The Imperfect Parenting Guide
You don’t have to be a perfect parent.
But admitting that might feel like a confession.
After all, we live in a world that sells us the story of the “perfect parent” every single day—through media, social networks, parenting experts, our friends, and even the whispering voices inside our own heads. We’re told that good parenting requires intense, constant, sacrificial effort that we must always be available, endlessly selfless, emotionally flawless and regulated.
These pressures are the essence of intensive parenting—a model that overstates parental control, overlooks structural realities, and quietly drains what was once a joyful, rewarding role of its energy, meaning, and self-trust.
This narrative isn’t just false—it’s damaging.
What Is Intensive Parenting?
Intensive parenting, sometimes called over-parenting or “helicopter parenting,” is the prevailing ideology in U.S. parenting culture. It promotes an image of the “ideal parent”—usually the mother—as always focused on the child and prioritizing their enrichment, safety, and emotional well-being, even at great personal cost.
I will lay out the five fundamental beliefs included in the Intensive Parenting style so you know what they are, and then explore how I think we can lighten the load:
1) Parenting is best done by mothers.
2) Parents should seek out expert support for proper child rearing.
3) It is naturally time-intensive to care for a child properly.
4) It is expensive to provide the things the child will need for proper development.
5) Children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred.
Four forces drive this framework:
Cultural norms that glorify over-involvement and judgment
Media and peer pressures that reinforce unattainable standards
Genetic essentialism, which tells mothers they are biologically responsible for their child’s success and failures
And social systems that offer little support but plenty of blame
A Better Way: Imperfect Parenting
Parenting doesn’t need to be perfect to be powerful. It needs to be real. 🪷
Let’s be clear: less intensive does not mean less invested.
Parenting imperfectly means parenting with intention, not intensity. It means anchoring to what matters most and letting go of the rest. It means trusting yourself more than the algorithm. And it means embracing the idea that you are already good enough—not when you do everything right, but when you show up as yourself.
This is the approach I teach and practice: It’s called Parenting with Gratitude®
It’s not about gratitude lists or good vibes only. It’s about recognizing the richness in your real parenting moments, and using that recognition to build self-trust from the inside out.
The Parenting with Gratitude® Equation 🪷
Existing moments with our children + Present-moment awareness (infused with parental gratitude)
→ Positive emotions and/or meaning-making → The Five Facets of Self-Trust (self-efficacy, self-confidence, self-compassion, self-resilience, self-worth)
This method acts as a kind of commitment device—a structure that helps you stay rooted in what matters to you, even when the world tells you otherwise.
And it works. Why?
Because the less pressure you feel to perform perfectly,
→ the more gratitude you can access
→ the more trust you build
→ the better you show up
→ the less pressure you feel.
That’s the flywheel effect of real, imperfect, grounded parenting.
Accountability Without Shame
Choosing to parent imperfectly isn’t an excuse to disconnect. It’s a practice of honest, values-based accountability.
This approach invites you to:
Reflect on what’s truly working—and what isn’t
Repair after mistakes without self-punishment
Practice presence over performance
You don’t need to be flawless. You need to be flexible, self-aware, and grounded in your own growth. That’s real modeling.
The Research Backs It Up
Psychological research supports this shift. When we model:
Self-compassion, our kids learn inner kindness
Emotional regulation, they develop resilience
Repair after mistakes, they trust more deeply
Parenting outcomes don’t hinge on perfection.
They’re shaped by connection, presence, and the capacity to reflect and learn again and again.
Let’s Talk About the Bigger Picture
When we place the entire burden of raising children on one parent, we’re not empowering—we’re eroding self-trust. 🪷
While some of the principles of intensive parenting may seem appealing, placing the burden of raising well-adjusted children on one parent—usually the mother—is a recipe for burnout, anxiety, depression, and despair.
And it’s simply not the full picture.
Beyond a secondary caregiver, this narrow view leaves out:
The influence of media, peer groups, and culture
The impact of schools, daycares, and other non-shared environments
And the reality of genetic inheritance—our children come from a long line of people, not just one household
Just like it wasn’t 100% my parents’ fault I ended up in therapy, it won’t be 100% your fault if your child turns out flawed. When we place the full responsibility of a child's future on one person, we give mothers a mandate to be perfect—and that simply isn’t possible.
The solution isn’t simple, but it does begin here: With the willingness to be an Imperfect Parent.
Imperfection as Resistance
For me, embracing imperfection has lightened the load. It lets me release the illusion of control and focus instead on what actually brings me—and my children—joy.
Being an imperfect parent means:
You don’t have to follow every cultural “should”
You can skip the holiday decorations if they stress you out
You can buy slip-ons instead of fighting over shoelaces
You can say no to weekend enrichment marathons and yes to rest
Parenting is a learning process. It always has been messy. It always will be. But it’s still meaningful. Still worthy. Still enough.
And maybe most importantly: you don’t have to do it alone.
Fathers, grandparents, extended family, chosen family—they all have a role.
And we, as mothers, can take a hard look at the gender expectations we may have internalized and choose a different path. (I’ve definitely caught myself doing the “forget it, I’ll do it” thing more times than I’d like to admit.)
Call It What It Is: A Broken Model
The complexity of modern parenting can’t withstand a perfect approach. And so this broken approach fails us—and our kids. 🪷
The complexity of modern parenting can’t withstand a perfect approach.
And so the model of intensive parenting fails us—and our kids.
So maybe it’s time to stop trying to fix yourself—and start seeing what’s already good.
Start with one moment. One breath. One noticing of the quiet, steady way you’re already showing up.
That’s where your power is.
That’s where your self-trust begins.
That’s Parenting with Gratitude®
Stef 🪷