Don't become a "Parenting Expert" like me.
Me 10 years ago:
To be a better parent I need to read every book ever made.
Me now:
That was a waste of time.
LOL 😂…In all seriousness though, because of my devouring of parenting books and child developmental theory, I gathered an immense amount of empathy for my children and the phases they were going through. But my obsession also had an enormous negative effect on my self-worth, putting me into a constant state of feeling unworthy. Especially when the tips and tricks did not work!
When I stopped trying to be a “better parent” and turned the empathy and curiosity onto myself I discovered I had a lot of work to do. And as soon as I got started, my parenting naturally began to shift and change toward the better.
Of course, you are now wondering - well wow, how did that happen?
“…rarely do we see wounds that are in the process of healing. I’m not sure if it’s because we feel too much shame to let anyone see a process as intimate as overcoming hurt, or if it’s because even when we muster the courage to share our still-incomplete healing, people reflexively look away.” - Brené Brown, Rising Strong.
As Brené Brown says, I think we all suffer when we skip over the process of healing: both as we watch others grapple with their suffering and also with our own journey. Wounds do inevitably heal of course but the writers, influencers, experts, and armchair quarterbacks all skip over that healing process when they talk about where they have been and where they are now.
They are healed - you should try what they did because it worked!
Well, I am not healed. My wounds are still fresh and each time I sit down to write it’s because I need help growing the scar tissue so necessary to move on. Each day I sit down to do the work I uncover a new trauma and that scares me because it keeps happening - new wounds open as the old ones sit waiting to be healed.
In those fresh moments, I shy away from meditation as the dam of tears inside my heart threatens to overflow causing me more pain than good - then three weeks go by and I am left reeling in regret. Why do I feel so much frustration and anger towards my kids! Well, my trauma and my open wounds are back running the show.
I know that over the past few years of doing gratitude research and committing to the practices of self-care and compassion I have grown - my wounds are not fresh. I also know how to bandage them and wait for the body to do its magic - but it can’t do it on its own, I have to help it along. I have to show up. I have to look at myself and my inner dialogue, I have to keep my Inner Critic at bay and notice when I am triggered. I must journal and find things I am grateful for because it’s my only road towards healing.
And now I live each day in what Brené Brown calls “the Rumble”: those moments after you are triggered and you have a knee-jerk reaction to something. But also right after you notice what you just did (which in itself takes years of mindfulness practice).
Like me, you can learn to notice your reactions and get comfortable with not knowing the answers. I know from all my work so far that the best thing I can do was to honor my effort — that deep down in my subconscious I am already cheering myself on.
I have so many open wounds. My inner struggle with being a perfect parent is just one of them.
I don’t think we grab a bandaid right now. Let’s just not sugar coat the struggle, or fast forward over it to “all better”. Living with grace is accepting there will be open wounds AND happiness and delight.
I am living my best life — the best I have ever had to be honest. I have healed through a committed practice of gratitude and mindfulness but there are plenty of things that I am still in the thick of - that are not better and may never be. Living an authentic life is just that - making sure to acknowledge it all.
Is your intention to be “better” or just plain happy? I chose happy myself!