Why Most Parenting Advice Doesn't Work.

Parenting can be a real sh*&show, with ups and downs, challenges, and moments of sheer joy. And our commitment to becoming “better” parents often motivates us to look to books, experts, and well-meaning advice from family and friends. But have you ever wondered why some of that advice feels like it doesn’t fit your child (or your patience level)? And it just leaves you feeling frustrated and like a failure? Well, you’re not alone. We’re gonna talk about the reasons why common parenting advice seems like a setup and uncover a few hidden truths that can transform your approach to this thing we call “motherhood.”

The Cycle of Shame and Blame

One of the main reasons most parenting advice fails is that it’s written for a broad audience. And while inclusivity is important, a generalized approach can overlook where we are in our self-healing journey and the emotional complexity we experience as mothers. For example, when we're triggered by our children's behavior and asked to “remain calm”, for some of us, that can feel impossible. The resulting onslaught of shame and blame (aka Mom Guilt) feeds an ongoing cycle: we feel small, flawed, and never good enough. Recognizing that shame is a powerful emotion, as highlighted by Brené Brown, allows us to approach parenting with greater self-compassion and understanding.

“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” - Brené Brown

Understanding Inner Motivation

Examining our inner motivations is crucial to navigating the complicated task of modern parenting. Are we striving to be more present parents and foster deeper connections with our children, or are we solely focused on changing their behavior? Uncovering your true intentions will help match your daily actions and expectations with what truly matters to you and your children. For instance, if we find ourselves hating to repeat instructions, that may come from feeling unheard and unimportant. And if we look deeper, we might discover that this is a wound from our own childhood that we unintentionally bring into our parenting. In reality, many children respond to different methods of instruction, but if our wounds bring us directly to frustration, we will never have the chance to access our creativity and curiosity about our children’s motivations.

The Complexity of Communication

And when it comes to communication and getting our children to listen, it's essential to consider their unique temperaments and needs. What works for one child may not work for another. For example, expecting an immediate response from a child deep in imaginative play might require something different than simply asking. Understanding that some children respond better to touch or gentle reminders allows us to adapt our communication styles and build stronger connections with them.

The Power of Self-Work

Parenting advice can be valuable, but it becomes truly effective when combined with self-work. Each child is unique, and so are you. Embracing and honoring everyone’s uniqueness, rather than trying to fit it all into a mold of generalized parenting “hacks,” can be crucial. Engaging in self-reflection, gratitude practices, mindfulness, therapy, and empathy towards ourselves and our children creates a nice foundation for THEN implementing expert advice with much better chances for success.

“Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning and purpose to our lives.” - Brené Brown

Embracing your inner GoodAF Mom

To be the best mom we can be, it's important to remember that we are already GoodAF. Yes you are worthy of the title even if you are imperfect — in fact, embracing our imperfections is key to building healthy relationships with our children. The internal dialogue and expectations we place on ourselves often complicate our interactions more than the actual situations themselves. By prioritizing our own well-being and investing in self-work, we can approach parenting from a place of authenticity, empathy, and love.

While parenting advice can provide guidance and insights, it's essential to recognize its limitations. Honoring our emotional journeys, the individuality of our children, and the need for personal growth enables us to navigate motherhood with greater grace and equanimity. By embracing our GoodAF Mom intentions and combining self-work with expert advice, we can create a nurturing environment that celebrates our children's unique strengths and honors their overall well-being.

Remember, you are a GoodAF mom, capable of navigating this beautiful and chaotic journey just with the wisdom of your heart alone. - Stef

How to Start Parenting with Gratitude®

So you're wondering if this whole gratitude thing will work for you…

Parents have been told to "just be grateful" more times than we can count. So if you're giving that word the side-eye, I get it.

But hear me out: I'm not here to tell you to be grateful—I'm here to show you how to use gratitude as a lens to see yourself more clearly. Not to become someone new, but to return to who you already are.

Because here's the thing: parenting doesn't need to break you. It can grow you—if you're paying attention.

When You Need a New Parenting Plan

I’ve been at this for a while. Before becoming a mom, I spent two decades as a professional nanny. I’ve seen parenting from all angles and lived it in the trenches.

Eventually, I said a big, bold F-U to being the “perfect” mom. I wanted something deeper. So I set a new intention: to become a happier human. That single shift sent me down a path of self-work, where I began to do the research and learn the tools of positive psychology.

Along the way, I developed a method I call Parenting with Gratitude® and an equation that makes it easier to try on for size.

This method acts as a kind of commitment device—a strategy (as Dr. Laurie Santos and behavioral scientists would say) that supports self-regulation and helps you stay aligned with your deeper goals.

It’s simple. It’s grounded. And it’s customized—just for you.

The Parenting with Gratitude® Equation 🪷

Let’s update the math. Here’s what my research, practice, and lived experience all say:

Existing moments with our children + Present-moment awareness (infused with parental gratitude)
→ Positive emotions and/or meaning-making
→ The Five Facets of Self-Trust

Those facets are: self-efficacy, self-confidence, self-compassion, self-resilience, and self-worth.

Why It Works:

🪷 Grounded in Reality – You’re not adding more to your plate; you're working with what’s already happening.

🪷 Accessible – It’s not about perfection. It’s about noticing the good that’s already there.

🪷 Sustainable Growth – This isn't a one-time fix. It’s a practice that builds self-trust over time.

🪷 Naturally Expands – Gratitude grows gratitude. And with it, confidence, resilience, and ease.

Let’s Break It Down:

1. Existing Moments with Our Children

This is the good news: you don’t need a new parenting plan. You already have the raw material.
The quiet car ride. The half-hug before bed. The mess, the noise, the questions—they’re all invitations. You don’t have to manufacture connection—it’s happening already.

This equation begins with what you’re already doing.

2. Present-Moment Awareness (Infused with Parental Gratitude)

This is where the practice comes in. When you slow down just enough to notice—that your child is laughing, that you didn’t yell this time, that you’re proud of how you handled that tantrum—you make natural space for gratitude to enter the chat.
Not the “gratitude list” kind. The embodied, “I’m here, and this matters” kind.

This is what I call Parental Gratitude: using mindfulness and appreciation, even delight, right here in the moment.

“Gratitude is fertilizer for the mind, spreading connections and improving its function in nearly every realm of experience.”
― Robert Emmons Ph.D, The Little Book of Gratitude

3. Positive Emotions and/or Meaning-Making

When you engage with the moment this way, something shifts inside you. Maybe you feel joy. Maybe you feel relief. Maybe you just feel like yourself again.
Or maybe, you simply see the meaning in what just happened: that mattered. And so do you.

This stage activates the inner landscape of positive psychology—and that’s where growth begins.

4. The Five Facets of Self-Trust

As this pattern repeats—real moments + mindful gratitude → meaning—you begin to build something incredible inside you. Something grounded and deep that no one can take away from you.

Not perfection. Not control. Self-trust.

You begin to believe that:

• You’re capable (self-efficacy)

• You’re good enough (self-worth)

• You can handle hard things (self-resilience)

• You can be kind to yourself (self-compassion)

• You know what you're doing (self-confidence)

“We can accumulate a greater sense of self-worth by appreciating our accomplishments and the results we achieve in the world, and through the repeated internalization of recognizing our own accomplishments, and feeling successful in inappropriate ways as a result, as well as internalizing the appreciation of others, acknowledgments of others, the friendliness of others, the lovingness of others, all of which affirm our worth as a being.” - Rick Hanson on Being Well.

This is the Practice

You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to pause.
To open up and let one good thing land.
And then let it shape how you see yourself.

Because you’re not broken. You’re growing.
And you’re not alone. - Stef 🪷

What to do next:

Listen to the Podcast:

The Imperfect Parenting Guide

You don’t have to be a perfect parent.

But admitting that might feel like a confession.

After all, we live in a world that sells us the story of the “perfect parent” every single day—through media, social networks, parenting experts, our friends, and even the whispering voices inside our own heads. We’re told that good parenting requires intense, constant, sacrificial effort that we must always be available, endlessly selfless, emotionally flawless and regulated.

These pressures are the essence of intensive parenting—a model that overstates parental control, overlooks structural realities, and quietly drains what was once a joyful, rewarding role of its energy, meaning, and self-trust.

This narrative isn’t just false—it’s damaging.

What Is Intensive Parenting?

Intensive parenting, sometimes called over-parenting or “helicopter parenting,” is the prevailing ideology in U.S. parenting culture. It promotes an image of the “ideal parent”—usually the mother—as always focused on the child and prioritizing their enrichment, safety, and emotional well-being, even at great personal cost.

I will lay out the five fundamental beliefs included in the Intensive Parenting style so you know what they are, and then explore how I think we can lighten the load:

1) Parenting is best done by mothers. 

2) Parents should seek out expert support for proper child rearing. 

3) It is naturally time-intensive to care for a child properly. 

4) It is expensive to provide the things the child will need for proper development. 

5) Children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred. 

Four forces drive this framework:

• Cultural norms that glorify over-involvement and judgment

• Media and peer pressures that reinforce unattainable standards

• Genetic essentialism, which tells mothers they are biologically responsible for their child’s success and failures

• And social systems that offer little support but plenty of blame

A Better Way: Imperfect Parenting

Parenting doesn’t need to be perfect to be powerful. It needs to be real. 🪷

Let’s be clear: less intensive does not mean less invested.

Parenting imperfectly means parenting with intention, not intensity. It means anchoring to what matters most and letting go of the rest. It means trusting yourself more than the algorithm. And it means embracing the idea that you are already good enough—not when you do everything right, but when you show up as yourself.

This is the approach I teach and practice: It’s called Parenting with Gratitude®

It’s not about gratitude lists or good vibes only. It’s about recognizing the richness in your real parenting moments, and using that recognition to build self-trust from the inside out.

The Parenting with Gratitude® Equation 🪷

Existing moments with our children + Present-moment awareness (infused with parental gratitude)
→ Positive emotions and/or meaning-making → The Five Facets of Self-Trust (self-efficacy, self-confidence, self-compassion, self-resilience, self-worth)

This method acts as a kind of commitment device—a structure that helps you stay rooted in what matters to you, even when the world tells you otherwise.

And it works. Why?

Because the less pressure you feel to perform perfectly,
→ the more gratitude you can access
→ the more trust you build
→ the better you show up
→ the less pressure you feel.

That’s the flywheel effect of real, imperfect, grounded parenting.

Accountability Without Shame

Choosing to parent imperfectly isn’t an excuse to disconnect. It’s a practice of honest, values-based accountability.

This approach invites you to:

• Reflect on what’s truly working—and what isn’t

• Repair after mistakes without self-punishment

• Practice presence over performance

You don’t need to be flawless. You need to be flexible, self-aware, and grounded in your own growth. That’s real modeling.

The Research Backs It Up

Psychological research supports this shift. When we model:

• Self-compassion, our kids learn inner kindness

• Emotional regulation, they develop resilience

• Repair after mistakes, they trust more deeply

Parenting outcomes don’t hinge on perfection.

They’re shaped by connection, presence, and the capacity to reflect and learn again and again.

Let’s Talk About the Bigger Picture

When we place the entire burden of raising children on one parent, we’re not empowering—we’re eroding self-trust. 🪷

While some of the principles of intensive parenting may seem appealing, placing the burden of raising well-adjusted children on one parent—usually the mother—is a recipe for burnout, anxiety, depression, and despair.

And it’s simply not the full picture.

Beyond a secondary caregiver, this narrow view leaves out:

• The influence of media, peer groups, and culture

• The impact of schools, daycares, and other non-shared environments

• And the reality of genetic inheritance—our children come from a long line of people, not just one household

Just like it wasn’t 100% my parents’ fault I ended up in therapy, it won’t be 100% your fault if your child turns out flawed. When we place the full responsibility of a child's future on one person, we give mothers a mandate to be perfect—and that simply isn’t possible.

The solution isn’t simple, but it does begin here: With the willingness to be an Imperfect Parent.

Imperfection as Resistance

For me, embracing imperfection has lightened the load. It lets me release the illusion of control and focus instead on what actually brings me—and my children—joy.

Being an imperfect parent means:

• You don’t have to follow every cultural “should”

• You can skip the holiday decorations if they stress you out

• You can buy slip-ons instead of fighting over shoelaces

• You can say no to weekend enrichment marathons and yes to rest

Parenting is a learning process. It always has been messy. It always will be. But it’s still meaningful. Still worthy. Still enough.

And maybe most importantly: you don’t have to do it alone.

Fathers, grandparents, extended family, chosen family—they all have a role.
And we, as mothers, can take a hard look at the gender expectations we may have internalized and choose a different path. (I’ve definitely caught myself doing the “forget it, I’ll do it” thing more times than I’d like to admit.)

Call It What It Is: A Broken Model

The complexity of modern parenting can’t withstand a perfect approach. And so this broken approach fails us—and our kids. 🪷

The complexity of modern parenting can’t withstand a perfect approach.
And so the model of intensive parenting fails us—and our kids.

So maybe it’s time to stop trying to fix yourself—and start seeing what’s already good.

Start with one moment. One breath. One noticing of the quiet, steady way you’re already showing up.

That’s where your power is.
That’s where your self-trust begins.
That’s Parenting with Gratitude®

Stef 🪷

Gratitude Practice: Off the Hook

It has been a rough week here at my house. My children have been waking up in the middle of the night and now they are sleep deprived, and so I am. I can’t seem to keep myself together. I fly off the handle at the smallest spat between my sons, I am impatient and yell. My oldest is holding it together pretty well (gosh, I am grateful for emotional maturity), but my youngest and I step into the ring together ready to fight – at least once a day – and it’s tiresome.

In addition to these new/old issues, the ever-present Invisible Load and intense cultural expectations of parenting have got me burned out. Intensive Parenting is what sociologists and psychologists are now calling overly involved parenting, and they have declared it to be the most widely accepted parenting style in the US.

And so while I don’t want to paint this new style as a bad thing (there are many aspects of this type of parenting that are really, really good for our kids), I think we should get to know it a little better, ok? I’ll lay out the “Intensive Parenting” pillars for you, and you can tell me which ones feel familiar to you and which may make you say ‘ick’.

So the five basic beliefs included in the Intensive Parenting style are:

1) Parenting is best done by mothers. 

2) Parents should seek out expert support for proper child rearing 

3) It is naturally time intensive to care for a child properly 

4) It is expensive to provide the things the child will need for proper development 

5) Children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred.  

And in addition to those basics – Intensive Parenting’s hypothesis seems attractive. The thesis goes: (if practiced properly) “good” parenting should result in “good” kids (and healthy, well-adjusted adults even), and therefore a parent’s role and the family environment is the most important factor in the development of children under the age of 12 years old. 

How does this all work? Well, the tools of Intensive Parenting boil down to many things we talk about on this blog:

Interested in what to do instead of Intensive Parenting? Watch this video.

• parental modeling, 

• parental support, 

• encouragement and oversight 

So what do you think? Maybe the vibe feels good or normal. For me, “children are inherently good " feels like a no-brainer. But then, I have a knee-jerk reaction to mothers only being good parents because fathers are great parents too. The theory and style’s name throws me off too: “Intensive Parenting” — like our whole focus needs to be on parenting and doing it “right” and “well” and, dare I say it even…perfectly? 

This parenting style leaves out how influential culture and the media are, that peers are important to children way before they turn 12, and non-shared environments like school and daycare and the relationships our children form there factor heavily into the development of a child — not to mention the genetic code they inherit from our extended families and cultures of origin.

Of course, how we treat our children matters. What boundaries we lay out, environments we offer, and the battles we choose to prioritize — these things matter. But when you place the entire burden of a healthy and well-child on a single parent i.e., the primary caregiver - you end up in the mess we are in right now; burnout, anxiety, depression and despair.

Let’s look at it from our government’s point of view: If it’s all the fault of one parent, then policies don’t need to support parents because it’s not the fault of the culture – and with mothers who are burned out, well “they are lazy and should do better”.

This is a problem for primary caregivers. This is a problem mainly for women. 

I am not going to solve this in one blog post. However, I am going to share how I deal with it all, and how I have learned to lighten up my load. 

The Practice:

When I realized that I could no longer parent with the intensity required – I knew there would be consequences. I had to figure out how to get by in a world that was determined to call me a “bad mother” for not choosing that level of involvement in my kids’ lives. And so I accepted that part of this new learning process of parenting differently was to figure sh$t out and make mistakes along the way – and I adopted the mantra of wanting to be an Imperfect Parent. 

Then I started to look at what made me happy and unhappy when interacting with my kids. I hated decorating my house for the holidays, so I dialed it back. I didn’t like fighting with my 5-year-old while teaching him how to tie his shoes, so I bought slip-ons. Learning to ride a bike was a nightmare, so we stopped doing that. When I sat down at the end of the day and felt wreaked because I hadn’t caught my breath, we cut out all after-school and weekend enrichment classes.

And things let up. They really did. And I’m grateful for that. 

But there was a catch, and it had to do with an unconscious bias I had – remember the biggest thing on that list of intense parenting values that I did not agree with? That mothers best do parenting?

Well… under my own nose, I had been doing just that. I would go grocery shopping by myself and feel guilty for browsing too long, or I would go to coffee with a friend and bring my child along. It felt better knowing that I was handling my kids and knew what was happening with them. But in a way, I was saying, without saying it, that I knew best – and by doing this, by isolating my partner from any of the “hard” parts of parenting, I was robbing him of the chance to grow. To learn on the job and to make mistakes.

And I was saying Mothers know best.

We make an already hard job much harder by not sharing the load. And I know that sharing the load is a hard thing to do. I hate making lists for my partner, it’s so annoying. And it was for many years. But he makes the lists, too, now. Because I let him fall. And because I decided that the mom doesn’t have to do it all.

And to get to a place where you can start to share the load takes this week’s practice:

Take one night a week completely off.

Now you don’t need to fill it with gratitude - but this practice will result in immense amounts of gratitude that you will feel. Of course, with all new things, at first, it won't be easy, but in time I promise you it will be the first thing on your gratitude list each week.

This is how it works:

Sit down with your partner and find one night a week that you can consistently leave the house before or after dinner and definitely before the bedtime routine. Obviously, if your baby won’t take a bottle, then leave after the feed.

Find a weekly yoga class you can attend or a women’s group to join (like the Gratitude Circle!) - or go to a local bookstore and find a seat in the back. If you can’t leave the house, you will need a pair of noise-canceling headphones, ear plugs, and a lock on your bedroom door, or sit in your car in the garage - find a way to be completely gone.

And once you are gone, you are gone. And for the next 2 - 3 hours it’s your chance to be you. Read that steamy romance or call a friend to talk. Take a walk. Whatever you do, it should be free from the demands of anyone or anything. No commitments to meeting your mom if that feels like a chore, no dog to walk and pick up poop after, no people to ask to do you anything at all. 

Depending on your partner’s level of experience, it will be rocky (or easy) to get started but stick with the same night a week for your kid’s sake.

“Mommy goes out to yoga every Monday. I will tuck you in on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday, and Friday…etc. But on Monday, Dadddy makes dinner and tucks you in.” 

We need this time, Mama. Now that I have been doing this for many years, I have increased it to two nights. Whether or not you subscribe to all of the demands of Intensive parenting, cultural pressure is still real, and we all must find ways of dealing. Being there for your child on a consistently loving basis is important. Connecting and caring about their development and education is important. And when you provide the extra things you never had growing up, that feels really good too. But the sacrifice it takes on our mental health and relationships with our partners is rough — like really rough people. 

And obviously, I know one night a week is not enough — it’s not even close to enough — but if you are in a two-person relationship, it’s something doable that you have at your disposal right now - and it can even be completely free.

And I want you to savor this time off, too, before, during, and after. If you want to learn more about savoring, check out this practice here – and of course, you can take a journal with you and make your gratitude list every week during your night. It’s up to you to find a way to make it work. No matter when I make my list, morning, night, or in between, I am forever grateful to myself for having the tough conversation and for remembering that just because I am the mother doesn’t mean I am the only and best caregiver for my kids. I certainly don’t need to do it all or should. And by stepping away even for just one night, I can remind myself of just how Good As Fuck of a MOM I am. - Stef

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Disclaimer:

I want to clarify that the conversation with your partner can feel daunting, especially if you want to do it right without any screaming lol. I didn’t ask for a weekend day to sleep in until our oldest was around six - so I get it. And it’s not easy. But the payoff has been huge. And every time I have a tough conversation with my partner asking for things I need, it leads to good things for me and him and our kids because they get to see how a father can be involved, competent, and part of the team. I do not believe that parents are the single most important factors in whether our children will develop into amazing and healthy, and well-rounded people – but a functioning household in which both caregivers can get the rest they need and where cultural expectations are examined and even said NO to is a great place to start. If you are ready you could start by watching this film together.

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Other Practices to Try:

Listen to this post as a podcast:

Embracing Intentional Parenting

This weekend I killed my son’s betta fish.

And it's true I did - I killed Felix. We had bought him that day, and I was worried that he would be cold overnight because we had overlooked buying a heater, so I wrapped his little tank with a heating pad crossing my fingers that it would work. And it did — a little too well. I cooked his fish overnight.

Of course, waking up to my son’s tears was horrible.

But then my son said to me, “We are going out RIGHT NOW and getting a NEW FISH,” and I got triggered - I crankily said back to him, “We are not getting any new fish until you do the proper research, which neither of us did and that's really why he died!” This, unfortunately, is imperfect parenting in action. 

I’m sure this story inspires empathy, like, “Wow, that's one of those situations you could feel really sh%tty about even a week later, and I'm so sorry.” And thank you, I appreciate it, but I am actually OK. I regret making myself feel better by passing some of the blame onto my 11-year-old’s lack of fish research. After all, I am the parent, and I should have done some myself before spending $22 on a fish. And he certainly didn't need me to throw it back on him when he felt super sad about his mother killing his new friend.

So yeah, I feel guilty about that, but do I feel like a Bad Mother? Do I want to run away and cry in my closet, filled with shame? Actually, no, I don't. 

And that’s a massive improvement for me. I never was a “sh%t happens” kind of person. I have always been an “it’s totally my fault, and this mistake defines me now” type.

And so this fish incident is a moment I will hold on to because it reminds me that it's one thing to have an intention - but it's another to take that intention seriously. 

I take my intention to be a happier human seriously by reminding myself daily of it and taking the repeated action of gratitude to achieve it. And without taking those series of steps, or what I call parenting with gratitude™, over the past four years, again and again, I would have had a much worse weekend than I did. 

Parenting with gratitude™ is the simple equation that I have developed over the years to take what was once a fleeting wish of showing up for my kids as loving and kind most of the time - and make it a reality, 

I want to share the recipe that has made Parenting with Gratitude™ really work for me, and it is:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

And the first step is Intention - in fact, I call it my GoodAF Mom Intention, which for me these days is to be a happier human and to be kind. 

That doesn’t mean all the time. It means more than yesterday or being a little less hard on myself the next time I murder a fish. And because I know at some point you reached an “enough is enough” moment or two, and you decided that something needed to change, I will stress that this GoodAF Mom Intention, the one that anchors you, will be the most crucial part to taking the steps to parent differently. 

Over the years, my intention has morphed and changed as I have grown and rediscovered the parts of me that were a little bit lost.  And as my intention became just figuring out how to be happy, I also learned that I didn’t have to be happy all the time to make this change. It was the intention that mattered. It's what changed my focus and fueled my inner healing. 

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But having an intention is not enough - it really is about what you do next.

My intention to be a happy human affected my attention. I began to look for things that made me happy, and the most obvious were my kids. Just watching them show up every day made me happy. I was grateful to be with them each day. My intention got me to a place I had never stayed for a very long time - where I stopped pushing myself to be better and just took the time to observe, to watch what I already had - and it was pretty great.  Sure, we can wish things to be different, but unlike what we were told as children, knowing is actually NOT half the battle. 

In fact, this is what Dr. Laurie Santos, cognitive scientist and host of The Happiness Lab, calls the G.I.Joe Fallacy.

To quote Santos, “We actually have to do all kinds of stuff other than just knowing stuff to change our behavior. If we really want to change our behavior, we have to change habits. We can’t just learn the stuff.”

The phrase “Knowing is half the battle” is actually dead wrong. We can’t just learn that gratitude will make us happier or that self-reflection is the simplest form of self-care. According to Santos, we have to do it - not just once, but change our habits (or the series of learned behaviors we have formed over time). This is why even though Action is crucial to parenting with gratitude, it’s the repeating action of being grateful in many, many, many different ways that lead to real, lasting change. 

According to a 2015 study that looked at why some people act on their dreams to become entrepreneurs while others only think and dream, it was determined that the key to the implementation of an intention - the DOING instead of just the knowing - boiled down to having what they called a “commitment devices.” 

These commitment devices can come in two forms.  One relies on self-regulation and was introduced by Peter Gollwitzer in 1999, called “Implementation Intention.” Basically, once you set a clear goal with achievable steps, you can also attach it to existing experiences through an “if-then” plan. Basically, thinking through what you will do in certain situations that may challenge your intention or goal. The simplest form of an implementation intention is every time you touch the front doorknob, you say keys inside your head. Here are some others:

• “I intend to run daily, so I will lay out my running clothes each night and keep my headphones by the door.” Great specific goal and intention. Your Implementation Intention for this situation could be to think about running and how good it feels every night when you lay out your clothes.

• “I intend to stop yelling, so I will take a moment after it is over to notice what types of things are running through my head.” Great specific goal and intention. Your implementation intention for this goal could be reminding yourself repeatedly (when you aren’t yelling) that Moms make mistakes too, and the pause and the repair after yelling is the most important part to teach your kids. It’s not about yelling, it’s about what you do after.

• “I intend to be more grateful. Therefore, I will write five things daily while drinking my coffee.” Great specific goal and intention. Your Implementation Intention would be when you think about drinking your coffee as you go to bed, say gratitude list. The association between the two will eventually become part of your brain’s automatic systems in the morning.

The other was an accountability device - So telling someone that you were going to start a gratitude journal or you intend to work on your mental health this year is a catalyst for creating action, for bridging the gap from intention to action because generally, as a species we strive for favorable opinions of our peers.

You can do it.

Using the knowledge of behavioral scientists mixed with my parenting with gratitude™ formula, we can become attuned to what we want and how we will get it. This customizes our goal and makes it achievable because it's not about what other people want or even what we may have thought we wanted two weeks ago.

Let’s try the formula together:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

• What is your intention? Maybe it’s to show up as your best self and to parent differently.

• What attention does this intention need? Well, what is my “best self” in the first place? This is where self-reflection comes in very handy. Maybe your “best self” can come to the surface once all the Mom Guilt and shame of making mistakes has subsided.

• What are the repeatable steps you will take to get to a place where Mom Guilt feels less like shame and mistakes feel more like learning opportunities? 

Well, for me, I chose gratitude. A committed daily practice of remembering all the good things I do for others and what they do for me proved I wasn’t bad, and it has detached me completely from shame, from only identifying as a Bad Mom. Rooting out daily moments of gratitude has allowed me to see my inner goodness, it has allowed me to access my best self without fear of internal judgment, and it has given me the freedom to keep making the mistakes so vital to learning. 

Sure, I may be a fish murderer, but that doesnt automatically qualify me as a Bad Mom – I am a Good AS Fuck Mom who made a mistake. And you are a Good Mom, too – so find an intention statement that works for you, one that, with a bit of attention, you can bridge the gap to action and finally see results. 

Once you ask yourself the hard questions, make a list of ways to take action, and use me as an accountability partner, join my email list and hit reply, or DM me on Instagram I’ll listen. And if you're stuck for an intention, I know you are reading because maybe you have had enough or you are curious about what it would take to be more fun, well maybe for the next week you can try this one for size:

I intend to parent differently by committing to the daily practice of gratitude. 

Don’t you ever forget you have all the pieces to the equation. And you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

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Shorten Nighttime Wakings With These 10 Tips

Ok, so nighttime waking happens, but nighttime turning into playtime can be a nightmare - short and sweet is what we are after. But after 20 years as a professional nanny, I am sure that the easiest way is for your toddler to feel safe and supported. They need to feel your confidence because you have a plan, and they need to feel connected to you — because it’s scary to wake up and be alone in the dark when they are only two!

So let’s learn to address nighttime waking quickly and still honor your child’s need for connection.

First, let’s check your Environmental Set Up:

• Make sure you use red light - not white in the middle of the night if needed.

• Make sure the room is dark but feels safe.

• Do they have their favorite lovey or stuffy?

• I love a wind-up flashlight because it gives them autonomy, and it doesn’t last all night.

• Do they have an “Ok to Wake” toddler clock?

• I would also suggest a visual timer if you come back and check on them in a set amount of time.

• Make sure you have a book like The Middle of the Night Book in their bed, ready to go — or keep it on your nightstand.

Shorten toddler night wakings with these 10 easy steps

1. Take a breath. Middle of the waking is normal behavior, especially if they are learning something new like walking or talking or going through any transitions like starting daycare or potty training.

2. Do not ignore them. Connection and belonging are important at this age, so go to them when they wake (or they will come to you!).

3. Make a physical connection - use soothing touch or empathetic eye contact.

4. Listen and reflect emotions - try not to use language that feels like ‘fixing’.

5. Learn the three stages of falling asleep:

   1. Regulate - work out tough emotions or extra energy together by breathing, hugging, or listening patiently before expecting them to go back to sleep.

   2. Settle - help them to get comfortable and find the items they need to feel safe and secure in their bed, see #6 for tips.

   3. Soothe - remind them you are there, encourage them to notice their body’s sleepiness, and rub their back or forehead if they like that for a short time. This touch encourages the brain to produce oxytocin which helps to soothe a child back to sleep. At this stage, you must leave before they fall asleep so they can learn to do it independently.

6. Every night, practice a structured and simple bedtime routine that concludes with three simple rules they can remember “Calm body, Quiet mouth, Stay in your bed.” Your bedtime routine acts as the “Regulation” stage of falling asleep and is especially important to repeat during the middle of the night.

7. Then ask their permission to check in on them in a few minutes. Set a visual timer for when you will be back. Assure them that they can do this on their own. “I fall asleep on my own, and you can too! You did great at bedtime! I promise I will be back in 5 minutes to check on you.”

8. Say goodnight and leave. Have a Goodbye mantra that you use every time you leave. “You’re safe, and you’re loved, Collin,” or “Time for sleep, Collin. Goodnight, I love you.”

9. Make sure you return in the time allotted but quietly if you commit to doing a check-in. If they are still awake, check in and say I am still here if you need me, but you are doing great! I can come back and check again - is that something you want? And then, set the timer again and leave. If you have successfully gone through the 3 stages of sleep, it should only take 1 or 2 extra checks before they go to sleep naturally. However, if they are worked up or stressed, this will have the opposite effect, so really make sure they are regulated and settled before leaving the first time.

10. Talk about their successes in the AM with visual aids like a calendar or a sleeping photo of them - ignore the behavior you did not like.

Other Pro Tips:

• Do not make the transition to a toddler bed until you have introduced a toddler clock 

• If your child is learning a new skill during the day they will be more likely to

  wake at night

• Remember their Hierarchy of needs - belonging and connection before anything else.

• One transition at a time, so if they are potty training, do not introduce a toddler bed, etc.

• Lots of high-quality interactions before bed! You’ve got this!

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Other posts on sleep:

Faith to Parent Differently

Parenting differently takes faith. Faith that your actions each day are enough, that your intention is enough, that your love for your children is enough.

Parenting differently is not easy, but I choose it anyway. I choose it even though trauma may be baked into 3 generations of DNA, the cycle stops with me. And I will do my best to make the most difference I can in ONE generation.

But the effects of positive generational change are very hard to see. That’s where the faith comes in.

When you have the faith to parent differently you don’t need proof that you are making a difference because your actions each day are enough. And so your intention to parent differently becomes your motivation and inspiration. And the ways you find to meet your needs become your fuel and you discover with each passing year that it’s enough and that you are enough too. Watch the video for more. - Stef

What is Gentle Parenting? ✨

I don’t know what I don’t know.

For the past two years, my intention to be a “better parent” became eclipsed by my desire to just be happy.

And so I’ve focused deeply on self-care. I’ve upgraded my negative mindset with a fierce commitment to gratitude - and now my intention has changed.

I am ready to become a soft place for my kids to land. 

And with the birth of the new year just a few short days away, I’m going to spend some time learning as much as I can about Gentle Parenting. Do you have a go-to resource when it comes to this style? Leave a comment below.

What is Gentle Parenting?

Well I looked it up and this stood out from the article I found:

“Aliza Pressman, Ph.D., co-founding director and director of clinical programming for the Mount Sinai Parenting Center, notes, gentle parenting is really just another variation of authoritative parenting. She notes you don't need to get caught up in the semantics of this, as it's really all the same concept: You want to raise a kid with sensitivity and warmth while also measuring out reasonable expectations and boundaries.”

I like this. This type of parenting has always been my intention.

The issue I have with achieving even a small semblance of this type of parenting style however has to do with modeling. I was not brought up this way. No matter how much my mother tried to be different, in the end I was brought up with more of an authoritarian model. My childhood was filled with warmth but it also featured unreachable expectations mixed with confusing and sometimes harsh punishments, impatience, and a demand for perfection.

So now that I like myself again - I am ready to give this type of parenting a try. And of course, it won’t start with jumping in head first - learn the lingo and go! No that never works. I have learned from my healing journey that all new paths start with 2 things: 1. Gratitude 2. Awareness.

So at the beginning of this new year I am prepared to look at each day through the lens of gratitude. And I al willing to watch my actions before I change them - to really notice just exactly what I am saying and doing. The gratitude will help me to notice the good and the mindfulness will help me to notice the present moment.

Between the two I am guessing I will discover I am already doing a great job - and that with a few tweaks I can achieve my newfound intention to be the soft place my children land in a harsh and modern world.

If you would like to join me on my Grateful, Gentle, parenting journey - sign up for my free 12 Weeks of Gratitude Email Series here.

- with thanks, Stef