Gratitude: The Parenting Superpower You Already Have

Parenting is stressful–yeah I’ve heard that. But here’s the thing— I believe that parenting is also a source of strength, resilience, love and connection —and gratitude, a positive emotion we all know and love. And gratitude has never really been applied to one of life’s biggest challenges: raising kids.

Mindfulness? Sure, it’s great. But for most parents, taking a 20-minute meditation break or going on a retreat isn’t exactly practical. What we need is something that works in the chaos, not outside of it. And that’s where gratitude comes in.

Over half of the gratitude parents feel in their lives (58%) is directly linked to their role as a parent.

• Gratitude builds resilience
• Gratitude creates meaning
• Gratitude enhances self-worth

Parenting is one of the most demanding roles of a lifetime, yet it’s rarely talked about in a way that highlights it’s benefits. Too often, the narrative is about what we’re doing wrong (either not doing enough, or doing too much.) But what if we decided to shift that narrative?

As a gratitude researcher, I’ve spent the past few years studying how gratitude intersects with parenting—and the results might surprise you. My findings show that over half of the gratitude parents feel in their lives (58%) is directly linked to their role as a parent. 

In fact, 72% of parents I talked to used gratitude as a tool during tough times, helping them navigate challenges with greater resilience and meaning.

Gratitude isn’t just a ‘nice to try’—it’s a powerful, science-backed tool for improving your well-being and transforming how you experience parenting.

What Gratitude Does for Parents

1. Gratitude Builds Resilience

Parenting is full of stress—64% of parents report high levels of stress according to the U.S. Surgeon General. But here’s the good news: gratitude may act as a protective factor. My research found that parents who actively practice gratitude reported higher resilience and emotional regulation.

When we notice even small wins, like getting through bedtime without tears or sharing a silly moment with our kids, we reframe challenges as opportunities for growth. Gratitude doesn’t erase the hard parts, but it helps us bounce forward stronger.

2. Gratitude Creates Meaning in the Mess

72% of parents I talked to used gratitude as a tool during tough times.

Parenting often feels like an endless to-do list. But gratitude can turn those everyday moments into something meaningful.

In my research, parents shared that reflecting on gratitude helped them make sense of the chaos, and notice when they got things right amidst the chaos. This meaning-making helped creat a deeper connection to their role. Gratitude allows you to see beyond the torn books and the tantrums and focus on what truly matters: the bond you’re building with your child and the strengths you flex each day as you show up imperfectly for them.

3. Gratitude Enhances Self-Worth

Let’s talk about “Mom Guilt.” Modern parenting culture is riddled with shame and self-criticism, making us feel like we’re never enough. Gratitude changes that.

By focusing on what’s working—like the effort you put in every day—you start to see yourself not as a failure, but as a capable, loving parent. This shift in perspective is vital for building self-worth, a foundation for thriving in parenthood.

Gratitude in Action

How to Start Today:

Gratitude doesn’t require perfection or hours of free time. Here’s how you can begin:

• Daily Gratitude Reflection: Take 2 minutes each day to list 3 things you’re grateful for—big or small. This practice helps train your brain to notice the good.
• Gratitude Pause: When you feel overwhelmed, pause and ask, “What’s one thing going right?” This simple act can shift your mindset in real time.
• Gratitude with Kids: At dinner or bedtime, ask your children to share one thing they’re grateful for. This not only builds connection but teaches them lifelong skills for resilience.

Customize your practice based on your personality, time, whatever makes you, you with more practices here.

The Parental Gratitude Well-Being Framework

In my research, I developed a framework that shows how gratitude interacts with key protective factors like resilience, meaning-making, and self-efficacy. These elements form a virtuous cycle, where gratitude enhances well-being, which in turn strengthens your ability to parent with intention and joy. 

An actionable way to look at this cycle is the PWG© Formula which is: Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results You Can See and Feel.

This isn’t about ignoring the hard parts of parenting. It’s about balancing them with moments of joy and connection. Gratitude reminds us that we are not defined by our struggles but by noticing the tools we already have within us to learn from and rise above them.

Ready to Start?

Parenting isn’t perfect, but it’s full of opportunities to grow, connect, and flourish. When we practice gratitude, we unlock a new way of seeing ourselves, our children, and the journey we’re on together.

Join me in the 90-Day Gratitude Challenge and discover how this simple practice can transform your parenting—and your life. Want to read more about the benefits of Parenting with Gratitude? Click here.

Family Gratitude Ideas: January

Instead of New Year’s Resolutions, I start out each year by making a list of how I want to feel. After all, new year, same me–not new me–and I love myself exactly how I am. I have felt things in the past that maybe I want to feel again and more of! But this time I will use the power of purpose and intention to make them come to life and savor them when they are here.

This year I want to feel:

• the freedom to let go
• socially supported
• unlimited
• ready, capable and equipped
• creative, inspired and writerly.

So first up on the family list of gratitude ideas for the month of January is:

1. How do you want to feel this year?

   For kids this prompt may look a bit different than for you. Since emotional intellegence is a skill we can all learn from a young age, but the vocabulary of emotions is something that our generations werent necessarily taught using a feelings wheel here would be super helpful. Here’s one especially made for kids of different ages that features drawings of the emotions as well as the corresponding word.

   1. For toddlers you may ask - Whats your favorite way to feel? How much do you want to feel that? All the time? Sometimes?

   2. For elementary school aged kids you can have them associate a feeling word with each month. Then on the 1st check in and ask them in what ways they will make it happen each month.

   3. And for older kids they can choose a few different ways they want to feel for the year and write them down on a note card they can post in their room - or write on a paper calendar they may have or put them in their phone on the first of each month.

2. The Grateful Home Game

Visit one room at a time within your home, (even the bathrooms!) and see if you can make a list of all the things you are grateful for in that room. Which room ends up having the longest list? In which room do you find things that surprise you? Does your dog follow you from room to room - listing them in each room counts in my book! :)

Whether it’s the rainy season or the full on chill of winter, when we can’t go outside due to weather, it’s naturally harder to find things to be grateful for. So this game can help bring a fresh look at the spaces you inhabit on a daily basis, and it will make you feel pretty good about yourself too. I bet some of the things your kids may be grateful for like the warm water or bubbles in the tub are there because of your hard work and effort to add a bit of magic to their lives.

3. Books to read that will inspire gratitude, delight and awe:

1. Miss Rumphius by Barbara Cooney

   If I could list this book every month, I would. Its one of my favorites of all time. The story follows the life of Miss Rumphius, from little girl to eldery woman. Inspired by her grandfather's advice to make the world more beautiful, she travels the globe in search of adventure and eventually fulfills her dream by planting lupines across the countryside. This inspiring story blends themes of wanderlust, purpose, and legacy - literally showing how planting seeds of different sorts from travel to flowers can have an enormous effect on the world around us. A true “we make ripples in the world” book.

2. The Little House by Virginia Lee Burton

   The Little House built with care in the countryside, witnesses the changing seasons and the growth of a bustling city around it, longing for the simplicity of its earlier days. The house embodies gratitude for the quiet joys of the countryside and the sense of belonging in a cherished home. As the story unfolds, it contrasts the bustling, impersonal growth of the city with the enduring value of the simple, serene life the house originally knew. The resolution reminds readers to value and be grateful for the foundational, often overlooked aspects of life that bring true contentment. The simple things.

3. Of Thee I sing by Barack Obama

   In Of Thee I Sing, Barack Obama writes a heartfelt letter to his daughters, celebrating the traits of historical figures who embody the values of bravery, creativity, and compassion. Each page honors a trailblazer—from Georgia O’Keeffe to Martin Luther King Jr.—while encouraging readers to look for these qualities within themselves. The book invites reflection on the legacy of those who came before us and gratitude for the strengths and potential we all hold to make a difference in the world. It’s a beautiful reminder to appreciate not only what others have achieved but also the unique gifts we bring to our communities and homes.

Interested in more Family Gratitude Ideas? How about 365+? Check out the Gratitude Calendar archive here! - Stef

Family Gratitude Ideas: December

As the holiday spirit fills our homes, it's easy to overlook the incredible thoughtfulness and effort we already put into creating magical moments for our kids. The holidays are a perfect opportunity to not only celebrate those strengths but also to add rituals that nurture family connection and cultivate gratitude. This December, give a few new family rituals a try, each designed to foster connection and appreciation. From delightful holiday feasts with fun conversation starters to post-holiday traditions that extend the joy well into the new year, these activities promise to infuse your family's December with warmth, gratitude, and a touch of festive magic.

December 21st:

A Parents Day of Rest

The holidays often center on creating joy for our kids, and as parents, we show up for that with love and care. But it’s just as important to honor the traditions and moments that fill our own cups. That’s why I created the Parents Day of Rest where I focus on my favorite things to do. No kids holiday music or movies - just Nat King Cole and White Christmas. I may even cook a batch of cookies that have things in them that only I like! Take the day - and share your fun using #parentsdayofrest on Instagram.

Holiday mEALS:

Conversation Starters

Try Table Topics Gratitude to start some really fun holiday conversations focused around what we have and not what we will receive. Gratitude conversations are a wonderful way to help your family notice the joy you’re already creating. As you share what you’re thankful for, you’ll likely uncover the small, meaningful ways you’re already enriching each other’s lives.

All winter long:

Gratitude Snowstorm

This is a crowd favorite in my house. Do your kids love to cut snowflakes out of paper? Every time they make a snowflake encourage them write a piece of gratitude on it. Then place a string across a room and hang the snowflakes from it at varying heights. Then watch the indoor snowstorm grow throughout the winter season! (Looks really pretty too!)

After The Holidays:

A Year of Gratitude

Each family member reflects on the past year and makes a list of moments they’re grateful for—big or small—that highlight the unique ways you’ve all contributed to a meaningful year together and places it in their empty stocking or the holiday decoration box before it all gets packed away. Read them all together when the decorations come out again next year.

Sincere Thanks - Explain to your little ones that this year they will be writing Thank You notes to family and friends who send them gifts. Disclosing this upfront will hopefully help them notice when opening gifts, so that the thankfulness they share is sincere. If they don’t have any genuine gratitude (maybe because the gift was something they already had, etc) I encourage my kids to think of the person wrapping it and taking time out of their day for them finding something within the act itself to be grateful for. Gratitude isn’t about perfection; it’s about noticing the care that others show us in their own ways.

During Winter Break:

Friend Appreciation

Have your children make a list of friends who were there for them this past year. Suggest they send them a drawing or a printed photo showcasing a fun activity they did together or a letter via snail mail. (Older kids won’t want to do this part, but making the list alone will remind them of the social support they have and can lean on for the rest of the school year.)

Gratitude is already woven into so many parts of your family’s life—sometimes we just need a little reminder to see it. Looking for more ideas? Check out November’s post, filled with even more ways to celebrate the strengths that make your family uniquely yours.

What to Read Next…

Hope as Your Anchor: Navigating Modern Parenthood with Optimism

Let’s get real for a moment about this wild ride called parenting. It is an ever-changing, sometimes overwhelming job, where the rules seem to be constantly rewritten. That's where Pragmatic Hope comes in - it’s not just hope that is a pipe dream, or pretending everything's peachy. It's about finding strength in the real, the messy, the everyday chaos of parenting our little ones and being deliberate in our plans.

I’ve navigated the ups and downs of parenting young children for over two decades. The days are long, the nights can feel endless, and those early mornings... well, they come way too soon. Choosing hope over helplessness is a decision we have to make every. single. day. because the realities of parenting are overwhelming. We can give up or we can choose to look towards the future.

Of course the future may need a bit of a refreshed perspective: Instead of striving for the elusive 'perfect parent' status, why not aim for something more realistic and kind to yourself? Harnessing pragmatic hope helps us to set achievable goals and find joy in the little victories, all while being gentle with our progress. As Rumi wisely said, "Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder."

Now, let’s sprinkle some of this hope into our daily routines with three simple, gratitude-filled exercises:

1. Kick-Start Your Day:

Before the day sweeps you off your feet, jot down three things you’re thankful for having in your life. It could be as simple as your kiddo's infectious laugh or that much-needed cup of coffee. This will set a positive tone for your day and remind you of the good amidst the whirlwind.

Role of Hope: Starting the day by identifying things to be grateful for is an act of hopeful anticipation. It fosters a mindset that, regardless of the day's challenges, there are always elements of positivity and potential for good. This practice cultivates an optimistic outlook, encouraging you to face the day with a hopeful perspective.

Impact on Parenting: By beginning the day focusing on positive aspects, you are more likely to approach parenting challenges with a hopeful and constructive attitude, expecting positive interactions and outcomes.

2. Pause and Observe:

Amidst the daily hustle, take a moment to just watch your child. Whether it’s during a meal, playtime, or those rare quiet moments. Observe them, breathe in, and silently express gratitude for these precious moments.

Role of Hope: Mindful observation of your child is an exercise in hopeful presence. It is about seeing the potential and beauty in every moment with the child, even in routine or challenging situations. This practice is underpinned by the hope that these moments contribute to the child's growth and the deepening of the parent-child bond.

Impact on Parenting: Engaging in mindful observation helps parents appreciate the journey and maybe even dip into the unique feeling of "parental gratitude”, fostering deep meaning and purpose to one’s day.

3. Reflect and Reset in the Evening:

As the day winds down, think of one parenting challenge you dealt with and see if you can find a positive takeaway. Then, set an intention for the next day, something to help you and your kiddo thrive which is rooted in your hopes and dreams for them.

Role of Hope: Reflecting on the day's challenges and setting intentions for the next day is a practice of hopeful resilience. It’s about acknowledging that while not every day is perfect, there is always the hope and possibility for improvement and growth. Setting positive intentions is an act of looking forward with hope to what can be achieved.

Impact on Parenting: This practice encourages you to not be defined by the day's hassles but to maintain hope for better days. It helps to instill a growth mindset, where challenges are seen as opportunities for learning and betterment.

"Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder." -Rumi

Our kids offer us a daily chance to grow, to embrace our current selves. They allow us to see that there is good even when the world feels frustrating and even a little bit rigged.

Remember, this journey is about practice, not perfection. It’s about setting intentions for our daily lives, and finding gratitude in the everyday.

Do you have an intention? Transform your parenting style into something more fulfilling by giving hope a place in your routines. You've got this. - Stef

What to read next…

Yes, the kids are worse for you - and now there's proof.

@hottomato1029

Youre doing good Mums! ❤️ Research on why kids are most brutal to their mothers…

♬ original sound - hottomato

So, you might have seen a TikTok recently claiming that kids are 800 times worse for their parents. It went viral, but here's the kicker – the so-called "study" it was based on was total fiction, cooked up by Mom News Daily. Still, it resonated with so many of us, and there's a reason why. Kids ARE worse for their parents, especially their mothers. But it's because they feel comfortable, safe, and supported around us. It's kind of like when you're with your best friend. You say and do things you'd never dream of at a cocktail party (unless you're three drinks in, of course!).

This is NOT REAL! But it feels it!

Kids with secure attachments know their parents will love and protect them no matter what - in fact, they rely on this fact for all of their growth. Without this feeling of safety and support, they would never explore their world and take risks. Think about it – it's much easier to try new things at work when you have a kind, supportive boss who won't fire you for making mistakes. Now try that except on overdrive - unconditional love means we are not going anywhere. And if your kid knows that — that’s a win, Mama.

But yes, there's no denying that sometimes being a mom feels like you've drawn the short straw, and it's not just now and then, but all the time. From the moment they wake up to when they go to sleep, it can feel like you're their personal punching bag. When you want one thing done, they are on the floor kicking and screaming. When you pick them up from a playdate, you’re told what an amazing eater they are. When they head out for the day with your partner or your parent, they're all sunshine and rainbows, and they all have “such a great time!”

For me, that last one stings the most. I know that if I were to take the kids to the Discovery Museum or the beach, some of it would be fun, but it would also be a constant tug of war. And when my partner or parents tell me about their amazing outings, it's hard not to feel a little resentment. Thoughts like, "How could you go out and have a good time? Motherhood should be like that for me!" sneak in. But the hard truth is that I'm the mother and those picture-perfect moments I thought I was destined for rarely happen. And there's real grief in that, Mama. I still feel it, even though my kids are almost teens.

And those experiences you thought you were destined for, the cuddly couch moments, the sharing of a picnic on the beach, the laughing together as you push the grocery cart, they die a death that breaks your heart. You thought motherhood would be filled with these moments, and it’s just not. And there is tremendous grief around that Mama. I know, I feel it still. It’s a sort of death, of all the experiences you thought would make motherhood feel worth it.

I think it’s important to talk about this grief because it is what binds us together as a community of moms. It’s the ideal we were fed that we would love motherhood, that it was so full of meaning that the crap that goes with it, the daily slog, the cultural expectations to be a super mom, the unequal distribution of the emotional load — that it would be all “worth it” but it falls short.

And maybe that’s why you are here on my page parentdifferently.com - because you want to find a way to parent differently - to parent with joy, fun, and gratitude because the daily grind just kinda sucks, doesn’t it? Well, I will tell you that there is no magic solution, but I do have a few ideas that will make it suck less. Starting by taking a step back and looking at your life from 8,000 feet up. What are you grateful for? What makes YOU a GoodAF mom? What parts of your life just light you up? What makes you excited to be alive? These are your “whys,” the reasons you get out of bed in the morning - and they matter even if they are a little cheesy. They matter because they are the foundation which you build every single day upon. A good intention will get you far, Mama (and that’s one of the reasons it’s the first step in the Parenting with Gratitude™ equation more here on that).

Long Term Practice to try

Gratitude and Savoring. Once you have your WHY in hand, the next thing you can try is Savoring - and I have a whole podcast on this practice. Whether it's your child's birthday or any special time, focus on your five senses – notice the crinkle of wrapping paper, the joy in their giggle, the smell of cupcakes baking, and the softness of their favorite shirt. Take your time to savor these moments, and they'll grow in your memory.

Something to do this week:

So, I’m not going to leave you high and dry here - It's important to address the sadness and discomfort, but it's also crucial to find immediate relief. For me, this is where a YES Day thrives.

A YES Day is a day when you say yes. A YES Day is a carefully planned and boundary-set day when you say "yes" more than usual. Discuss with your child how it'll look and what rules should be in place. Be prepared, and make it a special day, an oasis of joy and happiness in the midst of everyday life. Then, put your day on the calendar, the anticipation will be palpable! And on that day, be ready to savor the look on your kid’s face when you say yes, the fun things they come up with, and you do together - it will take you through a few more weeks. And maybe you put a yes day on the calendar every month - or once a school break - or just once a year. Whatever you do, it will be special, and I hope you enjoy the moments because a YES Day is really for you.

Don't forget, even when no one else in your house seems to notice, you are a GoodAF mom - Stef

What to read next…

The Myth of a Perfect Motherhood

EMBRACING SELF-GROWTH AND COMMUNITY

Motherhood today is a far cry from the idyllic images painted for us on our Instagram feeds. It's not a serene, monotone journey, but more like a crazy, emotional rollercoaster ride.

We are caught in the highs and lows of paradoxical emotions, battling the ever-looming "mom guilt" and trying to “enjoy every moment.” 🙄 What was once thought of as the epitome of a "good life" has evolved into a stressful mess. Why is this happening!? And how can we make it better?

Let's talk about the realities of modern motherhood, the myth of the maternal instinct, and how embracing self-growth and community could just be our ticket out of this chaos.

THE MYTH OF THE MATERNAL INSTINCT

Once upon a time, motherhood was seen as the ultimate path to happiness for women. It was believed that women possessed a natural maternal instinct that made parenting easy and immensely rewarding. However, today's reality couldn't be further from this ideal. Mothers face a myriad of emotions, from joy and gratitude to sadness and anxiety, all within the first 24 hours of welcoming a new baby into the world. The maternal ideal shatters for most women in those first moments, and they're left to grapple with a range of complex feelings that come up - especially shame.

UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONAL COMPLEXITY

Life is a tapestry of emotions, and many of the emotions we experience can be divided into two categories: positive and negative. Negative emotions like shame, anger, and fear prompt specific survival focused responses, limiting our thoughts and actions to mainly flight, fight or freeze. On the other hand, positive emotions like joy, gratitude, and awe don't trigger immediate action; instead, they broaden our perspective, opening us up to new ideas, concepts, and resources. This phenomenon is known as the "broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions" and was developed by Barbara Fredrickson in 1998.

SO, WHY DO THE FIRST DAYS OF MOTHERHOOD OFTEN FALL SHORT OF EXPECTATIONS?

The answer lies in the clash between personal experience and cultural norms. The cultural narrative of motherhood emphasizes its meaning and importance, but it also sets unattainable standards. Without the weight of cultural expectations, the well-being produced from our mother/child experience would be tremendous. Satisfaction and well-being are subjective, or shaped by individual perspectives, but when our experiences deviate from societal norms, our satisfaction can take a hit.

THE PURSUIT OF THE "GOOD LIFE"

The definition of a "good life" is a subject of debate among researchers and philosophers. Christopher Peterson (2006) argued that the most desirable state involves eudemonic harmony, or a balance between meaning, purpose, growth, and expansion. This balance can be achieved through self-actualization, self-reflection, and the discovery of positive character traits. And once we learn these skills, we aren't selfish; we use them to serve the greater community.

THE CHANGING FACE OF COMMUNITY

However, there's a notable difference between today's communities and those of previous generations: individualism. In the past, when the term "parent" primarily referred to mothers, there was a sense of community support. Neighbors, bus drivers, and extended families all looked out for children. Mothers had a robust network of help. But the rise of individualism has brought both freedom from gender-confining roles AND an increase in loneliness and depression rates (read more about that in Generations by Jean Twenge).

Maternal depression rates have risen, with one in ten children experiencing a depressed mother (Ertel, Rich-Edwards, & Koenen, 2011). A recent Pew Research poll found that 66% of mothers felt that parenting was "a lot harder" than they had anticipated. These factors, coupled other influences, have led to the lowest birth rate in US history.

(Read more about building community through simple gratitude events here.)

THE MYTH OF PARENTING PERFECTION

The message that parenting is "worth it" creates confusion when it doesn’t match reality, and it contributes to the perception that parenting is much harder than expected. By portraying the complete emotional landscape of parenting, we can acknowledge that “meaning” is derived not only from positive experiences but also from the negative ones. It was Peterson who points out that negative experiences act as signals, showing us the areas that need attention: "I'm angry when my kids don't listen because I feel unseen." But positive experiences motivate growth: "Hugging my kids after work calms me and provides the attention I need."

A GOOD LIFE ISN'T ALL GOOD

A good life doesn't have to be all good and there are certainly bad days. In fact, enriching experiences often stem from overcoming challenges. It's the negative experiences, just as much as the positive ones, that make parenting a source of well-being and life satisfaction. They inspire growth and self-reflection. With a shift towards more inclusive messaging and improved social support, future parents can step into the delivery room with a set of expectations that align with the realities they'll face. It's a journey filled with both ups and downs, guided by the compass of self-growth and supported by a caring community.

WHAT NOW?

The pursuit of a "good life" is a deeply personal journey. By acknowledging the diverse emotions that parenting can surface and shifting our societal narrative to one of inclusivity and support, we can navigate the challenges and joys of raising the next generation. It's time to embrace the full spectrum of parenting experiences, recognizing that a "good life" can be derived from both the positive and negative moments. In doing so, we can create a world we feel empowered to grow, learn, and thrive as we navigate the rewarding adventure of raising children.

- And don’t ever forget along that journey, you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

What to read next…

Gratitude Practice: Community Gratitude Events

Becoming a mother is a wild and life-altering experience. As moms, we navigate a whirlwind of emotions, from the overwhelming love for our little ones to the persistent worries about their safety and well-being. One thing we all want is for our children to grow up happy, healthy, and well-adjusted. But as the world changes around us, the way our children play and develop has evolved, often in ways that give us cause for concern.

The Decline of Unstructured Play

Unstructured playtime, where children use their imaginations and creativity to explore the world around them, has been on the decline in recent years (down by 50% in the last half decade!). Factors like fears, anxieties, and societal changes have led to the significant decrease and it has had a negative impact on our children's well-being.

Attachment theory, established by John Bowlby and Harry Harlow in the 1950s, emphasizes the basic needs for safety and exploration for children. It highlights that kids need to feel secure to play and explore the world. Now, to dig a bit deeper into what happened to play…the decline of unstructured play started before the current youth mental health crisis, during the '80s and '90s when kidnapping scares were widely publicized. Access to green spaces and varying crime levels across different socioeconomic groups further contributed to the decline.

As concerns for our children's safety have grown, parents from various economic backgrounds have responded differently. Some have enrolled their children in structured after-school programs, while others have chosen to keep them indoors (often relying on screen-time).

A Holistic Solution through Gratitude

I believe there's a simple solution to this, and it begins with sharing our thankfulness within our community. Practicing gratitude can have a big impact, like reducing our stress as parents, helping our kids become more independent and happier, and creating a safer and more trustworthy neighborhood for everyone.

History has shown that strong communities have a profound impact on individuals. Early research by Emile Durkheim revealed that individuals living alone or in less tight-knit communities had higher suicide rates. Recent studies, such as the work of James H. Fowler and Nicholas A. Christakis, have shown that when we're part of close-knit communities, we tend to be happier and have more vibrant social networks.

The Practice: Community Gratitude Events

Gratitude events that honor support people in our lives like librarians, crossing guards, and bus drivers remind us of how good our community already is. Gratitude can unite a community around a shared purpose, which can extend to advocating for systemic improvements, such as more green spaces and safe places for kids’ independent play.

When we all express gratitude together, it spreads a cultural message of kindness, understanding, and belonging. This makes kids feel safe and more supported by their community and helps them connect with their neighbors, which, in turn, builds the emotional strength they need for playing on their own.

The "Find, Bind, and Remind" Cycle

The cycle of "find, bind, and remind" promoted by gratitude also allows children to discover positive qualities in their playmates (finding), develop empathy (binding), and encourages them to spend more time together (reminding). Kids in the neighborhood form strong bonds, and that brings families closer as parents get to know each other through their children.

We all face safety issues and laws that make it challenging to give our children the freedom to explore as we once had. But collective bonding within a community is essential for enabling independent play to thrive. And while a neighborhood BBQ can serve as a community reminder, gratitude serves as a community binder. After all, when you know your neighbors are kind, caring and generous people, trust is built, and you are more likely to let your kids play on the sidewalk or walk to school or ride their bikes.

Give it a try

Give a gratitude event a try in your neighborhood and share your experiences with me! It can be as easy as hosting a little get-together in your garage, signing thank-you cards, and swapping stories while the kids draw with sidewalk chalk. It just amazing how by organizing a simple gratitude event that celebrate how connected our communities are, we can encourage independent play, too! Gratitude helps us build strong connections, no matter our background. So, embrace gratitude and strengthen your community bonds and you can ensure your kids grow up in a loving connected environment filled with independent play.

As moms we have the power to make a positive change in our communities and our kids' future. And despite what we have heard, it's not all bad out there! We can foster gratitude and work together to make sure our kids grow up in a world that treasures unstructured play, exploration, and the joy of making connections with others. And don’t you ever forget - you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

If you are ready for more community - join the monthly Gratitude Circle for moms.

Other Parenting with Gratitude™ Practices to try…

#MomLife Unfiltered: 5 Essential Ways to Keep It Real

“Gratitude serves as a foundation for nurturing connections with other parents and broadening our perspective. It empowers us to embrace our parenting mishaps as integral parts of our journeys, ensuring they do not overshadow our achievements.”

Have you ever found yourself scrolling social, comparing your parenting journey to those seemingly perfect families online? Or perhaps you've tried a 'quick and easy' toddler activity only to find it took hours to set up?

You're not alone. As mothers, we often wrestle with the pressure of high expectations, whether it's the quest for the perfect family photo or the desire for our little ones to embrace every meal we prepare. Just as Shakespeare once said, 'Expectations are the root of heartache.' These unattainable standards can affect how we view our success, self-worth, and even our daily interactions with our children — and they have a lot to do with just how loud our Mom Guilt can get.

The pursuit of high expectations and the desire for life to be a “certain way” are not new, and neither are their resulting negative consequences. They can lead to apathy, stress, and anxiety. These “high standards” can impose rules on our lives that feel so solid and unbreakable—until you start to notice they don’t have to be.

Here are five ways you can adjust your worldview and ground your expectations. Grounded expectations are not about letting things go or even going with the flow; instead, they are rooted in curiosity. What will happen when I try this new baby sleep routine? Or when I substitute sweet potatoes for carrots in this toddler meal? They allow room for growth through experience - and yes, even for mistakes.

Let’s get grounded:

1. Self-Awareness

Take the time to learn more about yourself as a parent. Explore your strengths and areas where you might need support. For example, you might discover that your patience and creativity make you excellent at finding fun toddler activities. Alternatively, you may realize that you thrive in a more flexible daily routine, and that's okay too. We are all unique parents, and what brings happiness and fulfillment can vary greatly from one parent to another. Getting to know yourself better is the first step in making parenting choices that align with your true desires and your child's needs.

2. Social Connection

Seek social connection and support from other parents. It's that reassuring feeling of 'Oh, it's not just me,' like when you discover that the struggles of motherhood are common to us all. This expanded viewpoint helps to balance and validate our personal experiences in realistic ways. For example, when you connect with other moms who have had success introducing toothbrushing, you can gain valuable insights that may help your personal toddler struggle. Through social support, you can establish parenting expectations grounded in real information (It took 6 months!), ultimately offering a more balanced approach to setting expectations for your family's future.

3. Practice Gratitude

Practicing gratitude is a valuable skill, and yes, it can be challenging in a world driven by constant comparison. But it is an essential component of grounded expectations in the world of parenting. Gratitude serves as a foundation for nurturing connections with other parents and broadening our perspective. It empowers us to embrace our parenting mishaps as integral parts of our journeys, ensuring they do not overshadow our achievements. This website is a treasure trove of gratitude ideas - jump in!

4. Cultivate Optimism

This is not about being happy all the time; it's about nurturing the inherent goodness in our parenting journey. Martin Seligman, often regarded as the father of positive psychology, encourages us to view our inner dialogue as a simple way to cultivate optimism as a parent. He emphasizes that 'changing the destructive things you say to yourself when you experience the setbacks that life deals all of us is the central skill of optimism.’

5. Practice Mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness, which involves noticing without judgment, is essential for avoiding getting too wrapped up in what 'could have been.' Overcoming our natural thought patterns takes practice. Mindfulness can take the form of a quick breathing exercise or simply taking a moment to be present with your little one. The key is to leave all judgment on the sidelines.

Remember, in the messy journey of motherhood, embracing your authentic self and grounding your expectations can lead to a more joyful and fulfilling parenting experience for both you and your little ones. After all good enough is GoodAF in my book - Stef

What to read next…

World Gratitude Day: Family Activites

Who will you thank this year on World Gratitude Day?

We can reserve each September as a time to share appreciation and thanks since World Gratitude Day happens every year!

This is great because we need a yearly reminder to thank all the people who support us, from caregivers to UPS drivers - instead of the more hectic, holiday-focused November Thanksgiving.

Take the time to offer your gratitude in the form of eye contact, a friendly thank you and well wishes, or a letter from the family for someone extra special.

Here are a few kid-approved ideas for adding gratitude to your September dinner table as well.

And don’t forget, you are a GoodAF Mom — Stef

A Letter to the Lonely Mom

To the mom who feels alone:

Hey Mama,

I hope this letter finds you surrounded by people you love (though I understand that motherhood can sometimes leave us feeling isolated and disengaged even when children are all around.)

I wanted to remind you that you deserve Joy. I know that joy can seem like the farthest thing from your grasp when your world feels heavy and you're tired as F$%& ALL the time. Like it's hiding beneath a mountain of diapers, sleepless nights, and endless tasks of motherhood, trust me. I get it. But here's the thing: Joy doesn't have to be an extra or a luxury reserved for a distant future. It can be right here, right now, within your reach. And that's exactly why I wrote this letter.

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First and foremost, it's okay to feel overwhelmed, burned out, and alone. Motherhood is a journey filled with ups and downs, and it's natural to have moments of doubt or isolation, not to mention society has high expectations of us. But please remember, you are doing an incredible job, and you are a GoodAF Mom.

Now, let's talk about connection as a source for Joy.

Building connections with fellow moms can be a game-changer. When all the tasks of motherhood take up your time, the joy found in friendship may feel like an extra. Seek out local mom groups, parenting classes, or online communities where you can also meet other moms in the grips of chaos. Share your stories, ask for advice, and be open to offering support to others. Sometimes, all it takes is one genuine connection to boost your mood and remind you that you are not alone on this journey.

Sharing our common humanity is a powerful tool that many of us overlook.

Of course, in addition to seeking connections, I encourage you to explore the power of gratitude. Gratitude can act as a nightlight that guides us through our darker moments, legos on the floor and all. Take a few moments each day to reflect on the things you are grateful for. They can be moments of joy in connection, acts of kindness from others, or even the strength you find within yourself. Cultivating gratitude helps shift our perspective and allows us to find beauty in the everyday moments of motherhood.

Maybe you could start a gratitude journal (or find a daily gratitude practice that works for you) where you can reflect on the things you are thankful for each day. This practice helps you focus on the positive aspects of your life and can help you remember what you have and do is enough, no matter how challenging things may seem.

You choose your village.

Remember, it's okay to ask for help. Reach out to friends, family, or professionals who can provide support and lend a listening ear. You deserve a support system that understands and empathizes with what you're going through. Don't hesitate to lean on them during moments when you need a little extra support.

Choose Yourself First

And lastly, be gentle with yourself. Motherhood is filled with constant learning, growth, and love. Embrace the beautiful chaos as much as you can, and know that you are enough and enough is GoodAF. You are never a failure in your children's eyes, and your love and presence make a world of difference.

Sending you strength, love, and the assurance that you are never alone. Together, we can find our people, cultivate gratitude, and navigate the joys and challenges of motherhood.

Don’t ever forget you are a GoodAF Mom - Stef

Controlled by Mom Guilt

The Overwhelming Weight of Mom Guilt

Mom Guilt takes control of our thoughts and emotions, making us feel like we can never measure up as mothers. It fills us with self-doubt, comparisons, and an unending cycle of questioning our every decision. But what if there was a way to break free from the suffocating grip of Mom Guilt? I’m going to share how a gratitude practice can help you regain control over your inner dialogue, shift your perspectives, and enjoy motherhood's imperfect journey—because that’s what it did for me.

the True Effects of Mom Guilt

Mom Guilt manifests in various ways, leaving us feeling inadequate, overwhelmed, and constantly striving for unattainable perfection. It tricks us into believing that we can never get it right, that we're failing our kids, and that parenting is an unwinnable battle. The constant inner dialogue of what we could have done differently haunts our alone time, while other moms' seeming happiness and success add to our guilt.

Navigating Society's Expectations: The Battle Against Mom Guilt

Society's unfair expectations, lack of social support, partners who don't fully understand the demands of parenting, and family members' selective memories of their own experiences all contribute to the overwhelming burden of Mom Guilt.

Add to that, the pervasive nature of social media and influencer culture fuels our comparisons and self-doubt, making our guilt and feelings of inadequacy louder.

Moments that Trigger Mom Guilt: Learning from Mistakes

Mom Guilt strikes during moments of frustration, mistakes, and when we just don’t feel good enough. Whether it's losing our temper, trying a new parenting trick that doesn't work, observing other kids' different behaviors, or simply feeling too exhausted to meet every demand, Mom Guilt sneaks in, intensifying our negative emotions. Have you ever fantasized about getting sick solely for the sake of a break? Yeah, me too, which further fueled my guilt.

The Burden of Mom Guilt: Untangling Guilt and Shame

Carrying the weight of Mom Guilt wears us down. It messes with our emotional well-being. Guilt and shame become entangled, causing us to constantly second-guess ourselves and our behavior. We’re super hard on ourselves, we lose perspective and forget self-compassion!

Bedtime becomes a time of reflection filled with a highlight real of negative thoughts, which let’s face it, we actively avoid by scrolling on our phones or turning to coping mechanisms like drinking or online shopping (been there.)

From Guilt to Gratitude: Transforming your Motherhood

Embracing gratitude is the key to regaining control over our thoughts and freeing ourselves from the rumination of Mom Guilt. When we practice gratitude, our perspective widens, allowing us to see beyond our mistakes and focus on the good in our lives. It helps us appreciate the help and love we receive from other people, recognizing they matter to our lives. We can find moments of joy and contentment by slowing down and choosing our mindset, even when things don't go perfectly. Gratitude reminds us that this all is a precious gift, and even our imperfect parenting is worthy of appreciation.

Reclaiming Control: Practicing Gratitude for Mom Well-Being

We can overcome Mom Guilt and embrace gratitude with a few practical ideas! Instead of striving for perfection, we can adopt a mantra that embraces motherhood as a learning process: "I'm new at this. I don't have to be perfect to be a good mom."

Practicing gratitude one day a week or writing a thank you letter to ourselves each month can help us cultivate a deeper sense of appreciation and self-love. And we can incorporate self-compassion practices into our day - maybe at bedtime? This will allow us to offer kindness and understanding to ourselves.

If you are looking for a gratitude practice that feels just right for you, try my 10-week “How To” email series, where you will be introduced to a new practice each week. And never forget you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

p.s. It never hurts to be mindful of our coping mechanisms and try to actively replace negative habits with positive ones, such as unfollowing accounts of people who run us the wrong way or make us feel that familiar ugh I want my life to be like that feeling or drinking a bubbly water before our glass of wine, or saving our scrolling for nap time and read before bed instead. If you want to work on these and more I would suggest the book Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg.

Cracking the Gratitude Code: A No-BS Guide for Type-A Moms

The Gratitude Paradox

Are you tired of starting something new, like a gratitude practice, but never sticking with it? OK, whether you identify as a Type A Mom or not, this blog post is for you. So, you've decided to jump on the gratitude train. You grabbed a cute journal, had one good day of using it, and then life happened. Sound familiar? Don't worry because today, we are tackling the wild world of motivation.

Motivation: The Real Deal

“There are really three key questions in terms of the intrinsic values in how we go about the process of going about accomplishing things.

One - Do we make efforts, sincere efforts along the way? Do we wake up, do we do a good day's worth of work, or are we kind of slackers, procrastinators, and we just don't work very hard at it? Do you make real efforts?

Second - Do you bring your whole heart to it? Are you good-hearted about it? Are you trying to make something better rather than worse? Do you come from love deep down inside or something close to it? Good-heartedness.

And third - Do you learn along the way? Do you have a learning curve? Do you grow from your mistakes? Do you grow from your successes?”

- Dr. Rick Hanson from the Being Well podcast

When it comes to motivation, there are two types: intrinsic and extrinsic.

Intrinsic motivation is all about your own deep desires and beliefs. You know, that fire 🔥 in your belly that gets you going. On the other hand, extrinsic motivation is the stuff that comes from outside—rewards, praise, cultural expectations, your mom on the phone 😂. As your friendly gratitude-whisperer, I'm here to help with the paradox of wanting to start but losing your motivation. And the first way to do this is to check and make sure it's your fire in YOUR belly, not mine or your mom’s or some cookie-cutter version of “wellness” that brings you to the practice of thankfulness and appreciation.

Unveiling the Gratitude Equation

On this blog, I talk a lot about unlocking the power of a daily gratitude practice. I’ve seen the magic, it can work, and I want to offer you a bunch of ways to try it out — so that you can make it a habit too. But here's the deal: I can’t preach at you or tell you what you "should" do. You gotta want this for yourself and believe you are good enough to make the investment in. If you believe that you are truly GoodAF, taking the next steps will be much easier, especially if they don’t go the way you planned.

And that uncertainty is why I offer you an equation you can customize for this new method: The Parenting with Gratitude™ Equation: Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

Closing the Gap: Intention vs. Action

Let's address another elephant in the room—the Intention-Action Gap. This is where our well-intentioned plans (hopefully intrinsically motivated) collide with reality, and boy, can it be a bumpy ride. So, you've got all the right motivations and intentions…but following through? 😬 That’s where we can get lost. Trust me, there's a mountain of books on how to learn a new habit. We're gonna revamp your gratitude game and close the Intention Action Gap simply by reminding ourselves what gratitude in action feels like.

Dusting Off the Gratitude Archives

Get ready to dig deep into the vault. It's time to resurrect those old gratitude lists and reminisce about the good ol' days. Whether you've filled ten journals or scribbled a couple of entries in the past three months, it doesn't matter. We're gonna make it work. And here's a secret—I don't remember half the stuff I've written either. It's like uncovering buried treasure, I tell ya! Once you have your old journals or maybe a gratitude letter you never sent in hand, we are ready.

Reignite the Spark: Reflecting on Past Gratitude

Grab a pen and paper, mama. We're diving into some serious—but simple—reflection here. Take five minutes to soak in those words you wrote. Remember our savoring practice? Use it like a pro. Write down why you're doing this gratitude thing for yourself. How do you feel when you read your old appreciation? Get descriptive, get cheesy, and get real. And while you're at it, picture that GoodAF mom staring back at you from the pages.

Building Your Bridge to Consistency

Alright, now we're cooking. Now use the equation and fill it in. With your intentions, attention, and all those feelings in mind, you're ready to bridge that Intention-Action Gap. You've got the potential for gratitude brewing inside you, and it's time to find the practice that fits your current mom chapter. Head over to the Practice Hub here (or tap that hamburger icon on your phone), and explore your next steps. -Stef

Parenting Differently: Choosing a Grateful Life

As we grow older, certain things become important in our lives - fulfilling even. Personally, that involves noticing my inner goodness and helping other parents go from surviving to thriving. I believe that happiness comes from within and helping others at the same time. I also believe that positive emotions can impact our emotional well-being and physical health, and gratitude is the gateway to so much more in life.

The Benefits of Gratitude for Parents

That’s why I encourage everyone to start some sort of daily gratitude practice. Because it’s a simple way to rewire our brains away from their strong focus on the negative — and my Parenting with Gratitude™ equation can help. Relying on the results of years of research in behavioral psychology and positive psychology, we can become attuned to our GoodAF Mom intention and how we will achieve it. The equation acts as a road map and it helps you to customize your inner work and make it achievable for what you want out of life.

It’s time to shift our intention from becoming the perfect parent and start becoming our very own best friend instead.

I am imperfect, and I have my own baggage that travels wherever I go. However, I’ve learned that my baggage helps me help others. And even though they can’t know my past my children are still my most valuable teachers. As a caregiver, when I had my own children, things went haywire for me emotionally, and I had many “enough is enough” moments where I didn’t know what to do next. I learned everything about children and their development so I could bring empathy and understanding to my parenting, which was lacking. While I learned a lot from books and professional experience, I couldn’t improve my experience at home with my kids. I grew up with a mother who was a teacher, and my experience was “praised in the classroom, crazed in the family home.” It’s hard to escape the fact that we are all a product of our childhoods, one way or another.

Parent Differently with Gratitude

However, I don’t believe parenting differently is simply doing the opposite or the same as our parents. That’s still reacting. We can choose to do things differently, and my Parenting with Gratitude™ equation can help. Gratitude is the gateway to so much more in life, and it’s time to rewire our brains. It’s about acknowledging what’s inside us, our true goodness. It’s about noticing the good all around us, the things we do that are kind and loving as parents and partners, and all the people who love and support us.

Let’s customize our inner work and make it achievable. It’s about what you want out of life. It’s time to shift our intention from becoming the perfect parent to becoming our very own best friend.

What to read next:

How to Start Parenting with Gratitude™

So you are wondering if this gratitude thing will work for you.

Parents have been told to “be grateful” enough times by now. So you must be asking yourself — why do you have a blog that focuses on this?

Well, my goal is not to tell you to be grateful but to teach you how to look within and discover your own motivations. The ones that drove you to find my website, and the ones that drive your desire for more to life than festering in Mom Guilt. Maybe you are ready to stop skipping over the good on your way to the bad.

Those motivations are the ingredients of an intention. However, an intention is not quite enough to change our behavior so that we can reach our goals. We need to adjust our mindset, notice our habits, find new ways of doing things then repeat it all.

According to Dr. Laurie Santos, cognitive scientist and host of The Happiness Lab, the phrase “Knowing is half the battle” is actually dead wrong. We can’t just learn that gratitude will make us happier or that self-reflection is the simplest form of self-care. We must do it repeatedly, change our conditioned ways, and have commitment devices to support us.

When you need a new parenting plan

I have been at this for a while. I am not only a former professional nanny with two decades of experience but also a mom and a gratitude nerd. Once I determined that my own intention was to become a happier human (after saying F-U to trying to be perfect), I began to study the aspects of positive psychology that supported my self-inquiry. And along the way, I developed a method that I called Parenting with Gratitude™ and with it an equation that helps any mom try it on for size.

This method acts as a commitment device. Dr. Santos referenced it. Behavioral scientists define a commitment device is a strategy that engages self-regulation and accountability. It’s a formula to make our goals achievable and customized just for us.

The Parenting with Gratitude™ Equation

Ok, so here’s my Parenting with Gratitude™ equation:

INTENTION + ATTENTION + ACTION + REPETITION = RESULTS YOU CAN SEE AND FEEL.

Now you can watch the short video about the steps or read more about each one below. If you want to take it slow, sign up for my 10-week email series. It’s free and goes through each level of the method with an action you can try.

The Importance of Intention

How motivated are you to change? Well, there's intrinsic motivation which is determined by your own desires and beliefs, and extrinsic motivation, inspired by external expectations, rewards, and praise. 

It’s important to point this out, being in my position. I am the one who may be extrinsically motivating you, which is not my intention but also a consequence of my position. I’m the one who wants to share a new way to tackle an old problem – that parenting feels like a neverending assault on your psyche.

Defining your intention is important to finding your intrinsic motivation. You can ask yourself: What do I want out of motherhood? Or What do I want out of the next 10 years? Another awesome writer on gratitude, Alex Elle, says to ask yourself this question: I am healing because I need/want/… or I am healing because I love/I choose…. etc.

Five years ago, when I looked, my intention was to be a perfect mom. That wasn’t working out so well, so at first, I lessened that to becoming a “better” parent — and then a few years later, my intention became “I intend to be a happy human and to be kind,” and five years later that one is still stuck.

If you aren’t sure, let’s start by saying that you are not a “Bad Mom” just because you make mistakes. We are GoodAF Moms who can learn from our mistakes. And so you’re intention could be to be a mom who makes mistakes - to be an imperfect parent. Find an intention statement that works for you, and allow it to grow and shape over time.

Directing Attention inward

OK, I could spend an entire article talking about paying attention to ourselves, and I have. Here I will say that this piece of the equation is vital for one big reason — if you aren’t paying attention to yourself and how you think, feel, and behave, you will miss out on your most valuable asset: your inner goodness. You are worthy of this path — you are a GoodAF Mom. I can tell you that, but it won’t matter until you believe it yourself.

Our attention piece is a way to include noticing or mindfulness in our journey. This is not a fixing quest but a deliberate turning of our attention. From the demands and world literally crying out for us to our inner lives. Our inner world of goodness already exists. You are already a GoodAF mom. No, you are. I know you are because you are concerned and willing to fix yourself to improve this whole thing, motherhood. Except you don’t need fixing, you need self-love and attention, Mama, and you’ve got you.

Taking Action with Gratitude

The practice of gratitude can be as simple as making a list each day, but if that worked for everybody, we would all be making lists. I know from talking to hundreds of moms that each chapter of motherhood is different. We have moments to catch our breath or moments where we can’t. And then there are our learning styles, everyone learns differently, and gratefulness is a learned skill. So the action part of the Parenting with Gratitude™ equation may shift and change over time depending on time constraints and your interest level.

The practices I suggest on this blog are located in the Practice Hub, and they include a mixture of solo practices and some that you can even try with your kids. I never suggest practices you can’t add to your life or feel like a major time suck. You can read about them in blog form, listen to the practices in an audio series, or sign up for one practice to be sent to your email weekly.

The practice of gratitude compounds over time. The more you look, the more things you will find to be grateful for. And so taking daily action is key to this new plan - more on that below.

“Gratitude is fertilizer for the mind, spreading connections and improving its function in nearly every realm of experience.”
― Robert Emmons Ph.D, The Little Book of Gratitude

The Power of ReptiTion

We are asking our brains to create new neural pathways (thankfully reinforced by the release of dopamine and serotonin that gratitude induces). However, still, it takes a lot of work to train a developed brain, and it takes finding an action you can easily repeat. Because without repetition, you get benefits, but they don’t last.

It’s like working out: If you want results, you need to stick with it. You aren’t going to improve your heart health with a week of gym workouts - it’s more likely that an overall lifestyle change of consistent exercise, healthy eating, more water, and fewer determinantal choices will make the difference. It’s the same with gratitude.

I’ll be honest, researchers are mixed on whether you should practice gratitude daily or weekly. The main reason I stand by a daily practice as the most impactful way to practice gratitude for parents is that the real secret is…I know you're not going to do it every day. Catastrophes happen every other day if you have kids — and the gratitude practice will be the first thing to go. I know it because it happens to me too. However, I practice five days a week these days, and that feels like enough. You will find what works for you.

“We can accumulate a greater sense of self-worth by appreciating our accomplishments and the results we achieve in the world, and through the repeated internalization of recognizing our own accomplishments, and feeling successful in inappropriate ways as a result, as well as internalizing the appreciation of others, acknowledgments of others, the friendliness of others, the lovingness of others, all of which affirm our worth as a being.” - Rick Hanson on Being Well.

Results you can see and feel

Think of the first time you were grateful for your parenting life or motherhood. How did it make you feel? How did this feeling show up in your body?

Write it down. These are results that you can see and feel, and they are powerful motivators. And when you are just starting out, it’s nice to know what you are working towards. These results can be the positive reinforcement to keep going, and they may even be what allows you to truly feel all the qualities of being a GoodAF Mom.

Of course, along the way, other things begin to happen. Over the past five years, I have become a more positive-minded person. I have the patience that I have always craved, I notice before I get mad, and I have stopped trying to fix the people in my life and accept them as they come - myself included.

This is the STATE of GRACE we are striving for. Our whole being lives there, body, soul, mind, reactions, Inner Critic - everybody comes for the ride. And it’s imperfect. I don’t always feel these things, but I sure do notice the results more often than not. And feeling like a GoodAF Mom? Well, that is a way of life now. Because good enough in my book is GoodAF.

Finally, how can you stay accountable to your Parenting with Gratitude™ Equation?

I want to stress that science supports belonging to a community that can assist in maintaining motivation and your commitment device – to help you build that sense of inner resolve. And so I want to invite you to RSVP for the Gratitude Circle - we meet the last Wednesday of every month online, and it's totally free. And we talk about this stuff: why we can’t get over the hump and practice. We take time to reflect on our past month's gratitude and savor the associated feelings — and the Circle acts as a source of social support, and an accountability partner.

I hope to see you there. And don’t ever forget — you are a GoodAF mom - Stef

What to do next:

Listen to the Podcast:

Gratitude Practice: Off the Hook

It has been a rough week here at my house. My children have been waking up in the middle of the night and now they are sleep deprived, and so I am. I can’t seem to keep myself together. I fly off the handle at the smallest spat between my sons, I am impatient and yell. My oldest is holding it together pretty well (gosh, I am grateful for emotional maturity), but my youngest and I step into the ring together ready to fight – at least once a day – and it’s tiresome.

In addition to these new/old issues, the ever-present Invisible Load and intense cultural expectations of parenting have got me burned out. Intensive Parenting is what sociologists and psychologists are now calling overly involved parenting, and they have declared it to be the most widely accepted parenting style in the US.

And so while I don’t want to paint this new style as a bad thing (there are many aspects of this type of parenting that are really, really good for our kids), I think we should get to know it a little better, ok? I’ll lay out the “Intensive Parenting” pillars for you, and you can tell me which ones feel familiar to you and which may make you say ‘ick’.

So the five basic beliefs included in the Intensive Parenting style are:

1) Parenting is best done by mothers. 

2) Parents should seek out expert support for proper child rearing 

3) It is naturally time intensive to care for a child properly 

4) It is expensive to provide the things the child will need for proper development 

5) Children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred.  

And in addition to those basics – Intensive Parenting’s hypothesis seems attractive. The thesis goes: (if practiced properly) “good” parenting should result in “good” kids (and healthy, well-adjusted adults even), and therefore a parent’s role and the family environment is the most important factor in the development of children under the age of 12 years old. 

How does this all work? Well, the tools of Intensive Parenting boil down to many things we talk about on this blog:

Interested in what to do instead of Intensive Parenting? Watch this video.

• parental modeling, 

• parental support, 

• encouragement and oversight 

So what do you think? Maybe the vibe feels good or normal. For me, “children are inherently good " feels like a no-brainer. But then, I have a knee-jerk reaction to mothers only being good parents because fathers are great parents too. The theory and style’s name throws me off too: “Intensive Parenting” — like our whole focus needs to be on parenting and doing it “right” and “well” and, dare I say it even…perfectly? 

This parenting style leaves out how influential culture and the media are, that peers are important to children way before they turn 12, and non-shared environments like school and daycare and the relationships our children form there factor heavily into the development of a child — not to mention the genetic code they inherit from our extended families and cultures of origin.

Of course, how we treat our children matters. What boundaries we lay out, environments we offer, and the battles we choose to prioritize — these things matter. But when you place the entire burden of a healthy and well-child on a single parent i.e., the primary caregiver - you end up in the mess we are in right now; burnout, anxiety, depression and despair.

Let’s look at it from our government’s point of view: If it’s all the fault of one parent, then policies don’t need to support parents because it’s not the fault of the culture – and with mothers who are burned out, well “they are lazy and should do better”.

This is a problem for primary caregivers. This is a problem mainly for women. 

I am not going to solve this in one blog post. However, I am going to share how I deal with it all, and how I have learned to lighten up my load. 

The Practice:

When I realized that I could no longer parent with the intensity required – I knew there would be consequences. I had to figure out how to get by in a world that was determined to call me a “bad mother” for not choosing that level of involvement in my kids’ lives. And so I accepted that part of this new learning process of parenting differently was to figure sh$t out and make mistakes along the way – and I adopted the mantra of wanting to be an Imperfect Parent. 

Then I started to look at what made me happy and unhappy when interacting with my kids. I hated decorating my house for the holidays, so I dialed it back. I didn’t like fighting with my 5-year-old while teaching him how to tie his shoes, so I bought slip-ons. Learning to ride a bike was a nightmare, so we stopped doing that. When I sat down at the end of the day and felt wreaked because I hadn’t caught my breath, we cut out all after-school and weekend enrichment classes.

And things let up. They really did. And I’m grateful for that. 

But there was a catch, and it had to do with an unconscious bias I had – remember the biggest thing on that list of intense parenting values that I did not agree with? That mothers best do parenting?

Well… under my own nose, I had been doing just that. I would go grocery shopping by myself and feel guilty for browsing too long, or I would go to coffee with a friend and bring my child along. It felt better knowing that I was handling my kids and knew what was happening with them. But in a way, I was saying, without saying it, that I knew best – and by doing this, by isolating my partner from any of the “hard” parts of parenting, I was robbing him of the chance to grow. To learn on the job and to make mistakes.

And I was saying Mothers know best.

We make an already hard job much harder by not sharing the load. And I know that sharing the load is a hard thing to do. I hate making lists for my partner, it’s so annoying. And it was for many years. But he makes the lists, too, now. Because I let him fall. And because I decided that the mom doesn’t have to do it all.

And to get to a place where you can start to share the load takes this week’s practice:

Take one night a week completely off.

Now you don’t need to fill it with gratitude - but this practice will result in immense amounts of gratitude that you will feel. Of course, with all new things, at first, it won't be easy, but in time I promise you it will be the first thing on your gratitude list each week.

This is how it works:

Sit down with your partner and find one night a week that you can consistently leave the house before or after dinner and definitely before the bedtime routine. Obviously, if your baby won’t take a bottle, then leave after the feed.

Find a weekly yoga class you can attend or a women’s group to join (like the Gratitude Circle!) - or go to a local bookstore and find a seat in the back. If you can’t leave the house, you will need a pair of noise-canceling headphones, ear plugs, and a lock on your bedroom door, or sit in your car in the garage - find a way to be completely gone.

And once you are gone, you are gone. And for the next 2 - 3 hours it’s your chance to be you. Read that steamy romance or call a friend to talk. Take a walk. Whatever you do, it should be free from the demands of anyone or anything. No commitments to meeting your mom if that feels like a chore, no dog to walk and pick up poop after, no people to ask to do you anything at all. 

Depending on your partner’s level of experience, it will be rocky (or easy) to get started but stick with the same night a week for your kid’s sake.

“Mommy goes out to yoga every Monday. I will tuck you in on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday, and Friday…etc. But on Monday, Dadddy makes dinner and tucks you in.” 

We need this time, Mama. Now that I have been doing this for many years, I have increased it to two nights. Whether or not you subscribe to all of the demands of Intensive parenting, cultural pressure is still real, and we all must find ways of dealing. Being there for your child on a consistently loving basis is important. Connecting and caring about their development and education is important. And when you provide the extra things you never had growing up, that feels really good too. But the sacrifice it takes on our mental health and relationships with our partners is rough — like really rough people. 

And obviously, I know one night a week is not enough — it’s not even close to enough — but if you are in a two-person relationship, it’s something doable that you have at your disposal right now - and it can even be completely free.

And I want you to savor this time off, too, before, during, and after. If you want to learn more about savoring, check out this practice here – and of course, you can take a journal with you and make your gratitude list every week during your night. It’s up to you to find a way to make it work. No matter when I make my list, morning, night, or in between, I am forever grateful to myself for having the tough conversation and for remembering that just because I am the mother doesn’t mean I am the only and best caregiver for my kids. I certainly don’t need to do it all or should. And by stepping away even for just one night, I can remind myself of just how Good As Fuck of a MOM I am. - Stef

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Disclaimer:

I want to clarify that the conversation with your partner can feel daunting, especially if you want to do it right without any screaming lol. I didn’t ask for a weekend day to sleep in until our oldest was around six - so I get it. And it’s not easy. But the payoff has been huge. And every time I have a tough conversation with my partner asking for things I need, it leads to good things for me and him and our kids because they get to see how a father can be involved, competent, and part of the team. I do not believe that parents are the single most important factors in whether our children will develop into amazing and healthy, and well-rounded people – but a functioning household in which both caregivers can get the rest they need and where cultural expectations are examined and even said NO to is a great place to start. If you are ready you could start by watching this film together.

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Other Practices to Try:

Listen to this post as a podcast:

Gratitude Practice: Savoring

@parentdifferently Learn the steps to parent differently with gratitude by joining the free 90-day challenge on my website #GoodAFMom #dailygratitudechallenge #gratitudechallenge #selfcareeveryday #momlifeyo #lifewithlittles ♬ original sound - Stef-ParentDifferently

What if I told you that your toddler’s crusty nose could be a great source of happiness and well-being? You would probably say gross, Stef.

And yes, it's true - after a lifetime of wiping other people’s children’s noses as a nanny (and then another lifetime of wiping my kids’ noses), I get it - it's gross. Nothing can prepare you for going in with a tissue to wipe and realizing that that crunchy exterior was actually a dam holding back a landslide of yellow and green snot – that’s a serious wiping commitment no one prepares you for. 

A crusty nose can be a source of happiness and well-being because of one thing — the contrast it offers. It’s a tiny hardship, something our minds are immediately attracted to. Just like so many of the annoying parts of parenting that don’t seem to quit - like the butt wiping and the ever-constant reminders that snacks aren’t gonna happen 5 minutes before dinner. And, of course, gratitude can fall flat without the contrast of more annoying times. But why do I remember that crusty sh%t so clearly – and forget the times when we fell into each other’s arms or ran around the playground?

Why does it stay stuck when the good is so much better?

You may remember our favorite OG gratitude researcher Professor Robert Emmons, has this to say about hardship and gratitude,

“When times are good, people take prosperity for granted and begin to believe that they are invulnerable.”

So we slide right into complacency, don’t we? The painful truth is our brains are efficient animals; they like known, simple, and easy. As James Clear says, “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” Goals are not something you do every day or are baked into your genes. They are ephemeral thoughts. Systems or habits well those build and build over time. They can be helpful or hurtful. Our brains don't care. These habits are a carved rut in the road, which our brains can easily slide into.

So what does this have to do with a runny nose? Well, a whole lot, actually. Imagine showing up at daycare, walking into the classroom, and as you look at your child, the first and only thing you see for a second is their old, dirty, crusted nose - gross. Well, you have a scapegoat for your repulsion, and it’s what cognitive scientists call the Negativity Bias.

The Negativity Bias is an automatic habit of the brain that makes looking for and evaluating threats and anything that could harm us a priority over anything other type of thinking. It causes us to remember criticism more than compliments and mistakes over wins. And the secret’s out. It’s also the operator behind the curtain of Mom Guilt.

Getting Brainy with It.

The Negativity Bias’ main goal is to keep us safe. Snots - no. Germs - no. Our thinking brain is not allowed a first opinion because our survival instincts kick in. I’ll let the psychiatrist and co-author of “What Happened to You?” Dr. Bruce Berry explains the brain process a bit more to you:

“The brain organizes from bottom to top, with the lower parts of the brain (brain stem/diencephalon aka “survival brain”) developing earliest, the cortical areas (thinking brain) much later,”  Perry says. “The majority of brain organization takes place in the first four years.Our brain functions from the bottom up - the instincts first and then the sorting and reasoning after.“

And so when we see our child, we only see the germs first. We see our child only after that initial reaction, and our thinking and reasoning brain kicks in. Of course, no one is saying we haven’t evolved or that we can’t respond instead of react. That you aren’t a GoodAF Mom if you go gross inside your head. I know a big fat smile will most likely happen next as you dash across the room and scoop your son up – hugging him and spreading that sh%t all over your freshly dry-cleaned coat.

The Negativity Bias lives in the more instinctual part of the brain, but we really don’t need it. We don’t need to scan everywhere we go for danger anymore instantly. Our world is relatively safe - no venomous snakes or wild cats hiding behind the neighbors four by four. Plus, this scanning makes us really stressed - probably more than we used to be. Since our brains are programmed to be constantly scanning, and we are surrounded by SO many stimuli these days, our nervous systems are stressed the f out.

What now, then?

Using gratitude as a prompt, you can take a few very specific steps if you would like to work on your “reaction” time and bigger hardships. Where maybe the Negativity Bias does not ease up after a millisecond but takes control of your whole day instead. Well, that’s why we are happy we have neuroplasticity on our side. Center for Brain Health, University of Texas at Dallas, explains that neuroplasticity is “the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life." So, yay, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

The first step is to use gratitude to notice things we overlook.

This will help to shift our perspective and then do that enough. You will give it a new system to depend on in tough times. And begin to replace the old system (the negativity bias) that maybe has run its course. Like our almost instant ability to overlook the snot and crack that loving smile, we can also learn to shorten our reactive time in other cases. 

So we use the power of gratitude to notice the good, shift our perspective and then use our natural neuroplasticity to rewire with repetition over time cognitively. And then we can add one more practice to the mix…

The practice of Savoring

Savoring is taking an external view of an experience to review and appreciate it. So you eat a strawberry and notice, yum, this is juicy, and then pop another in your mouth, OR if you are savoring, you take the time to step outside the experience and really notice the nuances of it for like 15 to 30 seconds. Wow, this strawberry is so delicious! You intentionally slow down your chewing. You let the juices move around your mouth, you think about the last strawberry you had and how this one is so much sweeter, and even after you swallow, you think, wow, that was a delicious moment.

This is savoring. Science shows that although savoring “things” can be beneficial, we can get the most out of savoring experiences because not only do we get more happiness out of experiences over material things, but we get bigger does of well-being from experiences because we savor them BEFORE they happen AND after they happen as well.

Think of a trip you recently went on - I find it so easy to go directly to the good memories of a trip over the bad, do you? I always forget to pack things for a trip, but when I reflect on the experience, my brain immediately goes to all the fun things we did. It’s one place in my life where my mistakes do not cloud the wins. And this is because of the repetition of savoring a trip provides. You don’t do this with other things in your life, like going to the playground or putting your toddler in a cute outfit. An experience is a training gym for the mind, from the pre-savoring of a trip to the actual FUN a trip provides, and then to running through memories of the trip and sharing them with friends.

We can follow this recipe for savoring and apply it to other areas of our lives.

We could do it with the strawberry - it would feel really cringy, but it could look like Pre-savoring: I get the strawberries out and put them in a pretty bowl. I look at them throughout the day and think about how beautifully red they are. I feel gratitude for the farmers who planted and tended the seeds and the workers who harvested and boxes them. I take a photo and post it on Instagram sharing the beauty with friends. Savoring in Real Time: Then I eat a few, mindfully savoring and intentionally taking it slow to really indulge in the flavor. Post Savoring: Then, a few hours later, I text a friend to tell them about the strawberries and where I got them. Maybe I even pick up a pint and drop them off at their doorstep as a surprise. A few days later, I looked at the photo I had taken on Instagram, and I remember the juiciness of the berries and sharing them with a friend. I feel the gratitude and the specialness of the moment all over again. And on and on it can go. 

Savoring is a way to take gratitude to the next level.

And it can help to amplify situations that already feel pretty good. And when we do this, we push back against our instinct to look for what went wrong, to find the strawberry with the mold or the one that didn’t taste so sweet.  Opportunities like these are all around us. What can you find to savor this week? Could it be something you do every day? How about an experience or a trip you took recently? Could you take the photos out and savor those? How about the way the light trickles through your baby’s dark brown hair or the way he tucks his feet under his bottom while he plays? Can you apply the steps of noticing, shifting to a grateful perspective, and then savoring in three ways (before, during, and after) to these everyday parenting moments too? 

The crusty nose will still be there, and all the other annoying inescapable parts of parenting too. But the good is waiting to be seen, felt, and held - are you ready to train your brain so you can feel more of it? I know you are. I hope you enjoy your week of savoring experiences and things – and don’t forget you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

Other Parenting with Gratitude™ Practices:

Listen to this as Podcast:

Embracing Intentional Parenting

This weekend I killed my son’s betta fish.

And it's true I did - I killed Felix. We had bought him that day, and I was worried that he would be cold overnight because we had overlooked buying a heater, so I wrapped his little tank with a heating pad crossing my fingers that it would work. And it did — a little too well. I cooked his fish overnight.

Of course, waking up to my son’s tears was horrible.

But then my son said to me, “We are going out RIGHT NOW and getting a NEW FISH,” and I got triggered - I crankily said back to him, “We are not getting any new fish until you do the proper research, which neither of us did and that's really why he died!” This, unfortunately, is imperfect parenting in action. 

I’m sure this story inspires empathy, like, “Wow, that's one of those situations you could feel really sh%tty about even a week later, and I'm so sorry.” And thank you, I appreciate it, but I am actually OK. I regret making myself feel better by passing some of the blame onto my 11-year-old’s lack of fish research. After all, I am the parent, and I should have done some myself before spending $22 on a fish. And he certainly didn't need me to throw it back on him when he felt super sad about his mother killing his new friend.

So yeah, I feel guilty about that, but do I feel like a Bad Mother? Do I want to run away and cry in my closet, filled with shame? Actually, no, I don't. 

And that’s a massive improvement for me. I never was a “sh%t happens” kind of person. I have always been an “it’s totally my fault, and this mistake defines me now” type.

And so this fish incident is a moment I will hold on to because it reminds me that it's one thing to have an intention - but it's another to take that intention seriously. 

I take my intention to be a happier human seriously by reminding myself daily of it and taking the repeated action of gratitude to achieve it. And without taking those series of steps, or what I call parenting with gratitude™, over the past four years, again and again, I would have had a much worse weekend than I did. 

Parenting with gratitude™ is the simple equation that I have developed over the years to take what was once a fleeting wish of showing up for my kids as loving and kind most of the time - and make it a reality, 

I want to share the recipe that has made Parenting with Gratitude™ really work for me, and it is:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

And the first step is Intention - in fact, I call it my GoodAF Mom Intention, which for me these days is to be a happier human and to be kind. 

That doesn’t mean all the time. It means more than yesterday or being a little less hard on myself the next time I murder a fish. And because I know at some point you reached an “enough is enough” moment or two, and you decided that something needed to change, I will stress that this GoodAF Mom Intention, the one that anchors you, will be the most crucial part to taking the steps to parent differently. 

Over the years, my intention has morphed and changed as I have grown and rediscovered the parts of me that were a little bit lost.  And as my intention became just figuring out how to be happy, I also learned that I didn’t have to be happy all the time to make this change. It was the intention that mattered. It's what changed my focus and fueled my inner healing. 

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But having an intention is not enough - it really is about what you do next.

My intention to be a happy human affected my attention. I began to look for things that made me happy, and the most obvious were my kids. Just watching them show up every day made me happy. I was grateful to be with them each day. My intention got me to a place I had never stayed for a very long time - where I stopped pushing myself to be better and just took the time to observe, to watch what I already had - and it was pretty great.  Sure, we can wish things to be different, but unlike what we were told as children, knowing is actually NOT half the battle. 

In fact, this is what Dr. Laurie Santos, cognitive scientist and host of The Happiness Lab, calls the G.I.Joe Fallacy.

To quote Santos, “We actually have to do all kinds of stuff other than just knowing stuff to change our behavior. If we really want to change our behavior, we have to change habits. We can’t just learn the stuff.”

The phrase “Knowing is half the battle” is actually dead wrong. We can’t just learn that gratitude will make us happier or that self-reflection is the simplest form of self-care. According to Santos, we have to do it - not just once, but change our habits (or the series of learned behaviors we have formed over time). This is why even though Action is crucial to parenting with gratitude, it’s the repeating action of being grateful in many, many, many different ways that lead to real, lasting change. 

According to a 2015 study that looked at why some people act on their dreams to become entrepreneurs while others only think and dream, it was determined that the key to the implementation of an intention - the DOING instead of just the knowing - boiled down to having what they called a “commitment devices.” 

These commitment devices can come in two forms.  One relies on self-regulation and was introduced by Peter Gollwitzer in 1999, called “Implementation Intention.” Basically, once you set a clear goal with achievable steps, you can also attach it to existing experiences through an “if-then” plan. Basically, thinking through what you will do in certain situations that may challenge your intention or goal. The simplest form of an implementation intention is every time you touch the front doorknob, you say keys inside your head. Here are some others:

• “I intend to run daily, so I will lay out my running clothes each night and keep my headphones by the door.” Great specific goal and intention. Your Implementation Intention for this situation could be to think about running and how good it feels every night when you lay out your clothes.

• “I intend to stop yelling, so I will take a moment after it is over to notice what types of things are running through my head.” Great specific goal and intention. Your implementation intention for this goal could be reminding yourself repeatedly (when you aren’t yelling) that Moms make mistakes too, and the pause and the repair after yelling is the most important part to teach your kids. It’s not about yelling, it’s about what you do after.

• “I intend to be more grateful. Therefore, I will write five things daily while drinking my coffee.” Great specific goal and intention. Your Implementation Intention would be when you think about drinking your coffee as you go to bed, say gratitude list. The association between the two will eventually become part of your brain’s automatic systems in the morning.

The other was an accountability device - So telling someone that you were going to start a gratitude journal or you intend to work on your mental health this year is a catalyst for creating action, for bridging the gap from intention to action because generally, as a species we strive for favorable opinions of our peers.

You can do it.

Using the knowledge of behavioral scientists mixed with my parenting with gratitude™ formula, we can become attuned to what we want and how we will get it. This customizes our goal and makes it achievable because it's not about what other people want or even what we may have thought we wanted two weeks ago.

Let’s try the formula together:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

• What is your intention? Maybe it’s to show up as your best self and to parent differently.

• What attention does this intention need? Well, what is my “best self” in the first place? This is where self-reflection comes in very handy. Maybe your “best self” can come to the surface once all the Mom Guilt and shame of making mistakes has subsided.

• What are the repeatable steps you will take to get to a place where Mom Guilt feels less like shame and mistakes feel more like learning opportunities? 

Well, for me, I chose gratitude. A committed daily practice of remembering all the good things I do for others and what they do for me proved I wasn’t bad, and it has detached me completely from shame, from only identifying as a Bad Mom. Rooting out daily moments of gratitude has allowed me to see my inner goodness, it has allowed me to access my best self without fear of internal judgment, and it has given me the freedom to keep making the mistakes so vital to learning. 

Sure, I may be a fish murderer, but that doesnt automatically qualify me as a Bad Mom – I am a Good AS Fuck Mom who made a mistake. And you are a Good Mom, too – so find an intention statement that works for you, one that, with a bit of attention, you can bridge the gap to action and finally see results. 

Once you ask yourself the hard questions, make a list of ways to take action, and use me as an accountability partner, join my email list and hit reply, or DM me on Instagram I’ll listen. And if you're stuck for an intention, I know you are reading because maybe you have had enough or you are curious about what it would take to be more fun, well maybe for the next week you can try this one for size:

I intend to parent differently by committing to the daily practice of gratitude. 

Don’t you ever forget you have all the pieces to the equation. And you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

What to read next:

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How Does Gratitude Improve Parenting?

Recently I decided to ask ChatGPT this question:

How does Gratitude Improve Parenting?

I know from personal experience that gratitude has improved my relationship with my kids, self, and partner — but I wanted to hear what the research AI had to say. Here’s its answer:

Gratitude can improve parenting by promoting a positive mindset and perspective. When parents practice gratitude, they focus on the things they appreciate and value in their children and family, rather than dwelling on their challenges and frustrations. This can lead to a more fulfilling and rewarding parent-child relationship and can also increase their overall sense of well-being and happiness. Gratitude can also foster a sense of emotional connection and can help parents to respond to their children in a more positive and supportive way, which can have a long-lasting impact on their children's emotional and behavioral development.

From my own personal research, I find this to be spot on. Gratitude changes our perspective by opening our worldview to allow more CHOICES to be discovered.

When there are more choices we dont feel trapped, burned out, or overwhelmed, even within the highly stressful experience of parenting differently than we were raised.

When you choose to parent differently you are stepping into foreign territory, shedding the learned habits from youth, and the model your parents provided, for something that you are a beginner at.

That was choosing to let go of parenting perfectly as the books told me - to let go of worrying about HOW I was parenting and begin to look inside myself instead.

What did I discover when I stopped striving for perfection in parenting and turned inward instead?

I found a tight, scared, and exhausted shell of who I used to be before I was graced with my adorable kids. This was scary, and I knew I needed help. And so, I put down the parenting books and picked up a few good self-help ones instead.

Now after years of investing in myself through therapy, devoted mindfulness and gratitude practice - and exercise - I understand that the role of having choices is invaluable to parenting.

When we choose to be grateful amidst hardship, we are making a radical decision to choose our mental health over what society says is more “important” - and when we do that, we can discover that all those moments that we thought made us a “Bad Mom” are actually not that many. When we sit down to list our gratitude we discover that we have overlooked a million and one things that make us Good AF moms instead.

Gratitude can also positively impact cycle-breaking (or just trying to parent a little bit differently.)

And as a disclaimer, I have no intention of outsourcing my blog posts or podcast to the machines; after all, if you listened to Episode 31 (Intention Action Gap), you’ll know that no AI would ever understand what it’s like to cook your child’s betta fish overnight… I hope you have a good week - and don’t forget you are already a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

Need more science? Watch as OG Gratitude researcher, Professor Robert Emmons, explains why gratitude is so important to our life satisfaction:

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Gratitude Practice: Hello Moment!

After 20 years of supporting parents, ‘practical’ mindfulness is the only way I talk about mindfulness anymore. Mindfulness is very doable, but the idea of adding mindfulness to our to-do lists is burnout-provoking. In reality, mindfulness simply means noticing what we tend to put on cruise control. I can be breathing and notice that I am breathing - that slight shift from just doing the thing to noticing the doing - that's mindfulness.

One of the obstacles to mindfulness is unpleasant emotions. If you are feeling angry it takes a lot of courage to look under than anger and see what else is there. It takes a lot of courage to feel anger too. It’s easier to move on with your day, isn’t it? Yes, mindfulness does apply to unpleasant feelings as well as pleasant ones. It applies to everything - it’s just a way to shift our awareness and become more present in our lives or even just small moments throughout the day. 

I want to talk about mindfulness in practical applications that can help us to jump the hurdles of our psyche (or what some mindfulness teachers call “resistance”), by incorporating them into our existing parenting routines.

Whenever I read a scientific study or an article on how the pandemic made our anxiety worse, the writers always say, “anxiety is worse in stressful times.” Then I think - but having a 2, 3, or 14-year-old IS “stressful times” even when the world isn’t on fire.

The stresses of parenting send you to places where you have no choice but to go.

And so even before we get to mindfulness we need to establish a little self-compassion for where we are and what we do each day. Your gratitude practice will help you to see all the good things that happen each day, and the good things you do for other people too - and for me, this is the proof that I am a good person, that what the voices in my head telling me is untrue. Once I remember my inner goodness, self-compassion can flow easier. It can be as simple as telling myself that this part’s not supposed to be easy, acknowledging that I am struggling without judgment of that struggle, or just stopping and saying that’s enough for today — these are all significant steps to take.

Mindfulness helps us stay longer in the present moment instead of bouncing forward to the future and backward to the past. And I know I have said it before, but – being in the present moment is your greatest ally as a parent.  Noticing how we feel, where we are, and what our expectations are, immediately makes parenting more of a solvable puzzle. So back to the basics here. We can notice things as pleasant and unpleasant or neutral – these are called feeling tones or vendanās in Buddhism. We can bring a soft mindful touch to those tones, and they, in turn, can keep us rooted here in the present.

Of course, you are busy, and you aren’t just going to remember to stop and feel your breath or body multiple times a day. At first, it will take some deliberate action to signal to your brain that this new way of noticing, or living in the world, with more awareness - well, it’s what you want to do now. This is why using techniques like Stop Signs, alarms, mantras, and lists is important because they replace old habits.

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GOODAF MOM GRATITUDE PRACTICE:

This is where the phrase Hello, Moment! comes in. I have painted the phrase Hello, Moment! on rocks and written it on post-it notes that I scatter around my house and car, and garden.  I like Hello, Moment! because it’s a phrase that is non-judgmental, kind, and even a little fun. If rocks aren’t your thing - you could even use a wipe-off marker to write it on the mirrors in your bathrooms.

These little reminders become an easy way to begin the repetitive training our brains require to develop new habits. This new habit is mindfulness, of pausing and noticing the moment we are in.

How does it Work in Real Life?

Maybe I am walking a basket of dirty laundry on my way to the washer and see the words Hello, Moment! on a windowsill rock or sticky note nearby. I am reminded to take a moment. What do I do with this moment? Well, maybe I go super sensory – I notice my hands holding the laundry, maybe there’s a smell to the laundry (gross) or a sound nearby. I could use it as an opportunity to list three things I am grateful for. I could also notice the feeling tones in my body of unpleasant, pleasant, and neutral, or I can look for any interior grumbling happening - I mean, it’s laundry after all - and if I want to or if it feels good to, I can deliberately notice something positive and beautiful instead - maybe the color of my favorite underwear in the pile, all moody and dark maroon.

Do it with Your Kids!

When you sit down to make three or four Hello, Moment! reminders, make sure they are cheerful, give them a sparkle, or make them pretty in some way. Then when you spot one in the wild, this “niceness” will naturally incline your mind towards that as a first step towards positivity. However you do it, make sure you place them in high-traffic areas at first, so you can get into a sort of rhythm. 

This is just one practical and no-pressure way to incorporate mindfulness into your daily routines. Adding in Stop Signs on your pick-up and drop-off routes is another, and the Choose a Color Game from Episode 12 of the podcast is another. Learning a new skill takes time, but the beauty of mindfulness is that it is always accessible. Like right now, if you stopped to notice your hands or feet, you could. Before I said that, your awareness was probably somewhere else (maybe coming up with a few places to put those rocks?) But once I said notice your hands, your mind went right there. It’s doable. And the more you do it, the more it comes in handy. You can notice, “Wow, I feel tight” or “I feel like I want to run out of this room and as far away as possible”, and offer yourself a little compassion just in time.

Because you are a GoodAF Mom who has choices. – Stef

What to read next:

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Moonlight Gratitude with Emily Silva

Podcast Guest:

Emily Silva

Coach, Author: Moonlight Gratitude

Are you struggling to add new routines that support your mental health as a mother? Are you feeling ashamed about not being able to stick with new habits? Discover how to add gratitude to your routine with guest Emily Silva of SoulsAdventures.com. Emily and I discuss simple ways to make new routines stick and answer a reader’s question.

Every few episodes, I invite a guest to answer a reader’s question - do you have one? Fill out the form below, and I will bring in an expert to answer it.

OUR QUESTION TODAY WAS THE FOLLOWING:

Why can’t I add a nightly gratitude routine?

Here are some takeaways from our conversation…

I've been doing gratitude forever and I have a great morning routine. It's very solid. But I can't practice gratitude or get into a routine at night and so this week’s question was acutally from me!

I think I've tried for 4 years to have a nourishing nighttime routine. And to give you a little back history, I used to drink at night, but I don’t anymore. I also used to have that “mom coping time” where it was finally quiet, the kids are asleep, there was no one demanding anything from me and so I'm going to have a couple of drinks and I'm going to scroll. Maybe you know it.

By the time I would hit the pillow I was exhausted and I was not sober, right? So I thought maybe that was the reason I didn't have an evening gratitude practice because I was in an altered state. However, recently I did a no-sugar diet and I cut alcohol. When I came back from the diet I decided not to drink before bed anymore. So I completely changed my habits. Now I make myself a cup of tea and then I read before bed. But even with these new habits I still couldn’t add in a gratitude practice. What should I do?

Emily: Well it sounds like you have a bedtime routine. The thing you just told me is your routine is reading and a cup of tea, that is your routine. You do it every single night. And so if you want to add gratitude to your routine that you already have, you just have to pair it. So before you open the book do your gratitude.

This shocked me because it was so simple. Of course, it you have a reward you can introduce a new aspect of a routine much easier. And the thing I like the most about my routine is the reading. So it becomes my reward. In the morning, I have always stuck to my routine because I get up 1 hour earlier than the rest of the household. And the QUIET and peacefulness of the house is my reward.

Emily: I think with habits we need to reward ourself. It's not like you're punishing yourself with the routine. It's just training yourself and so the reward is the next chapter of your book. To answer your question more generally: Why it's hard to practice gratitude at night? It’s hard because our day is done and we just went through the entire thing. And so I think sometimes we can get ourselves to bed and we're so tired that it's like I can't even do a thing. I can't even open a book and write down something. So if you're at that point, as you're going off to sleep just think of the one thing - like one magic moment of the day.

It doesn't even have to be magic. It could be just something that made you smile and I think the expectations we place on routine, morning routine, night routine, wherever we're at in our schedule — it sets us up for failure because you already have a routine, the expectation makes it feel like you don’t.

I asked Emily how she established a morning routine since she is more of a night owl:

Coffee. Using a drink in the morning or even in the evening is like pairing routine with a reward as well. Like I'm not going to have my glass of wine until I have my gratitude done. I'm not going to have my tea or coffee in the AM or I'm not going to read my next chapter. Whatever it is, we have to reward ourselves and that's something that James Clear says in Atomic Habits: In order to create a habit we need to make it easy and we need to make it enjoyable.

SOME OTHER TAKEAWAYS FROM OUR CONVERSATION:

• Savoring good feelings for 15 to 30 seconds helps the brain to make new neural pathways - learn more here.

• James Clear empathizes that to introduce a new habit it has to be both easy to adapt and enjoyable - even if that joy comes from the reward you give yourself once it’s over. His book Atomic Habits will change the way you look at your daily routines! 

• Have you tried Itsy Bitsy Baby Yoga - it’s my favorite baby yoga book and it’s what helped me to become a morning person all those years ago when I had my first son.

You can find Emily on Instagram @soulsadventures and her books (listed below) on her website as well as on Amazon: 

• Moonlight Gratitude - new audiobook version available on Audible!

• Moonlight Gratitude: A Journal

• Find Your Glow, Feed Your Soul

• Sunrise Gratitude

Make sure to listen to the episode for a whole lot more information! - Stef

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