That I Would Be a Good (Mom)
I rewrote the lyrics to “That I would be good” by Alanis Morisette for you, Mama. I won’t sing it for you because that would not be good…
I rewrote the lyrics to “That I would be good” by Alanis Morisette for you, Mama. I won’t sing it for you because that would not be good. Don’t ever forget you are a GoodAF Mom - Stef
That I Would Be A Good Mom
That I would be a good mom even if I did nothing
That I would be a good mom, even if I got stuck inside my head
That I would be a good mom if I got and stayed tired
That I would be a good mom, even if my body was no longer mine
That I would be a fine mom, even if I went over the top
That I would be a good mom if I lost my hair and my spark
That I would be a great mom if I forgot to feel joy
That I would be grand even if I were not ‘doing it all’
That you would feel loved even when I fail
That you would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That you would be loved even while I cried in the closet
That you would be good even if I were not perfect
That I would be a good mom even if I lost pieces of myself
That I would be good enough,
Imperfect and still here, my love.
When Things Go Wrong
Mom Tantrums: How I deal with parenting mistakes.
Just because of the nature of emotions and how the brain functions, it’s much easier to offer you advice when I am feeling good. When my mind is clear, I can access my accumulated knowledge on well-being and gracious living. It’s much harder to share when I F-ed up — when things go bad.
But I am committed to the practice of imperfect parenting — and to do that means not ‘acting’ perfect online either. And so I will be honest with you here.
I threw a massive Mom Tantrum this morning — my son started screaming from the backseat but would not tell me why. And when I slowed down the car and looked at him in the rearview mirror, he kept screaming and refused to say one word. This triggered me, and I slammed on the brake of the car, making the car bounce with fury, and screamed: “Are you hurt!! Do we need to pull over!! What is going on!!! You need to tell me right now!” — like uncomfortably loudly. Looking back, I know I did it to scare him into reacting because nothing else had worked, and I needed an answer as we were in the middle of the road.
Turns out he had a loose tooth that had taken a sharp turn on a bagel, and he was in excruciating pain 🤦♀️.
If you have baggage of any sort, Mom Tantrums will happen from time to time. And This morning sh%t got real.
I felt helpless and unseen and really out of control — although, at the time, I was feeling really in control, in control of my anger.
And my anger was valid, but the way I acted was not. The tantrum I threw. It was not ok. We are just out there living and trying to heal, and sh%t happens. We can do the work and get to a place of GoodAF; still, sh%t can happen. Do I feel extraordinarily bad right now? Yes. Do I also know that it’s just another day and moment in time and that I am ultimately OK, a good mom who makes mistakes? Yes, that too.
But no amount of good feelings will make the hurt go away - at first.
I had to feel it, but I tried so hard not to this morning.
After I dropped the kids off at school, I went for my walk - and the first 2 miles were ok, but by the 3rd mile, I could feel the emotion welling up with no place to go but out. I thought I had managed it by breathing it out and connecting in a kind way when I dropped my son off - but no, it was bigger than that.
So I drove home, and I sat down and cried. Like really cried. I allowed myself to acknowledge that what I did was wrong. I let myself get angry for all the valid reasons I should have been — I was driving and couldn’t see the problem, anyone else in the car could have jumped to help but they didn’t — and my son is hard when it comes to injuries. There have been so many times before where problems not this huge were portrayed to be. I was angry and needed to feel it.
I was also hurt. I didn’t want to yell and scream at my 11-year-old child. He was hurt. He was in pain, and I made him more afraid because I used fear to get him to respond. I don’t want to be that type of mother where my feelings matter more than his. And I take responsibility for that. There really isn’t a moment in life that constitutes a freakout where fear should be the parenting tactic. Getting mad and telling someone how you feel is important — but a Mom Tantrum like this, no.
But they happen — in fact, since I haven’t had one in over a year or two, actually made me feel worse — like everything I work on every day and everything I talk to you all about is for nothing. But in reality, that’s not true. Once I sat to feel my pain, I knew that I would be OK, I knew that I had made a mistake, but that mistake didn’t make me a Bad Mom. And it reminded me of the GoodAF Mom Pep Talk #5 on the podcast, where I remind you that: Moms make mistakes too.
And that’s what I said to myself: Moms make mistakes too. I will chalk this one up to bad circumstances and move on — of course, not until I make it right with my son this afternoon.
Once I calmed down, that’s when I listed a bunch of things to be grateful for - the house was empty when I came home, so I could wail freely. I had an extra hour today because of afterschool classes so this self-care time wouldn’t cut into my working hours. And I had my kids and my life. And the next time they freaked out, I could point to my own freak out and said — me too. I get it. Life’s hard, buddy. Me too. - Stef
What to read next:
New Year, Same Me
Start where you are with what you have. What are your mindset goals for 2023? And what are the obstacles that get in the way of well-being and embracing the “same you” as you have always been? We will talk about all these things while hopefully discovering new things about ourselves that don’t come from “fixing” a thing about our motherhood or who we really are at our cores.
I know it’s February but I still feel the energy of a new year personally so 2023 here we come! New Year, Same Me! And yes this year I am saying – New Year, Same Me – because it goes directly against the grain of New Year, New Me.
Why would I want a new me?
I mean, in the past, I have been like: I’m sick of you and ready for a fresh start sure.
But the desire for a new self happens because we are unhappy. It could be with a specific part of our lives, like our parenting or maybe it’s a general malaise we feel around something not feeling quite right with our lives, like a nagging feeling of unfulfillment. Either way, we automatically think that with a new year in sight, now's a good time to fix or change ourselves to make it all better.
This is a fixing mindset - the same one that makes us think that we need to improve or change ourselves in some way to feel better about our children’s behavior or the chaotic state of our house or our moodiness – but that is just not the case. In fact, everything we need to be happy is already inside us.
What gets in the way is mindset or the lens through which we view our lives and the world. Mindset is not 100% under our influence, our survival instincts, societal pressures, upbringing, and cultural backgrounds all significantly influence our mindset. But our mindset is not totally fixed or stuck either - you can easily experience this flexibility during a busy week where one moment you think that your work is crap or your house is full and cluttered - and then the next day you can look at it with joy and gratitude instead.
Learning how to nurture a more positive, compassionate mindset is our task. And something that can certainly contribute to our long-term well-being (and improve our relationships with our kids).
Just like our mindset is not totally fixed.
Who we are, is different from who we identify to be.
I will say that again.
Who we are, is different from who we identify to be.
Sure I am a “Type A Mom” who keeps the trains running on time. I use morning and afterschool checklists to keep my kids accountable, and my work day is planned down to the minute. I find a great deal of identity within the label of Type A Mom, just like you may identify as a Hot Mess Mom or a PTA Mom or a Chill Mom – and you have even learned to take pride in it too.
But who you are is different from who you identify, or label yourself, to be.
Say you were to ask your friends to name a few adjectives to describe you - what would they say? Hot mess mom? Chill Mom? I don’t know if they would start with those labels per se… I did this exercise once and my bestie actually said things I would have never guessed like loyal and that I was a good hugger. And that I was giving too. These things I would have never thought of at first as ways to describe myself.
I don't identify myself as a good hugger. I don't particularly hug people all that often to be honest, but if I stop to check in with myself I can feel how much being a good hugger matters to me. It means that I am a loving and kind friend, one who is ok with being vulnerable and open enough to share a good and lengthy hug with.
That’s who I am for sure.
Who you are is different from who you identify as. And of course, you can be both – no one’s saying Type A Moms can’t be good huggers - I just overlook parts of myself when during reflection I go right to my identity label. At the beginning of the year, saying New Year, Same Me will help you stay open to new ideas of who you are right now without having to change a thing - and that’s a pretty awesome way to start a year I would think. And no, it doesn't mean staying stuck in old ways of thinking - in fact, it's just the opposite.
I think we need to focus our gratitude practice on becoming grateful for who we are, not who we need to become - because we are already whole, we just don’t see it all. We don’t see the things that our friends see - the who of who we are.
I hope you ask a friend to tell you a few things that make you, you. And celebrate them because nothing can stand in the way of your happiness in 2023 when you look inside and discover the resources you already possess – and remember you are a Good AF Mom. - Stef