How to be a #GoodAFMom
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James Clear, author of Atomic Habits has a famous quote:
“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems…Your system is the collection of daily habits that will get you there.
It made me wonder if I had been explaining my mission clearly enough to people. Parenting differently with gratitude - but how? And what is the goal? Well, there really isn’t a goal. There’s only the person I want to be: the happy parent who shows up.
A long time ago probably right after the birth of my motherhood, I made the intention to be a better parent. To break the cycle that I had survived, and to be a kind, attentive mother who raised kind, compassionate kids.
Well, that lasted a while, but along the way the realities of modern motherhood woke the Kraken deep inside, revealing my childhood trauma and my firey Inner Critic, fueled by expansive self-doubt, and stoked by an even larger store of perfectionism.
The intention of being a “better parent” was actually making my day-to-day worse. It kept reminding me of just how much of a not-so-good parent I was - and I was losing the parts of me I loved as they were sucked into the black hole of negativity, resentment, and shame.
Let’s just say I had fallen to the level of my systems and those systems were unintentional parenting and basically one big ball of reactivity and yelling. You know — what I was modeled as a child.
I just wanted to be happy but all I felt like was a Bad Mom. Things had to change. The whole system was F-ed from the original intention down to the daily habits, I needed to start anew.
And so I decided my intention would be to be a happy person instead. If I was happy I knew all the other stuff would fall into place, it just had to. It took the focus off my kids and put it on me, this intention asked me to take a look at my triggers as well as look for things that were good AF about my life already.
With a new intention, I set out to change my “process” or the daily habits that kept me stuck in resentment and yelling because Damn It! my kids were a reflection of my success and things were not going well.
Spoiler Alert: I made it out of the Bad Mom cycle - and I have added habits along the way that only serve to solidify my happiness, I got rid of my Mom Guilt, and I became a better partner and mother along the way. Listed below are the steps I took — over three years mind you!
I hope that in time you too can take these steps and find a new collection of daily activities that help you to rise each morning feeling good AF and not like a failure because you no longer subscribe to the unreachable goal of Parent of the Year.
The new system:
Commit to daily gratitude. Take what can sometimes be a fleeting emotion, and teach your brain to embrace a more permanent state of grateful living.
The process:
Each step is anchored in a new skill (in parenthesis) that will help you to achieve each step over time.
For science-based activities and more on each skill join my 12-week free email series - and you will be guided through one skill a week.
Wake up a bit earlier, nothing crazy, just like 5 minutes earlier. (Courage)
Write down 10 things you are grateful for - this trains your brain away from the negativity bias. (Gratitude)
Remind yourself your children don’t know your past traumas or the emotional burdens you may carry. (Equanimity)
Then remind yourself that they are new to this planet. (Empathy)
Go through your day and observe your children with the same awe and wonder they observe the world. (Joy and Delight)
Start saying out loud the nice things that are already in your head. (Affirmations)
Begin noticing when you’re upset and what your expectations were at that moment. (Mindfulness)
Before you go to bed, go into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. (Compassion)
Mentally list 3 things you're grateful for as you get into bed. (Courage)
Remind yourself of one thing that went well during the day. (Self Reflection)
Are you ready to set a new intention? If you are go ahead and do it now because that’s the easy part. Then you need the courage to change one daily habit, to commit to the compound effect of daily gratitude, and then watch over the coming year as your self-doubt, isolation, and shame dissapaer. And don’t forget - you are already a #GoodAFMom - Stef