyes? How are you holding your hands?

This curious looking requires that you drop any opinions. Nothing that your body is doing is right or wrong - it just is.

This is mindfulness in action - the looking around without judgement. Now once you have taken the moment, go ahead and sweep up the broken plate pieces. Check on the kids and then it’s time to take a moment to relfect. What is your body telling you? Is this the right time to be taking on this task? How much energy does your body have to offer? How much energy does the task demand? (Keep in mind you are also parenting at the same time.) If you body is tight and your heart rate elevated this may be a sign that you need a reset - a break mama - and how long that break will be depends on how tight and stressed your body is and how much energy the task you want to finish requires. It may not be a break that you need either, it could mean a lot of things like you need to put music on or laugh a little. You will build up your toolkit over time as you learn more about what works for you.

When we do this consistently we get to know the cues our bodies provide us at every stage of our routine (including before we break the plate). Maybe tonight was a night where you needed to sit on the couch with the kids for 10 minutes in between the dinner chaos and the clean up one. Or maybe if you checked in with your body and you found your energy levels were still pretty good, maybe tonight was the night that you could handle teaching your oldest to help you load the dishwasher.

Practicing mindfulness is not only about noticing our habitual thought patterns or emotional reactions. It is also noticing our somatic state or what messages our bodies are trying to share. And noticing them with kindness and compassion will lead to us to our next steps no matter the state we are in. With this knowledge we can balance our tasks with the energy we have available to us and even maybe get more done - whether that’s the dishes or self-care.

No matter where you find your balance, don’t ever forget you are a GoodAF mom. - Stef

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Gratitude Practice: Hello Moment!

After 20 years of supporting parents, ‘practical’ mindfulness is the only way I talk about mindfulness anymore. Mindfulness is very doable, but the idea of adding mindfulness to our to-do lists is burnout-provoking. In reality, mindfulness simply means noticing what we tend to put on cruise control. I can be breathing and notice that I am breathing - that slight shift from just doing the thing to noticing the doing - that's mindfulness.

One of the obstacles to mindfulness is unpleasant emotions. If you are feeling angry it takes a lot of courage to look under than anger and see what else is there. It takes a lot of courage to feel anger too. It’s easier to move on with your day, isn’t it? Yes, mindfulness does apply to unpleasant feelings as well as pleasant ones. It applies to everything - it’s just a way to shift our awareness and become more present in our lives or even just small moments throughout the day. 

I want to talk about mindfulness in practical applications that can help us to jump the hurdles of our psyche (or what some mindfulness teachers call “resistance”), by incorporating them into our existing parenting routines.

Whenever I read a scientific study or an article on how the pandemic made our anxiety worse, the writers always say, “anxiety is worse in stressful times.” Then I think - but having a 2, 3, or 14-year-old IS “stressful times” even when the world isn’t on fire.

The stresses of parenting send you to places where you have no choice but to go.

And so even before we get to mindfulness we need to establish a little self-compassion for where we are and what we do each day. Your gratitude practice will help you to see all the good things that happen each day, and the good things you do for other people too - and for me, this is the proof that I am a good person, that what the voices in my head telling me is untrue. Once I remember my inner goodness, self-compassion can flow easier. It can be as simple as telling myself that this part’s not supposed to be easy, acknowledging that I am struggling without judgment of that struggle, or just stopping and saying that’s enough for today — these are all significant steps to take.

Mindfulness helps us stay longer in the present moment instead of bouncing forward to the future and backward to the past. And I know I have said it before, but – being in the present moment is your greatest ally as a parent.  Noticing how we feel, where we are, and what our expectations are, immediately makes parenting more of a solvable puzzle. So back to the basics here. We can notice things as pleasant and unpleasant or neutral – these are called feeling tones or vendanās in Buddhism. We can bring a soft mindful touch to those tones, and they, in turn, can keep us rooted here in the present.

Of course, you are busy, and you aren’t just going to remember to stop and feel your breath or body multiple times a day. At first, it will take some deliberate action to signal to your brain that this new way of noticing, or living in the world, with more awareness - well, it’s what you want to do now. This is why using techniques like Stop Signs, alarms, mantras, and lists is important because they replace old habits.

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GOODAF MOM GRATITUDE PRACTICE:

This is where the phrase Hello, Moment! comes in. I have painted the phrase Hello, Moment! on rocks and written it on post-it notes that I scatter around my house and car, and garden.  I like Hello, Moment! because it’s a phrase that is non-judgmental, kind, and even a little fun. If rocks aren’t your thing - you could even use a wipe-off marker to write it on the mirrors in your bathrooms.

These little reminders become an easy way to begin the repetitive training our brains require to develop new habits. This new habit is mindfulness, of pausing and noticing the moment we are in.

How does it Work in Real Life?

Maybe I am walking a basket of dirty laundry on my way to the washer and see the words Hello, Moment! on a windowsill rock or sticky note nearby. I am reminded to take a moment. What do I do with this moment? Well, maybe I go super sensory – I notice my hands holding the laundry, maybe there’s a smell to the laundry (gross) or a sound nearby. I could use it as an opportunity to list three things I am grateful for. I could also notice the feeling tones in my body of unpleasant, pleasant, and neutral, or I can look for any interior grumbling happening - I mean, it’s laundry after all - and if I want to or if it feels good to, I can deliberately notice something positive and beautiful instead - maybe the color of my favorite underwear in the pile, all moody and dark maroon.

Do it with Your Kids!

When you sit down to make three or four Hello, Moment! reminders, make sure they are cheerful, give them a sparkle, or make them pretty in some way. Then when you spot one in the wild, this “niceness” will naturally incline your mind towards that as a first step towards positivity. However you do it, make sure you place them in high-traffic areas at first, so you can get into a sort of rhythm. 

This is just one practical and no-pressure way to incorporate mindfulness into your daily routines. Adding in Stop Signs on your pick-up and drop-off routes is another, and the Choose a Color Game from Episode 12 of the podcast is another. Learning a new skill takes time, but the beauty of mindfulness is that it is always accessible. Like right now, if you stopped to notice your hands or feet, you could. Before I said that, your awareness was probably somewhere else (maybe coming up with a few places to put those rocks?) But once I said notice your hands, your mind went right there. It’s doable. And the more you do it, the more it comes in handy. You can notice, “Wow, I feel tight” or “I feel like I want to run out of this room and as far away as possible”, and offer yourself a little compassion just in time.

Because you are a GoodAF Mom who has choices. – Stef

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New Year, Same Me

I know it’s February but I still feel the energy of a new year personally so 2023 here we come! New Year, Same Me! And yes this year I am saying – New Year, Same Me – because it goes directly against the grain of New Year, New Me.

Why would I want a new me? 

I mean, in the past, I have been like: I’m sick of you and ready for a fresh start sure.

But the desire for a new self happens because we are unhappy. It could be with a specific part of our lives, like our parenting or maybe it’s a general malaise we feel around something not feeling quite right with our lives, like a nagging feeling of unfulfillment. Either way, we automatically think that with a new year in sight, now's a good time to fix or change ourselves to make it all better. 

This is a fixing mindset - the same one that makes us think that we need to improve or change ourselves in some way to feel better about our children’s behavior or the chaotic state of our house or our moodiness – but that is just not the case. In fact, everything we need to be happy is already inside us.

What gets in the way is mindset or the lens through which we view our lives and the world. Mindset is not 100% under our influence, our survival instincts, societal pressures, upbringing, and cultural backgrounds all significantly influence our mindset. But our mindset is not totally fixed or stuck either - you can easily experience this flexibility during a busy week where one moment you think that your work is crap or your house is full and cluttered - and then the next day you can look at it with joy and gratitude instead. 

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Learning how to nurture a more positive, compassionate mindset is our task. And something that can certainly contribute to our long-term well-being (and improve our relationships with our kids).

Just like our mindset is not totally fixed. 

Who we are, is different from who we identify to be. 

I will say that again.

Who we are, is different from who we identify to be.

Sure I am a “Type A Mom” who keeps the trains running on time. I use morning and afterschool checklists to keep my kids accountable, and my work day is planned down to the minute. I find a great deal of identity within the label of Type A Mom, just like you may identify as a Hot Mess Mom or a PTA Mom or a Chill Mom – and you have even learned to take pride in it too. 

But who you are is different from who you identify, or label yourself, to be.

Say you were to ask your friends to name a few adjectives to describe you - what would they say? Hot mess mom? Chill Mom? I don’t know if they would start with those labels per se… I did this exercise once and my bestie actually said things I would have never guessed like loyal and that I was a good hugger. And that I was giving too. These things I would have never thought of at first as ways to describe myself.

I don't identify myself as a good hugger. I don't particularly hug people all that often to be honest, but if I stop to check in with myself I can feel how much being a good hugger matters to me. It means that I am a loving and kind friend, one who is ok with being vulnerable and open enough to share a good and lengthy hug with.  

That’s who I am for sure. 

Who you are is different from who you identify as. And of course, you can be both – no one’s saying Type A Moms can’t be good huggers - I just overlook parts of myself when during reflection I go right to my identity label. At the beginning of the year, saying New Year, Same Me will help you stay open to new ideas of who you are right now without having to change a thing - and that’s a pretty awesome way to start a year I would think. And no, it doesn't mean staying stuck in old ways of thinking - in fact, it's just the opposite. 

I think we need to focus our gratitude practice on becoming grateful for who we are, not who we need to become  - because we are already whole, we just don’t see it all. We don’t see the things that our friends see - the who of who we are. 

I hope you ask a friend to tell you a few things that make you, you. And celebrate them because nothing can stand in the way of your happiness in 2023 when you look inside and discover the resources you already possess – and remember you are a Good AF Mom. - Stef

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Gratitude Practice: Stop Signs

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I am excited to share another gratitude practice I find super valuable — I think having many different ways of practicing gratitude regularly Helps boost your brain’s rewiring, but I’m not a Neuroscientist!

I do know from experience, that noticing our body states, acknowledging when things are difficult, and labeling our emotions all contribute to becoming O.K. with making mistakes and skipping the Mom Guild on our way to a more grounded and healthy life.

We live in a world constantly begging for our attention, pulling us away from our bodies and from what we are feeling at that very moment. When we live inside our phones, we have stepped out of our bodies — if we are looking at quotes that lift us up, well then phew, but if we are scrolling through clean house after gorgeously clean house - then it’s a setup! This out-of-body experience can make it seem like the present moment is not important. 

And even if we aren’t on our phone, maybe we are walking the dog or driving down that same stretch of road, our mind is a BUZZ with ideas and thoughts about landscaping designs or that annoying way our neighbor parks his car.  After all, sometimes it feels really relaxing to think! At least for me, my imagination has always been a place to let my thoughts run wild and free, but when our thoughts become judgemental or repetitive or stuck in “planning” mode - they have officially taken control of our moment AND of our life’s story, which is made up of moments upon moments. 

My 9-year-old son just recently said to me: “Mom, when I am in class, sometimes I can’t stop counting like I will count to 1000 if I let my brain do it!”  Wow - what a machine we have at our fingertips. And sometimes it feels good to count or to plan a big event – to give our brains something to do. To be out of our body, to not feel the sticky emotions left from a tough morning or week - yes, please! However, when we settle into that cozy thought pattern, we are not in control things like cultural expectations, parental modeling, habitual thinking, and survival instincts well they take the reins so to speak.

But being in the present moment is your greatest ally as a parent. 

Noticing how we feel, where we are, and what our expectations are, immediately makes parenting a solvable puzzle. It boils down to how we think, feel and behave. 

How we feel in any given moment can be the key to unlocking new and more beneficial habits. It can be the key to feeling satisfied in a world that keeps telling us we aren’t. 

Noticing how we think also accesses the same out-of-body skills we already have when we zone out –  just for good instead. We can rebrand this zone-out time as awareness time because awareness is something you have already. It’s just noticing. You are aware of where your phone is right now, right? How about your toddler? (fingers crossed...) How about when the dog has to go out next? Hopefully, that too. You have the awareness to know you are reading this and if you wanted to you could become aware of your right foot or nose right now, yep they’re there.

If this is your first practice post, I will get back to the basics here. We can notice things as pleasant and unpleasant or neutral. We can bring a soft mindful touch to those moments and they in turn can keep us rooted here in the present. Why exactly would we want that?

Because another name for when we freak out or lose ourselves to yelling or other things that feel like inner betrayals - is what neuropsychologist, Rick Hanson, Ph. D. calls “Reactive Mode”. This is a mode of living in which we spend all our mental and physical energy coping and nothing is left for healing or growth. 

This mode of living causes us to lose control over our actions and get caught in the cycle of our learned behavior and habitual/primal responses: like if we hear a crash in another room instead of running to our child and scooping them into our arms to make sure they are ok  – we yell “What happened!!? What did you do!?”

Living in this constant reactive mode can lead to an overload of both our physical and emotional systems. The stress of it may lead to a seemingly permanent shift in our perspective (like everything is always wrong) and in turn, cause the strong urge to self-medicate to soothe our guilt (mommy wine time anyone?). And if we live in that reactive mode for too long Dr. Hanson says there are risk factors for depression and other mental issues that may begin to occur. 

When it comes to our physical health I’ll let Hanson share the bad news:

“The reactive mode assumes that there are urgent demands, so its not concerned with your long-term needs...bodily resources are depleted while building projects such as strengthening the immune system are put on hold, adrenaline and cortisol course through the blood, and fear, frustration and heartache color the mind.”

I live with both anxiety and depression as many of us do these days. I am very aware of the diligence it takes to keep myself from slipping into suffering, whether it’s due to the past or the future at any given moment. I have grown tired of the days lost to depression, the loneliness of living in the future worrying about it all, and so mindful awareness is not just a practice anymore, now it's a way of living. 

Teaching my brain to be more mindful and present helps me to stay out of reactive mode, and I can respond to my children instead. A consistent state of mindful awareness helps me to notice when I have taken the first steps toward rumination or fearful anticipation. Sometimes it’s just noticing that I have fallen into a depression on the first day it hits versus after a full week or so - but wow I will take it.

Typically mindful awareness is introduced with meditation. Take 5 minutes and notice your breathing and watch your thoughts go by like clouds. I think there are many things we ask of parents in this day and age and taking 5 or 10 minutes to meditate just feels like one more big “Ask” I’m not willing to request. I know that what you get out of these podcast episodes is that time to look inside and ask yourself the tough questions you need to ask. 

And if you meditate already - yes it’s amazing and you know the benefits. You understand the levels of calm and ease that can come from sitting still. You may have even discovered some things lurking under the surface that needed to be felt and released. These are all the good parts of meditation. But if you are stressed out because you can’t even pee alone then just forget about it for now. 

So we find ways for you to build this muscle without having to squeeze in another 10 minutes by waking up earlier or taking over your precious naptime.  This is the true self-care - when you can care for your children by first caring for yourself - for valuing your life so much that you choose to live it in the present. 

So our mindful self-care for today is an exercise that I like to call: Building In Stop Signs

Let’s be clear, pressuring yourself to be “mindful” all day will make you miserable. You will not notice enough, or you will be too conscious of all the negative emotions, etc, etc. No. The key to beginner's mindfulness is to build “Stop Signs” into your day. And the second key is using gratitude to give your mind a job to do while you reflect.

We all shuttle our kids to and from music classes and school and sports, no matter what age they may be, so car time offers a great opportunity for us to weave mindfulness into our day. I love to drive and used to take huge long road trips alone before I had kids. This was pre-podcast so I would listen to books on tape or NPR for hours on end, but what I was really doing was thinking, letting my mind go wild! I would drive for 2 hours and not even notice how far I had gone. The car was not a very “aware” place for me. So making a place where I checked in with myself felt like a steep climb at first, but it wasn’t. 

I didn’t realize it at first, but I have a place on the highway I tend to arrive at that breaks me out of my car-driving stupor. It's the mountain near my house. The largest thing on the horizon so it’s tough to ignore and when I reach it I am typically woken up from my thinking trance. At first, it was an innocent “oops, I forget I was driving for a minute” realization. But it has grown into a purposeful “Stop Sign” now. 

When I get to the mountain I use it to check in, to notice different things about my present moment. Any number of inquiries can run through my head at that point pulling me back into my body and the world around me:

• Oh man, was I zoned out the entire time I went to grab takeout? 

• How are you doing Stef, what’s your body like right now? 

• Can you think of one thing to be grateful for right now?

• Have you noticed the song on the radio? How does it make you feel? 

• Look at the light on the mountain, isn't it gorgeous today? 

You get it. The more I do this, the earlier on the highway I can catch my zone out and look around and, more importantly check-in. This Stop Sign is usually the place where I discover I have been carrying a headache around all day. I can unclench my teeth and let the realization seep in that the pain most likely contributed to my mood or feeling a little off or impatient around my kids that day. And I allow myself to release a bit of tension.

Seeing the mountain sometimes inspires me to dive into what makes me happy. I'll finally notice the song that is on and do some deep listening, finding each individual instrument in the background, following them as they weave in and out of the melody. Or if it's a day that I need a release, I will crank it up and sing so loudly that the part of me that wants to yell is freed — before I get home. 

And so, I would encourage you to find your Stop Sign this week to incorporate more noticing and gratitude during the day. We can put our noticing skills to the test here, asking ourselves (sometimes multiple times a day) what we are grateful for. And remember, this is not an opportunity to criticize or even change what is going on - I can’t fix my headache in the car, after all, I notice it and accept that, yep I am in pain, and it sucks.

Choosing to notice the fog around the mountain or if you choose folding laundry as your Stop Sign — then the soft texture of a towel as you fold it — may seem small, but these are the compounding practices that make a big difference to our brains rewiring. So even if the stresses of parenting send you to places that you have no choice to go, you still have a choice: you can simply notice the present moment use your gratitude anchor to find something good, and allow the rest to just be - because a bit of reactivity or a lot of reactivity doesnt make you a bad mom, it makes you human, and I know you are Good As Fuck.  - Stef

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Gratitude Practice: Love and Kindness Body Scan

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Let’s do a ‘parenting with gratitude exercise where we focus on our bodies. Every few posts or so, I try to give you another gratitude exercise to try because I want you to have that moment when things click, that you say, “Oh yeah, it’s so simple I just have to breath” or “Damnit I AM a Good AF mom — that’s right.” 

I think it’s important to offer a variety of options for you using the catalyst of gratitude - we have done regimented practices like lists and alarms and more creative, fast-paced ones like rapid-fire gratitude and family fun – but we haven’t dropped into the body - that grounding place we carry with us at all times. 

Focusing on our bodies and their experiences during our changing emotional states is called a somatic approach. Yes, some of the exercises somatic therapists use involve breathing, dance, or meditation – but hang on with me a bit if that is too woo for you. What I am suggesting is not some ecstatic dance; I am interested in helping you to tune in with the messages your body is trying to tell you when maybe your brain just wants to keep you nice and busy. 

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For example, when I am feeling sad, and I feel it in my body, it feels like a deep dark hole in my heart, and anxiety, well, that’s a really somatic emotion where we can feel tight or vibration or agitation that rips through - that one is hard to miss. And yes, these are the more obvious and uncomfortable emotions, but I also feel gratitude in my body, like a warm light shining from my heart.  

And there are so many more - everyone has their individualized body sensations. When we are busy, not paying attention, or just caught up in modern parenting life, we can miss the more subtle cues our bodies are trying to tell us, like - “That doesn’t feel like the right choice” or “I dont really like talking to her.” And these missed moments can contribute to our feelings of uneasiness in our lives or just general dissatisfaction. 

Typically in these practice articles, I share exercises that work for me to self-reflect, contribute somehow to my long-term healing, or offer self-compassion — all using the prompt of gratitude — and since I feel like I have skipped the body up until this point, I started to sort through my days and experiences to see if I could offer a few somatic options.

A real basic and something we haven’t talked about much on the blog is a body scan, and as soon as I thought of it, I was like, duh, Stef – because I wrote an entire book for kids based on a body scan called The Middle of the Night Book.

A body scan is the perfect example of a somatic exercise you can do to check in with yourself and see just where your body is at. And a body scan is something you can do with or without having to experience a significant and possibly crappy emotion coursing through it. I love the extra attention it gives to the different microclimates of my body and the curiosity and openness it requires. In Buddhism, they call those microclimates feeling tones and typically label them as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral to take some of the mind triggers and judgment out of the process. 

To do a Love and Kindness Body Scan you don’t have to be lying down or in a meditative state - you can simply be sitting in the school pick-up line or feeding your baby a bottle, and you bring your attention to specific body parts. Start from your feet and move part by part up your body, and at each part, you pause and say something kind like Thank you for your support feet, or I send you love and warmth legs - yes, it may feel cheesy but trust me your body does not care. Take your time and go all the way up your body saying these kindnesses and gratitudes – and once you are done, you can offer that baby you're holding the same love and kindness, or if you are alone, then the world - may all beings everywhere be loved and at peace.

This is a simple way I give myself the attention I so deserve. And you deserve it too. Using this type of preventative self-care is vital so that when you do feel a deep and wide emotion like grief or anger, allowing it to be there will be your first step, noticing it and then offering it kindness - I see you deep dark hollow in my chest, I am not going to run away this time. I offer you love and kindness, and respect the messages you may bring up.

We are complex beings who sometimes get stuck inside our heads, I sure do, and the messages up there are hit or miss. The body never lies. It will tell you just what you need to know - it’s just whether or not you take the time to listen. - Stef

Gratitude Will Save Your Motherhood

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Gratitude will save your motherhood - it saved mine.

Inside each of these blog posts, I hope you find something that resonates with you and helps you feel like a GoodAF mom - because you are! Maybe it’s gratitude, maybe it’s help with caregiver burnout, or maybe it’s mindfulness, I know you will find what works for you.

No matter the method, I know that checking in with ourselves is the simplest way to start any amount of healing.

So if you are unsure what to do next - I would start with self-reflection. And if you are looking for the next step after that, I would try offering a small piece of self-compassion - like “Wow, that is hard” or “Yeah, that’s unfair.”

But if you are looking for a system or a step-by-step path to follow, day after day, you can give gratitude a try.

I like to call that system parenting with gratitude. Why does gratitude matter to parenting? Well, I have been parenting for 14 years. And in the past 14 years, I have felt Mom Guilt, shame, isolation, resentment, burnout, self-doubt, and the list goes on.

And underneath it all lived another issue - right? It was a self-worth issue. A not-good-enough issue. It was rooted in the idea that I was a bad mom. And that issue clouded over everything I did - it was a mindset.

Every time I walked into a room, I brought that mindset with me - the mess on the floor = somehow my fault, the leaky faucet = should have dealt with it this weekend, the breakfast no one ate = I should have listened to what they wanted. I was looking through a cloud.

But as soon as I deliberately started practicing gratitude, there was no argument that I was a good mom because I started to notice all the good things I did every day. I hadn’t been noticing them –  I was just focused on all the mistakes and failures that I was making. Because of that low self-worth cloud.

Parenting with gratitude is not only about looking at the good and being complacent; it’s about realigning your mindset to focus on the good so that you can clear out all that negative self-worth talk, and you can say, “Ok, I am starting from a place of good parenting. I am a good mom who makes mistakes” and then you can go from there.

Gratitude builds upon itself from one day to the next –That’s why I like it so much. Using a daily system, I notice the effects of my effort more quickly - and when I do, I want to do more!  I want to notice more good things, and I want to do more good things for my kids and for others! I notice that I am a good mom, and I have great kids!!

I hope it works for you too! - Stef

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Building Blocks to Parenting with Gratitude™

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Since the focus is so heavily on gratitude during the month of November, we are going to shift a bit to talk about skills that we can use year-round for parenting with gratitude™. It’s not just during November that you can layer support upon a daily gratitude practice and add some real punch to your self-growth journey.

If you have read my Gratitude Cheatsheet, you know I have a list of habits I try to practice that build upon my intention for a grateful life. That list was made with the blood, sweat, and tears (well, not really blood) of my own trial and error as I figured out just what worked when supporting this new life filled with gratitude. What new skills could I learn during this process that would set me up for success? 

Well, there are many! Let’s read the list again:

• Wake up a bit earlier, nothing crazy, just like 5 minutes earlier. Write down 10 things you are grateful for - this trains your brain away from the negativity bias. (Gratitude)

• Remind yourself your children don’t know your past traumas or the emotional burdens you may carry. (Equanimity)

• Then remind yourself that they are new to this planet. (Empathy)

• Go through your day and observe your children with the same awe and wonder they observe the world. (Joy and Delight)

• Start saying out loud the nice things that are already in your head. (Affirmations)

• Begin noticing when you’re upset and what your expectations are at that moment. (Mindfulness)

• Before you go to bed, go into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. (Compassion)

• Mentally list 3 things you're grateful for as you get into bed. (Courage)

• Remind yourself of one thing that went well during the day. (Self-Reflection)

These steps are some of the ACTION components to our well-being equation - which is:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results 

And they are also rooted in positive emotions that take advantage of Barbara Fredrickson's Broaden and Build cycle. And if you want to know more about the magic of the broaden and build cycle listen to Episode 13 of the podcast.
Today I’m excited to dig into three of the ideas that center around our children, and they are:

• Remind yourself that your kids don’t the emotional burdens you carry. 

• Remind yourself that they are new to this planet. 

And 

• Before you go to bed, go into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. 

To do this, we need to talk about Professor Robert Emmons's ARC Model of Gratitude. He says that gratitude does three things as we become more accustomed to its role in our lives. It Amplifies, Rescues, and Connects or ARC. Gratitude amplifies the good in our world. It helps us to see MORE of it all around us and then expect more of it as we live our everyday lives. And over time, that mindset builds and grows. 

Gratitude rescues us from the negative-leaning aspects of our minds. Have you ever felt stuck in a cycle of forgetfulness or laziness? Yep, that’s your mind at work - keeping you safe but also keeping you pretty cramped and grumpy, always looking for the next thing to go wrong. In addition to our mind’s natural tendency towards the negative, we are influenced by our environments where negative news gets more attention and the louder you yell on social or, the more salacious you act, the more ‘likes’ you get.

It’s exhausting! As Professor Emmons says it, gratitude rescues us from the negativity trap, “rescues us from the thieves that derail our opportunity for happiness, and gets us back on track to contentment and inner peace.”

And finally, gratitude connects! Once you are out of that ‘funk’ and you notice all the good around you, even the most challenging relationships may feel like less of a threat to you. In fact without gratitude, our society would crumble. We would not be connected in the ways we are to people that are outside our family unit. But when you look up from your phone and say “Thank You” to your barista an automatic link is formed between you both, and the world is better for it. 

Using the ARC model, we can take a closer look at our relationship with our children. The first system I use is to amplify my gratitude. And I do this with a series of reminders. You can write these down on a post-it and put them in your car or make a reminder that pops up once a week on your phone or you can simply reflect on them from time to time, but again they are: 

• Remind yourself that your kids don’t the emotional burdens you carry. 

• Remind yourself that they are new to this planet. 

Why do these amplify my gratitude? Well, first off, thank goodness that when I snap at my son, the only thing he sees on his end is me snapping - not my Mom Guilt or my Inner Critic telling me to hurry up or do a better job - he doesn’t need that crap it’s bad enough his mom is mad. And when we cut through the drama and simply see it as “snapping” it’s much easier to notice. Noticing when we act out of alignment with our goals is the first step towards what I call the “Juicy Pause,” or allowing for a longer and longer pause BEFORE the actual mistake. Maybe we breathe instead or use a gentle parenting phrase. But there is no pause without first noticing the unwise action – and there is noticing the unwise action when it’s covered up with a story filled with suffering, “You have to be better” - “You need to hurry up, or you will be late” - “You have to finish this report in total silence or it won’t be tight enough for presentation tomorrow.”  You know the scary voices. So reminder #1 - Your kids do not know your emotional burdens.

Reminder #2 - Your kids are new to this planet. Maybe you have a 2-year-old. That means they have been here for 24 months. That’s it. Total. Of course, they are gonna be a mess they literally just learned how to use their limbs. And sometimes they can talk like you but a lot of the time they can’t! My son, who is 10 - he’s new here! Sure he’s been around the block a few times, but he has not experienced nearly as much as I have or his brother, who is 14. He still hasn’t learned to regulate his emotions or sit still for more than a half hour - and that’s fine! I am grateful for the chance to guide him along the way - the empathy from this type of mindset shift helps us to see just how much effort they are putting in each day to grow and just to learn the lingo and the neighborhood. Would you consider someone who moved into your neighborhood three years ago a local? Or maybe they still have a few things to learn that, if asked you would be happy to teach them.

Empathy also rescues you from the ruminations of parenthood, the 100 times you need to tell them to bring their backpacks in from the car or stay away from the dog’s water dish. Remembering their new here can rescue your mind from the negative places it wants to go like impatience and frustration and bring you back to the present where it’s all one big adventure, and you just happen to be the loving tour guide.

So there are the reminders that amplify and rescue, and then there is the nighttime routine which helps to Connect. But here’s the best part especially for those of you in the throws of toddlerhood moodiness…You do it when they are asleep.

Try this for a week: Before you head off to bed for the night, sneak into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. Savor it. They aren’t awake, so they can’t talk back. You want to think about the most positive aspects of your relationship. If you want, you can list three things that you love about them in your head or write them down and leave them as a morning note. 

If you do this for a week, you will feel a deeper connection grow with your child, and sometimes we need this so that we can access the empathy and mindfulness needed to notice.

As James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits, famously says, “You do not rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems.” And just like our GoodAF Mom Intention these ideas are not just a “try it once and let it go” activity. I offer them up as routines that you can incorporate into your parenting - they are the building blocks of what I call Parenting with Gratitude™. Just little tweaks you can make to your normal life that over time will have a big impact. We don’t need to wipe the slate clean, only amplify what is already here and true, rescue our minds from habitual thoughts and reactions and connect with the humans around us. So give it a try and I hope you know – You’re a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

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How to Avoid Toxic Positivity while Remaining Grateful

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How can we remain grateful while also staying away from toxic positivity?

We are now in what my family calls ‘The Gauntlet’. The time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s that seems to go by SO Fast. And while it's exciting and fun, it’s also a lot. And I want to talk about that “a lot-ness” and about how we can acknowledge both the overwhelming aspects of a situation while also seeing the good - the silver linings.

When we accept that there are both shitty sides to the season and glorious ones, we can become more in alignment with ourselves, the present moment and our GoodAF Mom Intention.

And to do this you can use a visualization practice:

I want you to identify one SMALL annoyance in your life right now and focus on it. We aren’t gonna do a big issue today – but something that is still a bit stressful like a cookie exchange you committed to or getting matching PJs in time (both of these work for me actually). We are not going to make it go away – but silly enough we are going to make it into a household object - so pick something neutral like a hair tie or a coin got it?

Now think about your house. Some places are pleasant, there are places that are unpleasant (I see you, laundry), and then there are neutral places like a window sill that maybe gets good light but not great and isn't too shady. It’s just a neutral spot in your home.

Now please take that coin or hair tie or whatever, hold it close to your chest, and allow yourself to feel the intensity of that annoying situation as much as you can, and as you do so, place all of the feelings inside the object. Now that the object has been filled, place it on the window sill.

Now I want you to think of a situation around this time of year that fills you to the brim with gratitude or joy. And find another neutral object in your home that you will infuse with this feeling - maybe a pencil or tube of chapstick, nothing with a story. Hold it tightly and close, close, close, infusing it with all the good feelings this situation gives you. And when you are done place it on the windowsill next to the other one, just side by side they dont need to be touching.

Now take a step back.

What do you see? Well, two objects, right? Neither the hair tie nor the tube of chapstick has meaning when they are sitting there on the windowsill. They just are. One is not better than the other. One is not louder nor more vital to your world. But here’s the thing - the intensity you feel if you pick them up is similar. Studies show that stress and excitement exist in the same chemical makeup within the body in fact. However, it’s the story that we attach to the hair tie that makes it feel like suffering or anxiety, while the chapstick feels more like anticipation. 

OK, you can leave the items there on the shelf and come back to reality. They will be fine - in fact, as you walk away and come back to reality, you may notice that the anxiety you felt around the hair tie is actually more manageable now. You know where it is but you put it down for now.

This exercise does not mean you should cling to your over-commitments this season — if anything you should weed some out while it’s still early. But instead of talking about saying No this season (let’s save that for another week) we are going to talk about Benefit Finding today – and also how our relationship to stress either makes situations more manageable or just plain chaotic. I hope that this blog makes it clear that being positive all the time is not the ultimate goal. My overall well-being and yours is the goal - not blind optimism.

So if you’re unhappy or feel like your wellness journey has been put on the back burner — or left behind in childless life — you’re in the right place. Burning out is something that happens to us all and these days it happens even faster than before BECAUSE of the perfect parenting messages we receive and our surrounded by on the daily.

I ALREADY KNOW YOU ARE AN AMAZING PARENT.

You’re here reading this after all. I just think (myself included) that we forget to look at all the good things we do every day because the “bad” is so heavy and LOUD. When we hurt our kids it feels awful - like so, so bad. When we are tired we get triggered, if we carry uninvestigated emotional baggage or trauma it comes out, and if we are burned out we are not able to parent the way we want. But you aren’t all bad - you are a loving and kind parent whose intentions are good – you have both hair ties and you have chapsticks on your windowsill — and because of that truth I also know there are a million things you are doing right each day. Using a daily gratitude scan to notice the good we are fighting the autopilot to mom-shame or self-doubt.

When we are living through difficult circumstances like the ongoing stress we felt throughout the pandemic, if we can notice both our suffering and the silver lining of our circumstances and hold them as equally important we provide our brains the opportunity to grow what are called “benefit finding” muscles that support our overall resiliency. 

What is Benefit-Finding? The first studies on this skill were conducted with children who were in chronic pain due to illness and benefit finding referred to the process of perceiving positive consequences in the face of adversity – finding the silver lining in tough situations even ones that may cause a significant amount of personal suffering. However, most importantly the perception of a “silver lining” with an adverse event was most beneficial when derived with internal motivation and not external triggers. 

From the book The Upside of Stress by health psychologist Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.linked in show notes  says:

“To my ears, benefit finding sounds like the kind of positive thinking that tries to scurry away from the reality of suffering: Let’s look on the bright side so we don’t have to feel the pain or think about the loss.”

However she goes on to say:

“But despite my own allergic reaction, this research doesn't suggest that the most helpful mindset is a Pollyannish insistence on turning everything bad into something good. Rather it’s the ability to notice the good as you cope with things that are difficult. In fact, being able to see both the good and the bad is associated with better long-term outcomes than focusing purely on the upside…Looking for the good in stress helps most when you are also able to realistically acknowledge whatever suffering is also present.”

Tough times are not a good thing - wishing pandemic parenting on you so you can grow is insane and something I would never do. However, learning to accept that the tough times will be part of the whole modern parenting package and STILL see within them the good can help you cope with the feelings of helplessness. When you can see your circumstances as both temporary and also beneficial (even in the smallest way) you can adjust your mindset enough to regain your footing.

So things are both good and not so good - and thats’s O.K. right? We all have our hair ties and our chapsticks and we can put them down and look at them as just what they are - parts of a well-lived life. Share where you are in your journey with me - I would love to know, you can email me at parentdifferently@gmail.com or shoot me a DM on Instagram and I want you to remember that you are already Good AF Mom. - Stef

Yes, you can meditate

Yes, you can meditate — and parent, and work, and sleep, and breathe, and pay the bills....and it’s not called “doing it all”. Self-reflection is simple and free self-care.

I see this a lot in my social feeds: “meditating every day does not solve a working parent’s problems,” and I have to push back. I understand the sentiment of course: our culture doesn’t take care of parents, and that starts first and foremost in the workplace.

But dissing sitting quietly to notice how you feel makes me uncomfortable. Also, I believe referencing “meditation” here doesn’t make any sense - in reality, what we are talking about is taking a moment for self-reflection. That could look like sitting for 5 minutes and focusing on your breath - that could look like walking around the block without a podcast or your phone. Self-reflection CAN help with parents’ problems because it takes the focus off the hectic world we reside in and brings us back to our core, our self, and where we are emotionally.

And so I think this is an apples-to-oranges situation. What they should be saying is that a 5-minute break does not make the stress of modern parenting any better because you still need to endure the demands of a 40-60 hour workweek and no social support from our government.

No amount of Self-reflection will fix our work-obsessed, “pretend you don’t have a family” culture — but it’s not gonna make it any worse either.

How do I know? Well, it starts with the insight of a nine-year-old. One of my sons is a big afterschool talker (either you have an oversharer or a non-sharer, you’ll see). One day last year, he came home and shared that he had a bad stomachache at school, “Mom I was feeling really, really bad, like really bad. So I stopped and took a breath. And it didn’t make me feel better, but it stopped me from feeling worse!”

An adult version of a “stomachache” could be anything: anger, resentment, overwhelm, burnout, or just plain sadness. And we walk around with these aches, not noticing. And when we DO notice, it’s because things get SO bad we have to, and it’s WAY too late. We are burned out and have been stressed for days. We need the skills to notice our stomachaches earlier so we can take the necessary next steps. Instead, what does it take for us to notice? Typically it’s something we can’t ignore: we lose it on our child or our partner, or our body gives out in some way, we push good friends away, we get into a fender bender…

When I had 2 kids under 10 years old, I worked 50-60 hour weeks, traveled, and dealt with start-up hours and investors’ insane demands. One day, I lost all feeling in my left arm - my body had finally had too much. It slammed on the brakes and made me notice how out of alignment my life had become.

In addition to not noticing, we use distraction and indulgence to ignore or withdraw from bad feelings as they try to reveal themselves. Some of us spend too much money online or watch too much TikTok at work — or maybe we drink too much.

Whatever it is — these coping mechanisms keep us from discovering that we have hit our mental health wall and boom! we are in a full-blown Mom Tantrum, and we don’t know how we got there.

I know the people who crap on meditation have hit a mental health wall before — that seems evident from their determination to care for the blights of the working parent. Unfortunately, well-meaning or not, they have got it all wrong. Meditation is not a chance to zone out and “be calm” — and it’s certainly not an escape.

Meditation, or just a simple practice of self-reflection, is the opportunity to train your brain to notice your state - good, bad, or ugly. Your state is just your mood or fleeting emotion you may be experiencing. And once we can notice our state, we can attend to our needs before #$*& hits the fan. We can use this self-reflection technique as simple and accessible self-care. And when we do it leads to more self-care: like a walk outside or chatting with a friend.

I have lived the “Start-Up” life, my husband worked 12-hour days, too, add in that we also were living in one of the most expensive cities in the world, of course, we were exhausted. Until I started to take care of myself, it only felt like it was going to get worse — but as soon as I started taking care of myself, I didn’t get better right away but it stopped getting worse. And I realized that I had choices.

That’s what our “money-as-success” culture takes away from us — choices that come from a broad perspective — and it takes away our curiosity too. We’re just so exhausted and are lulled into the false notion that we have to go to work and be perfect there and go home and be perfect there, too. We forget to question any of it. Perfection does not need to be your truth because it can’t be, you’re a parent, and #&$% happens: your kid gets lice the night before a three-day business trip, or your boss tells you that you need to add another responsibility to your list with no additional pay, or one of your arms becomes unusable and in severe pain (these are all real things that have happened to me!!).

When you are in a state of exhaustion, looking within can feel like a trap, like an unwinnable bargain you will make with the devil - after all what will you find, and does it matter? But it does. Because you matter, and hustle culture keeps you in motion precisely so you WON’T stop and look within. But that’s where all your answers will lie.

So, of course, five or 10 minutes of self-reflection daily will not solve the demands of modern work culture. These two things have nothing to do with one another — yet if you fix one, the other becomes a little more manageable. And you begin to notice what parts of work you like and don’t.

So I would say YES, learn to notice your emotions and moods, and more and more, you will discover all the choices available. How can you do this? Well, you have got to dig yourself out with your own two hands. The government isn’t gonna come save you, and your boss isn’t gonna come save you, and the culture isn’t going to change overnight. The only person that can change overnight is you - and if it were me, I would start with the self-care of a daily moment of reflection. ✌️ - Stef

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Gratitude feels too Awkward...

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Three main personality traits that keep parents (and humans!) from feeling gratitude are:

• Ego

• Cynicism

• Resentment

Sure, sometimes you’re just not grateful. Let’s be honest, we have all been on the receiving end of a gift we weren’t totally excited about. Maybe one that is a little bit ridiculous, like a complicated puzzle for a 2-year-old, but we want to be nice, so we fawn gratefulness - but are we grateful? Probably not. This inauthentic response is natural and comes from a good place – a place of compassion! And if we feel into it enough, sure, we can get to gratitude – after all, it's the thought that counts. 

In those moments, we may not benefit from the well-being boost gratitude typically offers because the feeling of gratitude is most beneficial when it is felt most intensely. It is then downloaded into our operating systems with a deep level of truth, enough to motivate us to shift perspectives, exercise, connect with other humans and feel more confident and less of a mess.

But if we want to feel these things, it’s got to feel real for it to stick.

Inauthenticity is an obstacle to gratitude. But it's not permanent – we can bounce in and out of this fleeting feeling or what scientists would classify as a state. You are not an inauthentic person for being outwardly grateful but inwardly not. It’s just a moment in time. 

What is a State? Well, a state is a more temporary feeling, and its counterpart, which scientists call a trait, is more of a baked-in mode of being in the world. So you can be afraid of something (a state) or fearful, always worried or on edge (a trait). You can be shy in a new situation but warm up over time (a state), or you can be extremely introverted and never able to warm up (A trait).

Gratitude is a tremendous emotion because it isn’t just an emotion. It can be both a state AND a trait. You can be in a state of gratitude or possess the trait of gratitude (don’t worry, its learnable too). I view the Altruistic state of gratitude as a never-ending cycle of good begets good. Gratitude can also broaden and build your perspective to the point where instead of behaving like a fleeting emotion or state, it becomes more of a permanent mindset or trait. But altruistic gratitude is hard because, let’s be honest, it involves other people. 

And the most common barrier to sharing thankfulness with other people is awkwardness. I am sure you feel it too. Every time I ask a mom friend for help, it’s awkward to share just how grateful I am to her because it’s like a LOT, a LOT, and that seems like TOO much to share. I may make her feel weird about helping me in the first place, so I temper my thanks. Do you? Well, come to find out, this is normal! 

In a study named “Under Valuing Gratitude,” Amir Kumar and Nick Epley asked people to write a letter of gratitude to a friend. They then asked them to rate the following:

• how awkward the friend would feel reading it,

• how surprised they would be by the letter, and

• how happy it would make them feel. 

On the whole, they found that people underestimated the effect the letter would have on the receiver, how surprised they would be — AND they overestimated the level of awkwardness the receiver would feel. People loved the letters — they didn't feel awkward about them at all. They were happy to hear the good things they had contributed to another’s life. And it made them feel good to get a letter saying that, in fact much more than what the letter’s authors had predicted.

Whoops, so awkwardness around saying “Thank You” or writing a quick note to a colleague is not as big of a deal as we think it’s going to be — in fact, that belief gets in the way of us realizing just how important our sentiments will be to that person.

After that info, I'm psyching myself up to write my letter, are you? Well, here’s one more motivator. The research on its benefits to your well-being is super strong as well. Some of the longest-lasting effects of gratitude measured have been in the months following the mailing of a gratitude letter to a friend, with people still feeling the effects sometimes as long as 2 months later. (that’s the research of Professor Robert Emmons)

Interestingly, an over-inflated ego typically doesn’t let us forget just how important we are to other people. You need to be humble to be afraid to send your letter. And that’s a good thing! Saying to yourself, “Oh no it won't matter that much to them. They won’t care. It will just be weird.” actually opens you up to more gratitude.

Humility is crucial to a regular practice of gratitude. Researchers behind the study, “Thieves of Thankfulness: Traits that inhibit Gratitude,” report, “Humility fosters thankfulness when one believes that they are superior to others and one has a high sense of entitlement, all benefits from others cease to be gifts; they are simply the goods that others and life owes them.”

So let’s take the advice of the “awkwardness” researchers and start handing out letters and thank you’s. (Yes, thank you cards actually matter, but let your child pick what to say so you can keep that authenticity and intensity alive.) We can model humility and grace in other ways too.

We can model waiting - literally waiting. Have you ever tried waiting for your child without your standard narration? The next time you leave the house, cut your talking to a minimum and simply wait for them. Yes, this can be hard, especially when you know the morning sequence and just how many seconds it will take to go from on time to late, but you are modeling patience so it will be worth it!

We can model saying No. Just because we are wanted and needed everywhere by everyone does not mean we need to say Yes. Why do I know this is a problem for you? Well, it's a problem for most moms. We want to be in three places simultaneously because we want everyone to be happy. Unfortunately, we are teaching our children how to overextend themselves. By modeling saying "No," we demonstrate to our children the boundaries needed for a more curated and intentional life.

Finally, the simplest way to counter entitlement for both ourselves AND our kids is to shift the focus away from what we don't have to what we do have. A daily gratitude practice introduces the language of "enough" into our homes. 

To introduce a family gratitude practice, you must start a practice yourself. Children do learn best through modeling. You can include them in the process, but by showing them, it’s part of your life, you will make it safe and introduce valuable mindset-shifting vocabulary to your homes. Including your kids in your practice could be as simple as asking your children to pick a letter from the alphabet and see how many good things you can list that begin with the letter – or by writing down three things you're grateful for each morning on a wipe-off board in the kitchen. The point is to do it daily and ensure they see you doing it.

Obstacles to gratitude are manageable. We can get there. The awkwardness is a mirage, and your ego is not in charge. We can find ways to take that fleeting emotion and make it a trait to step into an entirely grateful way of being. And when you do, I know the first thing you will discover is that you’re a pretty awesome mom already - in fact, you are Good AF. - Stef

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Learning to Let Go of Resentment

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This will sound weird, but Beyoncé helped me to deal with my resentment. Specifically, the resentment around my partner not helping - after we had our first baby, sure, but even later once we had two, and they were much older. The resentment and indignation had built up - and bitterness had taken over my mind and thoughts.

Let’s be honest, parenthood is not evenly balanced in this country, and most of the weight still lands on mothers. So, when I tell you that I am carrying less resentment than ever before, you may be surprised. After all, it feels like a natural part of parenthood these days, doesn’t it?

During her HBO special Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown shared that the emotion of resentment was NOT in the anger family as she had previously believed – an emotions researcher had clarified to her that resentment was actually part of the Envy family, 

It was a bit of a shocker for me to hear that – the injustices of our culture, the unfair emotional load inside my own home - that shit made me mad. 

And so I had to take a hard look at my resentment (and there was plenty to look at) — and well, crap. envy was the real culprit, and the anger was just a reaction to it all. 

As I looked over many of my mothering years, I could see envy play out in each and every painful instance of bitterness. Some were harder than others to equate to envy - but some were pretty obvious: Resenting friends who traveled during the pandemic quarantine - yep, that was actually envy. Resenting my mother-in-law for taking up so much of my time, yep, envy, because she was more engaged than my own. Resenting the moms who looked like they stepped off the Met Gala red carpet at school pick up, yep, I was definitely envious of their sense style because I never know where to start. 

I have always been jealous of my husband’s role as a non-primary parent. Maybe you have been too? Non-primary caregivers (still largely a role played by men) have a different experience in this country. While we get to know ourselves as entirely new people, they get up every day and go to work. My husband kept his same friends, his same after-work happy hours, and his same commute. And then, when he was home, he was a parent, TOO – how could resentment not grow out of that? 

And after more than a decade of parenting together, not much has changed. He still has a very different experience living (and thriving!?) within parenthood. Yes, he is an actively engaged parent. He takes large swaths of the weekends to play with the kids so I can disappear, he cleans up after them, and throws a few activity books in a bag when we go out to dinner (without me asking!!) – but his identity just hadn’t morphed in the drastic ways that mine has over the years.

Flashing back to the shitshow that was 2020, we are suddenly thrown into a global crisis together, and boom! things got really obvious. Sure I had been a parent for ten years, but I hadn’t been “on” like this since the newborn days: full-time parenting, crisis schooling, making breakfast, lunch, and dinner for four people every. single. day. and trying to maintain my business, writing, and creative outlets (ha!). Peak resentment level - unlocked! 

Do you remember what it felt like? Life had dramatically changed, but my partner’s had only changed slightly: he was home now, and bonus! it came with homemade meals. The bitterness reached critical mass when it became the first thing on my mind every single day as I rolled myself out of bed. All the ways this situation was unfair to me and not to him screaming to fill the void – yeah, not such a great way to start your day.

This habit of rumination took me forever to notice, but when I did, I didn’t like it. I didn't like waking up in a “mood.” We were already going through so much as a family my children and my partner did not need me starting off on the wrong foot. And so, I decided to give the practice of noticing my thoughts a try every morning as I woke up.

And I did this for a while, maybe two or three weeks! And as I noticed all the negativity that lived inside my morning fog, I also noticed a competing force. I actually could hear something else. Songs. At first, it was frustrating too, like: Why am I constantly fighting with these songs that are stuck in my head!? I'm trying to listen for my resentment! I was trying hard not to let my wrath take charge of my day, but all I could hear was Justin Beiber or Beyoncé.

And then one day, I was like – you know what? I need to start listening to these songs because they're consistently around and not going away. And I gave up fighting them and began to listen every morning. And the songs were really quite upbeat. This was amazing because it was just what I had been looking for – moments of feeling good and uplifted. And so every morning I listened, grabbed onto the hook, and held on for dear life – and it would get me through the day.

And slowly, as I switched my attention to the songs, the resentful thoughts faded.

And now, two years later, I get excited to wake up each morning to see what songs are in my head – because I think it’s my subconscious trying to give me a message: Okay, today you need to focus on this or reflect on that from yesterday – use this song. It's a rewarding and enriching experience I have with myself every morning. And it's because I had the courage to look at my habitual thoughts – my envy – and say, “What's going on here?” 

We aren’t all going to wake up to the Queen B, but there are plenty of opportunities for healing that are right under our noses. When we stop giving all our attention to our habitual thoughts (especially to those rooted in emotions that aren’t what they seem - resentment, I’m looking at you) and try out the simple practice of just noticing, we can take a more thoughtful approach to our daily lives, and even open up a little room for something a bit more Irreplaceable. - Stef

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Three Main Benefits of Parenting with Gratitude

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The Three Benefits of Parenting with Gratitude

Parenting is hard—there’s no denying it. But what if shifting your focus could make it feel more fulfilling, even joyful?

Parenting with gratitude© doesn’t just help you notice the good; it transforms the way you show up for your kids and yourself.

Here are three key benefits of parenting with gratitude©:

1. Gratitude Builds Resilience

Parenting is full of challenges, but gratitude changes the way you respond to them. When you focus on what’s working—like the small wins or moments of connection—you build emotional resilience. Gratitude strengthens your ability to bounce forward after tough days, making you more present and patient for the next while allowing you to see the skills and strengths you bring to the role.

Quick tip: At the end of each day, write down one small parenting win, even if it’s as simple as, “I made it through today.”

2. Gratitude Enhances Connection

Gratitude helps you see your child for who they are—messy emotions and all. By appreciating their unique qualities, you strengthen your bond and build mutual respect. When children feel valued, their confidence grows, and your relationship deepens. Gratitude also allows you to see all the helpers in your life–because while modern parenthood can feel lonely, there are still people in our lives that show up for us in small ways every day.

Try this: During tough moments, pause and ask yourself, “What do I appreciate about my child right now?” or “Who helped me today?”

3. Gratitude Shifts Perspective

When you focus on gratitude, the daily grind of parenting feels less like an endless to-do list and more like an opportunity for growth. Gratitude widens your perspective, helping you see challenges as part of a bigger picture instead of just frustrations.

Example: That tantrum? It’s not just a meltdown—it’s a chance to teach emotional regulation, both for your child and yourself.

Start Small: A Gratitude Practice for Parents

Parenting with gratitude doesn’t mean ignoring the hard stuff. It’s about balancing the hard moments with a purposeful practice of noticing the joy, the growth, and the small wins. Start by looking for one thing you’re grateful for each day—about your child, your partner, or even yourself. Over time, these small moments build up into a more fulfilling parenting journey.

Want to dive deeper into the benefits of gratitude? Read more here or sign up for weekly practices to bring gratitude into your daily life.

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Gratitude: a Stepping Stone to a More Mindful Life

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Gratitude: A Stepping Stone to a More Mindful Life

Hi, it’s me, Stef, again. Here to talk to you about parenting differently with gratitude. I am obsessed with gratitude because it has changed how I view the world. I grew up in New England, so I celebrated the negative. It’s kind of hard to describe how a cultural mindset works, but in Massachusetts, where I am from, it’s pretty acceptable to be super negative, sarcastic, and self-deprecating. 

First of all, not all of the Northeast is filled with pessimists, but I assure you that optimists are not the norm. You have to be hard to make it through the winter, and you have to be tough to fight for what you want. The world is not out to help you - the world is out to get you - and don't you dare show anyone that you can fall.

Of course, the world is not out to “get” a middle-class white girl from Massachusetts, even if she grew up in a small rural town. This is just another worldview - there are so many, after all. And so, I grew up with both the luxury of white privilege and the austerity of optimism. Weird? Maybe but if you are from the Northeast, you get it. 

So you know my starting viewpoint  – even if something went right, it was just law that the other shoe was always gonna drop somehow.

But I’m not like that anymore — and yes, living in California has something to do with it — but you can still be a negative SOB in the Golden State. My worldview has changed. That is what happened when I started to look inside and do the work I needed to do to become a happier human. And the intention was not enough - I DID have to do the work - I just didn’t need to grit my teeth and bear it. Parenting didn’t have to be about reading every book, going to every workshop, and FIGURING THAT $%^& out by myself. 

It took action — it took courage — did I want to keep choosing my kids over my well-being or did I want to choose myself first?

Choose yourself first. What does that really mean?

Well, it’s not as simple as taking an afternoon off - motherhood doesn’t work that way - especially in the early years. A “Choose Yourself First” mindset does not mean sacrificing your kids’ happiness for your own.  It’s about where you want to put your energy — you’re taking such great care of your kids — but what if you just lessened up a bit on that and started taking care of yourself a little more?

Take a quick second to reflect on the things in your control and see if you like how they are going.

Do you NEED to do everything you’re doing or is that your inner perfectionist at work? Is it society telling you that your kids HAVE to be in sports and that your HAVE to help with PTA and you HAVE to teach your newborn to swim - but do you?

You get to decide for yourself if the events and/or people in your life support or deteriorate your well-being. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for other people’s or cultural opinions.

Let’s take a look at my well-being success formula it’s:

INTENTION + ATTENTION + ACTION + REPETITION = RESULTS

And here we are talking about attention - where is most of your’s going? 

Yeah, it’s your kids, duh, I know.

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Let's talk about why gratitude could be the right action for parenting in the first place.

Every mother dreams about becoming less triggered by her kids; some of us yell, some give up – we all flood with overwhelm. Unfortunately, most parenting advice assumes we can break out of these habitual reactions without learning the skills to get there. 

Those preliminary cycle-breaking skills are crucial because we can't take any advice without getting to what I call "The Juicy Pause" – or that moment right before we react. We are always reading these books and trying these things and failing! Because they take patience, we just don’t have. I remember when I was a toddler parent how much I wished I could have more patience - like it was the key to everything when in reality, it was how quickly I went to reaction town that was keeping me from succeeding, I got triggered when my child didn’t respond to a new technique right away I modeled back their emotions and they slapped me in the face or laughed, I walked out of the room to have a time out and they followed me screaming, and so I screamed back. Nothing would stick, and it wasn’t because I was impatient - it was because I was TRIGGERED.

My reactions were emotional - not thoughtful.

How would I learn to be a better parent if I couldn’t stop myself from yelling at my child in the first place? I had to break some pretty deeply entrenched habits. Ones that had been modeled to me as a child and probably even modeled to my parents as children.  

To take the advice of so many well-meaning child experts out there, we have to expand the pause - the moment right before we are triggered, and the only way to do that is to learn to become more present, to notice there is a pause, to begin with.

We need a more mindful approach to parenting growth, one that I believe starts with a committed, daily practice of gratitude. 

Dan Harris, ABC correspondent and author of 10% Happier, has famously said, “I do meditation because it makes me 10 percent happier.” I feel the same about gratitude. 

It won’t fix your whole life - but after a few weeks, you will feel the subtle shift from how you used to think, feel and behave to the way you do now - and let me tell you, your kids will approve. 

And so I hope you stick with me as we plod deeper into this idea of Parenting Differently with Gratitude because the benefits make it worth it. Your self-doubt and Mom Guilt softens away, you become more connected to your friends and community, and you arrive right here in the present moment where your kids already live. 

What will you do to choose yourself this week? Well, I hope you will start writing that list each morning. And if you haven’t downloaded our mantra of the week, it is a perfect reminder you can put right there on your phone screen: Taking action is a gift to myself.

And don’t forget - you are already a Good AF mom.

Other posts on Gratitude:

Did you Parent Differently this Weekend?

I got a question for you: Did you parent differently this weekend?

Think about it. I bet immediately your thoughts are: No!

And of course, as parents, this is what we do. We go right to two things:

1. Too much of and not enough of:

   So too much screentime not enough family time, too much sugar, not enough healthy food, too much errands, not enough outside time you get it.

2. Or we go to cataclysmic events:

   Like the meltdown in church or the bedtime that took three hours instead of one.

This is called the negativity bias.

So when we look back quickly, over our weekend, we can say to ourselves, “No, that was not a good weekend” or “Okay, some things went great, but that tantrum really was my fault. And I didn't do a good job this weekend. So no, I didn't parent differently.”

If we are not paying attention, our negativity bias takes over and that is how you end up with guilt, shame, and built-in fear of messing up in the future — never getting it right.

The reason I always talked about parenting with gratitude is because it's an intentional way to look back over your weekend and override that negativity bias.

The simple yet effective practice looks like this: I'm gonna look over Saturday, and I'm gonna find five to 10 things that went well, or five to 10 things that I'm grateful for. Maybe they're small moments, maybe they're big moments, but you know what? You forgot. You forgot you're a good mom. And I guarantee you're gonna find five to 10 — I bet you could find 20. And then you're going to do that with Sunday.

And this is the practice of parenting with gratitude. It's looking over our lives with intention and saying, “I am not going to let the negativity bias ruin my week — I'm not going to enter into the mom guilt, shame cycle, because I am going to practice gratitude.”

And the more we do this, the more we look over our yesterday's for the good the more we can experience those situations in real time and begin to notice them the moment they happen. And in those moments, we can feel its positivity even deeper because we are present with the ones we love. And we are not doubting ourselves. We are not feeling lonely, and we are not somewhere inside of our anxiety or depression.

So I want you to ask yourself, did I parent differently yesterday? If you immediately go to a “too much” or “not enough” or that one thing that you just screwed up I want you to take the time to go through and look for the things that did go right because there are lots.

🤍 Stef

Want more? Join my free 12-Week Parenting with Gratitude Email Series here.

Choose Yourself First - It's Not that Simple.

Choose Yourself First!!? It’s not as simple as taking an afternoon off - motherhood doesn’t work that way - especially in the early years.

A “Choose Yourself First” mindset does not mean you sacrifice your kids’ happiness for your own either. 

It just means taking a quick second to reflect on the things that are in your control and see if you like how they are going.

You decide for yourself if the events and/or people in your life are supported or deteriorating from your well-being. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for other people’s or cultural opinions. 

And that starts from day 1: 

• Who do I really want inside the birthing room?

• Am I breastfeeding because I want to or because of the cultural pressure of “breast is best”? 

• Does bed sharing feel like the right choice? Or do I want them in a crib?

And then as they grow: 

• Am I potty training because I’m ready or because my mother said it was time? 

• Do I really need to go to swim class or is it making my afternoons too insane? 

By choosing yourself first, your voice has an equal or more important seat at the table. 

Parent differently with this genuine and curious mindset. You’ll be grateful you tried it.

Your Parenting Intention Glow Up

Instead of trying to be a better parent, let’s start being better to ourselves.

The very simple way I do that every day is with a daily gratitude practice. 

I am training my brain to notice the good things that happen each day instead of just the bad. 

At some point, I was just ready to parent differently. Maybe you are ready too?

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise so I am changing myself.” -Rumi

Parenting is a constant and evolving process and you need to decide what you want out of the relationship. As the Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield says at baby blessings: “You now have a live-in Zen Master - they are here to help you grow”. It’s never going to be over, your kids will always be your kids and every day they offer you an opportunity for deep and reflective self-growth.

I have come to look at it as a practice in true authentic self-care more than anything else. At the beginning of this self-care practice, I softened my intention to be a “Perfect Mother” to just becoming a better parent for my kids. But now after many years of practice, my intention is to just be happy.  

And most days I am. I surprise myself with how far I’ve come every day and I stand in amazement - really in awe - at how good it feels to be ok with imperfection.

Don’t expect to come to my house and see me interacting with my kids like some magical Mary Poppins though because that will be very far from what you see.

We have plenty of days where we argue and I yell and things are really hard. But the difference is that those days don’t define me anymore. I can meet my children where they are and support them in a way that sends me deeper into the circular practice of gratitude and contentment.

My intention to be happy is stronger than my intention for perfection ever was because I look for the good in every day and I reflect on what went right and not on what went wrong. Because there is a difference between wishing things would change and intending to make those changes for yourself.

My goal is to help you to begin the process of shifting your current type of parenting to something a little bit different, something that may result in you being a little bit happier. It may not be better right away, but we all learn through experience, growth doesn’t happen overnight. So what is your intention - what are you ready to stop wishing for and make a practice instead? It’s time for a parenting glow up so let’s get started today.

Don't become a "Parenting Expert" like me.

Me 10 years ago:

To be a better parent I need to read every book ever made.

Me now:

That was a waste of time.

LOL 😂…In all seriousness though, because of my devouring of parenting books and child developmental theory, I gathered an immense amount of empathy for my children and the phases they were going through. But my obsession also had an enormous negative effect on my self-worth, putting me into a constant state of feeling unworthy. Especially when the tips and tricks did not work! 

When I stopped trying to be a “better parent” and turned the empathy and curiosity onto myself I discovered I had a lot of work to do. And as soon as I got started, my parenting naturally began to shift and change toward the better.

Of course, you are now wondering - well wow, how did that happen?

“…rarely do we see wounds that are in the process of healing. I’m not sure if it’s because we feel too much shame to let anyone see a process as intimate as overcoming hurt, or if it’s because even when we muster the courage to share our still-incomplete healing, people reflexively look away.” - Brené Brown, Rising Strong.

As Brené Brown says, I think we all suffer when we skip over the process of healing: both as we watch others grapple with their suffering and also with our own journey. Wounds do inevitably heal of course but the writers, influencers, experts, and armchair quarterbacks all skip over that healing process when they talk about where they have been and where they are now. 

They are healed - you should try what they did because it worked! 

Well, I am not healed. My wounds are still fresh and each time I sit down to write it’s because I need help growing the scar tissue so necessary to move on. Each day I sit down to do the work I uncover a new trauma and that scares me because it keeps happening - new wounds open as the old ones sit waiting to be healed.

In those fresh moments, I shy away from meditation as the dam of tears inside my heart threatens to overflow causing me more pain than good - then three weeks go by and I am left reeling in regret. Why do I feel so much frustration and anger towards my kids! Well, my trauma and my open wounds are back running the show. 

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I know that over the past few years of doing gratitude research and committing to the practices of self-care and compassion I have grown - my wounds are not fresh. I also know how to bandage them and wait for the body to do its magic - but it can’t do it on its own, I have to help it along. I have to show up. I have to look at myself and my inner dialogue, I have to keep my Inner Critic at bay and notice when I am triggered. I must journal and find things I am grateful for because it’s my only road towards healing.

And now I live each day in what Brené Brown calls “the Rumble”: those moments after you are triggered and you have a knee-jerk reaction to something. But also right after you notice what you just did (which in itself takes years of mindfulness practice). 

Like me, you can learn to notice your reactions and get comfortable with not knowing the answers. I know from all my work so far that the best thing I can do was to honor my effort — that deep down in my subconscious I am already cheering myself on.

I have so many open wounds. My inner struggle with being a perfect parent is just one of them. 

I don’t think we grab a bandaid right now. Let’s just not sugar coat the struggle, or fast forward over it to “all better”. Living with grace is accepting there will be open wounds AND happiness and delight. 

I am living my best life — the best I have ever had to be honest. I have healed through a committed practice of gratitude and mindfulness but there are plenty of things that I am still in the thick of - that are not better and may never be. Living an authentic life is just that - making sure to acknowledge it all.

Is your intention to be “better” or just plain happy? I chose happy myself!

Mindful Children's Book #2 - Vote!

Help me pick my next book!

What do you think your child needs more right now?

The Gratitude Book will be about focusing on the good even in tough situations plus all the different ways we can express and feel gratitude every day.

The Letting Go Book will be about releasing things that we hold on to - difficult emotions, wanting things to stay the same, wanting people to act a certain way, etc.

Each book will incorporate a body awareness technique like my last book The Middle of the Night Book did. I feel strongly that children learn best when their mind AND body are engaged - and studies show that too.

Watch the video then vote in the comments below! Do you own my first book? Get it here!