Parent Differently in 12 Weeks
Parenting with gratitude is a practice. Use these activities to stay on track and train that brain!
The timing to establish a new habit varies wildly from person to person. Studies have shown people can learn a new habit in as little as 66 days - but for some, it can take over 200.
I think 12 weeks is a safe bet for most people - and so I put together a free email series called Parenting with Gratitude™. It takes you on a 12-week journey where you will learn new habits and fun activities to boost your well-being and lessen the stressors of parenting in the modern world.
I love this series - it is the basis of my upcoming book called Parenting with Gratitude™: Parent Differently in 12 Weeks and I put everything I have learned over the past 13 years of motherhood into it. I am living these practices on the daily and let me tell you things are better around here!
My readers love the series too! I have never opened a weekly email newsletter consistently and over 3 months - but MAMAS ARE DOING IT and its AMAZING! I am so excited that what I have to say resonates so much that for 3 months readers stick with me.
Not one parenting book has ever focused exclusively on gratitude, a well-studied emotional state, habit, and trait that has been proven to provide a variety of measurable benefits - decreased depression rates, increased immune function, and cognitive rewiring, all happening in measurable periods of time.
Making use of rich personal insights and evidence-based practices, the Parenting with Gratitudes™ email series (and eventually the book too!) takes the reader on a 12-week journey where they will learn to:
notice how great of a parent they already are,
learn to choose themselves first,
lower their expectations,
take ownership of parenting imperfectly,
and to remain calm amongst the chaos of modern life.
I hope you join me on this fun and action-packed journey! - Stef
The Struggle is Real
What is “benefit finding” and how does it work for my parenting life?
Parenting is not all roses and unicorns - this is obvious. So then why do we feel the need to show it off that way?
I hope that on this blog I can make it clear that being positive all the time is not the ultimate goal. My overall well-being and yours is the goal - not blind optimism.
So if you’re unhappy or feel like your wellness journey has been put on the back burner — or left in childless life — you’re in the right place. Burning out is something that happens to us all and these days it happens even faster than before BECAUSE of the perfect parenting messages we receive and our surrounded by on the daily.
I know you are an amazing parent.
You’re here reading this after all. I just think (myself included) that we forget to look at all the good things we do every day because the “bad” is so heavy and LOUD. When we hurt our kids it feels awful - like so, so bad. When we are tired we get triggered, when we have emotional baggage or trauma it comes out, when we are burned out we are not able to parent the way we want.
But you aren’t all bad - you are a loving and kind parent whose intentions are good — and because of that truth I also know there are a million things you are doing right each day. So by using a daily gratitude scan to notice the good we can fight the jump to mom-shame or self-doubt.
Here’s the kicker though - our parenting experience is also a growth opportunity and so we don’t ignore those tougher moments, the yelling the mom-tantrums, and/or apathy.
We must open to both the good and the bad - and allow space for both. Why? Well #1: because we all make mistakes and modeling making mistakes is just good parenting, especially if you follow up with an apology — but also #2: Because scientific magic happens when we acknowledge both our suffering AND our positive moments.
When we reside in difficult circumstances like the ongoing stress we have felt throughout the pandemic, if we are able to notice both our suffering and the silver lining of our circumstances and hold them as equally important we provide our brains the opportunity to grow what are called “benefit finding” muscles that support our overall resiliency.
What is Benefit-Finding? Well at its simplest definition it is finding the silver lining in tough situations - ones that may cause a significant amount of personal suffering.
From the book The Upside of Stress by health psychologist Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.:
“To my ears, benefit finding sounds like the kind of positive thinking that tries to scurry away from the reality of suffering: Let’s look on the bright side so we don’t have to feel the pain or think about the loss.
But despite my own allergic reaction, this research doesn't suggest that the most helpful mindset is a Pollyannish insistence on turning everything bad into something good. Rather it’s the ability to notice the good as you cope with things that are difficult. In fact, being able to see both the good and the bad is associated with better long-term outcomes than focusing purely on the upside…Looking for the good in stress helps most when you are also able to realistically acknowledge whatever suffering is also present.”
Tough times are not a good thing - no one wishes pandemic parenting on you so you can grow. However, learning to accept that the tough times will be part of the whole modern parenting package and still see within them the good also helps with the feelings of helplessness. The helplessness that may be spurred by burnout - like there is not enough time or energy to do all that is demanded of you. When you can see your circumstances as both temporary and also beneficial (even in the smallest way) you can adjust your mindset enough to regain your footing.
This week has been tough for me - it wasn’t one major thing that happened but just a piling on of a lot. I felt heavy I wasn’t sleeping well. My office was a total mess. I felt out of routine and like my personal goals were not being met. It has been funky!! On top of that, every time my kids are sick and have to stay home from school (which this week happened) I go into pandemic whiplash — like: WHEN AM I EVER GONNA HAVE TIME FOR ME AGAIN!!
But by bringing a silver lining perspective to these types of days (or weeks) I can begin to find the way out of my funk. And I no longer fight my reality. These weeks happen, but compared to 2020 this is NOTHING! And I look at my feelings with curiosity. Is there anything I can do to help out myself? No, ok. Then what can I find in this week that is good and beneficial - oh, I am going to bed earlier because I am tired! Well, more sleep is always a good thing! I am can’t clean my office but I cleaned the dining table and worked there - so that clutter is gone yay! etc, etc.
Once I can find the silver lining it gives me the confidence needed to say “This is temporary!” then I step into a more equanimous outlook: It is what it is, for now! I will ride this out and use my gratitude practice to gain some much-needed perspective. My kids are happy and healthy my extended family, the same. We live in a beautiful place and have 3 adorable happy cats. I have access to clean water and get to exercise every single day - and take a shower!! (which back in the baby days I would have died for).
Things are both good and not so good - and that O.K. right now.
Share where you are at in the comments below! -Stef
How to Overcome Gratitude Resistance
What is holding you back from starting a gratitude practice?
Let’s talk about gratitude resistance. I know I’ve got to do it, I’ve read all the pieces that tell me it will rewire my brain, but I just can’t get started.
You know that a daily gratitude practice will change your parenting mindset and you even know that it doesn’t take much time but you still can't get started?
Still, holding out? Bring curiosity to it. Curiosity is the key to overcoming resistance.
Check-in with yourself. Are you afraid to ask, “Why won’t I do this for me?”
We are all afraid to dig deeper under the resistance because it could mean that we'd have to pause. We'd have to take a break from all our running around, our busy, busy world, and in that pause maybe we will notice that our lives are not working for us? Oops.
I don’t want to go there and drown. So let’s not. Let’s find a way to be curious without drowning in the unmet needs we are not ready to poke at yet.
Instead, let’s focus on the results of that daily gratitude practice. I swear that once you feel the results of daily gratitude the big existential questions get answered!
So let’s swap being afraid of what will be uncovered and get excited for what may come. Scientists say more small moments of positivity make the biggest impact on our mindset and well-being. And excitement is a small positive moment. So is gratitude. And the process of self-reflection can help you to find more moments just watch.
Maybe your curious moment is as simple as asking: Just what did I miss yesterday that I can savor today? What have I already forgotten?
And so you get excited about discovering the result. This is the beginning of turning your brain towards positivity and pulling your focus away from the negative. Because when you do, your daily gratitude practice will train your brain to see how great of a mother you already are. And I want that for you.
I know from my personal experience, that my life has dramatically changed since I started to pause and reflect. Sure I do not have toddlers anymore and my kids are in school. But my kids have been in school all day for six years. And during those six years, three of them I was a mess. I was not delegating. I was not choosing myself first. And I certainly wasn't communicating with my partner.
The need for self-care is real. It’s giving yourself the space to look at your resistance and say Ok! I am ready for a change. And self-care is not sitting in a bathtub either. It's when you're in that tub, and you have the space enough to do the self-reflection needed — then you make an intention, and maybe that intention to ask for help. Maybe that is exactly the motivation you need to talk about daily chores in the household with your partner.
Self-care is about action, it’s about taking the next steps after you've carved out that small moment of peace.
So I will leave you with that. And I hope that this week, you sit down with yourself and ask “Am I taking care?” and “Where I am excited to get started?”
And if you're looking for a simple place to start find a way to insert gratitude into your daily routine. Five days of the week. Just do it because the compound effect of doing it every day will kick in I promise, but it won't kick in if you don't start. Good luck. - Stef
Parenting with GRATITUDE™: A Cheatsheet
Parenting with gratitude is an easy way to shift your daily experience from frustration to happiness and contentment.
go from WTF to ‘ENough’ with gratitude:
This is your cheatsheet — a place to start — and if you are ready, go deeper here.
Wake up a bit earlier, nothing crazy, just like 5 minutes earlier.
Write down 6 to 10 things you are grateful for - this trains your brain away from the negativity bias and forces you to look over your yesterdays.
Remind yourself your children don’t know your past traumas or the emotional burdens you may carry.
Then remind yourself that they are new to this planet.
Go through your day and observe your children with the same awe and wonder they observe the world.
Start saying out loud the nice things that are already in your head.
Begin noticing when you’re upset and what your expectations are in that moment.
Before you go to bed, go to your children’s rooms, and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your body.
Mentally list three things you're grateful for as you get into bed.
Remind yourself of one magic moment or something that went well that day.
Rise and repeat.
Watch as your experience improves week over week (and it will)
Gratitude can save your Motherhood. But Parenting with Gratitude™ is not the goal - it's the method. It's the means to achieving our goal of becoming happier humans, which starts with parenting differently.
I want to parent differently than I was raised.
I want to parent differently than I did five years ago.
Let’s figure out how to become less triggered and more present…all with the help of gratitude.
